The Federalist recently celebrated its second birthday. In honor of this, we’re having a conference in a few hours, right now, earlier today, or last Friday, depending on when you read this. There are (or were) a number of interesting panel discussions and a happy hour.
If you’re around for happy hour, that’s when the most riveting discussion will happen, as I’ll be hosting a one-man panel on weird Twitter and also maybe on why geese are the worst animals on the planet and should be eradicated. It promises to be (or was) riveting, if perhaps a tad obtuse.
Last night a Sparrow collided into my garage and died upon impact within four feet of my face…I’m trying not to take it personally.— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) September 24, 2015
I’m not sure this is accurate. Maybe I’ll find the pope and ask him.
[Dragging cross to Crucifixion] ROMAN1:It’s a cross walk! ROMAN2:We’re on a cross road! JC: Be a shame if something happened to your empire.— batkaren (@batkaren) July 22, 2015
Also need to verify this.
It’s cool that William H. Macy and Jesus have the same middle name.— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) September 21, 2015
Doesn’t sound like something he’d do, but maybe.
[arguing with the tree outside my home] why’re you always here, who sent you??? Was it Francis— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) September 22, 2015
The Pope keeps talking about climate change but I haven’t heard him once blame Captain Planet for the shitty job he’s doing.— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) September 24, 2015
He is the Rodney Dangerfield of superheroes.
Batman: Why so down? Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over. *[Jesus enters] Aquaman: Dammit!— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 26, 2014
That’s how he made the song.
I’m listening to skrillex rn and I want to fight my broken toaster— human (@krispythehuman) September 23, 2015
Can you imagine the horror if she collaborated with Skrillex?
*listens to Enya while throwing shopping carts off five story parking garages.— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) September 17, 2015
Be specific when giving instructions.
[shootout] Cop: I said fire a warning shot Me: I did Cop: you shot him in the face Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 19, 2015
I’d hire her. That couldn’t have been easy to put together.
My resume is just a bag of cookies stapled to a rabid wolverine.— Felix Felicis (@LuckoftheDraw86) September 22, 2015
Should’ve added bags of cookies, too.
“Fuck it, just add a werewolf” – the 80’s.— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) September 20, 2015
Get out of here, alligators. Nobody wants a moist dinosaur.— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) September 20, 2015
Makes sense to me.
[circus school] “So to tame the lion, you have this whip…” What if the lion’s too close? [picking up tiny stool] “we’ve thought of that”— bea_ker (@bea_ker) September 15, 2015
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about? ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) March 18, 2015
They are better.
“I got my cat fixed” “Is it a dog now?”— Eldge (@Sickayduh) September 20, 2014
Hooked on Phonics.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare] And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) July 18, 2015
Which one is about gluten?
I knew you were the one when you could tell the difference between laconic, sardonic and sarcastic.— Crazy Myra (@OutOnTheMoors) September 7, 2015
This may be the whole reason he’s running.
If Donald Trump gets elected President and doesn’t start selling Hair Force One blow dryers, I call bullshit.— peetie rex (@ohpeetie) September 19, 2015
Yet we maintain a strategic national reserve of the latter.
Crimes against humanity like the Macarena or raisins.— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) September 19, 2015
And that’s when the fight started.
Me: If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be? Her: I don’t know, why don’t you decide.— pink stripes (@JermHimselfish) September 12, 2015
Take a stand for a healthy future.
I had a verbal altercation with the little fat kid from next door so, yes, I’m all about fighting childhood obesity— EnvyDaTropic (@envydatropic) September 20, 2015
Heather’s moderating/moderated a panel on pyrotechnics and grammar.
Victoria’s Secret reaches out to the goth crowd.
A Victoria’s Secret Angels commercial but they’re lost in a dark labyrinth, perils abounding, tears streaming mascara down their faces— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) August 13, 2015
I may live this lifestyle.
Road rage isn’t a problem, it’s a lifestyle.— R๑×ƴ (@rockthechuck) September 23, 2015
He’s talking to people who drive in the left lane just because.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) September 21, 2015
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult— pat tobin (@tastefactory) September 18, 2015
“See how you make me feel?”
My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) July 24, 2012
Not sure a country act is the best strategy.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?— brent (@murrman5) September 15, 2015
He did have a pretty rigid formula.
Aesop: wanna hear my new story? Me: lemme guess, an animal tries to do one thing but then another thing happens? Aesop: … Me: pass— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) September 24, 2015
Why would a robot want this?
“So I can transform into anything?” Optimus Prime: Any machine you want. “Hmm..” [cut to Dr’s exam room] *mammogram machine winks at camera*— huntigula (@huntigula) September 11, 2015
You’re thinking of Frankenstein’s Jeep Cherokee. Jeep Cherokee is just the type of sports utility vehicle he owns.— joe (@sad_tree) September 22, 2015
3-year-old: What’s a bass pole? Me: A what? 3: A bass pole. The thing you called that other driver. Me: Let’s not repeat that to your mom— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 24, 2015
And now to get into the happy hour portion of today’s roundup.
“Some days are just harder than others” I slur as I drunkenly stagger into a ditch.— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) September 22, 2015
She’s doing one thing wrong here.
I’m drinking nonalcoholic iced tea & writing essays on pre/post industrialization family dynamics if anyone wants to party.— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) September 20, 2015
Keep several. The right answer is several.
Always keep a bottle of liquor in your house just for special occasions, such as “after work” or “weekends.”— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) September 2, 2015
I want to work where this guy works. Full-time, I mean.
“How was work?” I was the only one who remembered Flask Friday “It’s Tuesday” OMG! “Yeah! You’re gonna get fire-” 2 Flask Fridays in 1 week!— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 15, 2015
And now a word from our bartender.
I believe I shall return to the Internet today.— Neal Dewing (@Neal_Dewing) September 24, 2015
Thanks! I hope our discussion went well and you now understand why we need a federal program to eradicate all geese from the face of the earth. I know it seems like an extreme position, but there’s really no other choice. Have fun and be safe out there and know that if you drink Neal’s cocktails, you probably won’t be able to relate to this statement.
People who tell me to stand up for myself are dumb. I’ve been in charge of my basic body movements for quite some time now.— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) September 23, 2015