Recently, I saw a swarm of geese doing the most peculiar thing. They were swirling and diving and generally flying in a very erratic pattern. I thought maybe they had finally accepted how awful they are and were listing around the sky in despair.
Alas, turns out it wasn’t geese, but pelicans. Pelicans apparently ride swirling currents that are slowly drifting south rather than just fly. I strongly suggest you look up some video of it. Now that I know it wasn’t geese, I realize it was actually pretty cool.
GUY: What does it eat?
ME: [falcon perched on shoulder] Updog
*falcon starts break dancing*
ME: Not yet Tyler, wait until he asks what it is
— HAUNTigula (@huntigula) August 7, 2015
Please be a goose, please be a goose, please be a goose.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
— Abbooooooooo (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
Well, this is ridiculous.
NOTICE: due to last year's fiasco, customers are reminded that complimentary hedgehogs are not to be taken on the bouncy castle
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) October 12, 2015
That is a good question.
[job interview]
"That's all. Do you have any questions for us?"
Yes, in the Lion King, why did Simba get older but Timon and Pumba didn't?
— Count Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) October 9, 2015
Damn cats.
BATMAN: I got you flowers
CATWOMAN: Put them in this vase
BATMAN: Ok
CATWOMAN: *pushes vase off counter while maintaining eye contact*
— Scary Floyd (@dafloydsta) September 8, 2015
They’re so cute in their natural habitat.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
— himskeletonfish (@JermHimselfish) October 11, 2015
Play the odds.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) October 11, 2015
Speaking of odds, Sanders is still in this, huh?
Bernie Sanders is my favorite character from Golden Girls.
— Topher Writes (@Iwriteforcats) October 14, 2015
Hillary wants this to be true of herself, but it’s more descriptive of Bill.
Bernie Sanders is like if a Jimmy Buffet song was a person
— ♡ Man Who Loves U ♡ (@SortaBad) October 15, 2015
What about the entire Democratic field?
Tonight's Debaters:
1. Ex-First lady
2. Self-described socialist
3. Some dude
4. Wait… is that my uncle?
5. Two dogs in a trench-coat
— Eric Sanders (@ericsshadow) October 13, 2015
Bernie says that’s too many and she needs to share.
second day of work trip. I've acquired 5 bananas individually throughout the day. this isn't what they sent me here for but I'm great at it
— an actual ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) October 8, 2015
Harry agrees.
6 FOOT 7 FOOT 8 FOOT LUNCH!
- my son butchering Harry Belafonte and also, making me wonder wtf he's eating for lunch
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 14, 2015
Didn’t stop me from applying for the board for my kids’ school. Haven’t heard back, though.
Him: We need to sign up for parent teacher conferences.
Me: Not it.
Him: Ah, come on.
Me: You know I can't go. I say fuck too much.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) October 13, 2015
RB2 is his favorite.
The year is 2021. We are now ruled by our overlord, Draft Kings. Many lives were lost in the war with FanDuel. I hug my children QB1 & RB2
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) October 2, 2015
As long as there are no spells.
I don't care what the theme of this child's birthday party is, I want to discuss the occult.
— Spooky JammyNoodles (@Dawn_M_) October 11, 2015
I like this idea, though it may require some stitches and the ER is expensive.
I let my kids carve their own pumpkins with real knives.
The real blood really adds a touch of je-ne-sais-quoi.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) October 12, 2015
They communicate so well at that age.
M: Do you want a waffle?
3: I don't want 2 waffles.
M: Ok, do you want 1 waffle?
3: I want *waves fingers*
M:
3: I want none waffles.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) October 12, 2015
When I said there were no stupid questions, I was lying.
"Do you have kids?"
"No, I just smear yogurt on my pants as a fashion statement."
— Lance Kidwell (@muddylemon) October 9, 2015
You shouldn’t lie on your résumé.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) October 9, 2015
I can relate to having such discussions.
Daycare lady: Your daughter pushed a boy.
Me: Probably an accident.
Lady: She yelled, "Hulk smash!"
Me: He shouldn't have made her angry.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 9, 2015
And that’s how Doc Brown’s daughter got her start in time travel.
Yeah, when I said I wanted yellow cake for my birthday, I did not mean concentrated uranium. But hang on. Let's not be hasty about a return.
— JokerKaren (@batkaren) March 12, 2015
Although it risks hastening this.
So, dark energy will make the universe either 1)rip apart or 2)keep expanding until the last cold dead stars wink out. Sleep tight, sweetie.
— JokerKaren (@batkaren) January 14, 2015
If only it were this hard to get a government grant.
studies show that studies are good for.. uh.. studying.. things. paid for by national research foundatiom. please domt stop fundimg us
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 10, 2015
We do need an answer to this question, though.
[grabs Walmart intercom]
IF DIGIORNOS ISNT DELIVERY THEN HOW IS IT DELIVERED TO THE STORE??
*fighting noises*
DELIVER US THE TRUTH
— a strong, hearty lad (@trentistweeting) February 6, 2015
Should’ve sued McDonald’s.
How did you get those horrible burns?
*flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster*
I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.
— unquiet dead sauce (@yerpalmildsauce) March 5, 2015
She should sue somebody, too.
Hey soup companies just so you know a can of soup is not two servings for anyone who is not a psycho
— Katherine Timpf (@KatTimpf) October 15, 2015
It is the simplest explanation.
“I wish there was some type of… wooden cage… I could keep this thing in at night.” – inventor of the crib
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) October 2, 2015
She’s not on Facebook.
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
— AlexaMac Brandes (@TheWoodenslurpy) July 17, 2015
*drops mic*
[Best man speech]
I HAVE DEFEATED THE OTHER MEN IN THIS WEDDING PARTY TO EMERGE AS THE BEST, THE MICROPHONE SHALL BE MINE FOOLISH MORTALS!
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) October 10, 2015
Surely thou doth jest.
[Best man speech]
I HAVE DEFEATED THE OTHER MEN IN THIS WEDDING PARTY TO EMERGE AS THE BEST, THE MICROPHONE SHALL BE MINE FOOLISH MORTALS!
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) October 10, 2015
But tomorrow is so far away.
*sits at dinner table*
*sighs*
*sits on couch*
*sighs*
*lays in bed*
*sighs*
wife: We'll get you another balloon tomorrow, ok?
me: Ok
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 9, 2015
Though I said don’t lie on your résumé, don’t be too honest at the interview.
Why do i want to work here? bc i believe theres buried treasure under ur building & i need a good entry point to dig. also i love accounting
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) June 18, 2015
Shut your mouth.
Even the L in Samuel L Jackson stands for 'motherfucker'.
— Goreo Screamwagon (@OreoSpeedwagon_) October 31, 2013
It used to take months to get rid of leaves.
[commercial for rakes]
*guy out in his lawn with a fork, stabbing leaves 1 at a time
*looks at camera* there must be a better way
RAKES
— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) February 26, 2015
Which one has the most bourbon?
Your alternate reality or mine?
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) October 14, 2015
It wasn’t cromulent at all.
"You know that's not even a word, right?" I said, condescendingatively
— Scary Terry F (@daemonic3) February 19, 2015
Ommmmmmmmm.
I never should have bought this Buddhist GPS. It just keeps telling me that my 'destination is the journey'.
I've been driving for days.
— TheRollman (@Rollmaninoz) October 7, 2015
Truth.
You can turn any book into a mystery novel by just ripping out half of the pages.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) October 9, 2015
Yep.
Survival Tip: don't chase a balloon into a spooky forest
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) October 9, 2015
I don’t know how she wrote this tweet.
I couldn't find a shot glass so I used a measuring cup. That's dedication.
— Nosferatu McPenis (@ktmcburr) October 13, 2015
Just like that stupid restaurant.
Me: The aisle 12 sign is racist and offensive, please take it down.
Manager: It says crackers
Me: Oh, you're racist too. That's just great
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) October 15, 2015
If you see the swirly birds, they’re not necessarily pelicans. They could also be something else, but they’re definitely not geese. If geese went into a swirly pattern, they’d probably fly backwards given their occult knowledge.
COP: Have you been drinking
ME: No
COP: Sir, please recite the alphabet backwards
ME: Ok but if it awakens an ancient evil, that's on you
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 11, 2015
