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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 18

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Well, September 15 has come and gone and, with it, any hope Jade Helm would produce results. Perhaps there was some truth to it.

The government may not have invaded Texas, but Rick Perry did suspend his campaign. That’s how the Illuminati work; they’re magicians who keep us focused on the left hand when we should be focused on the right.

Thankfully, “America’s Book of Secrets” on the loosely-named History Channel is there to keep us apprised of the truth, whether it’s Stalin’s involvement with Area 51, secret tunnels, or the realities of time travel.

“Gonna go back in time.”

Needs a time machine.

Avoid STEM and you’ll never regret making horrible robots.


They’re called stripper flakes.

Don’t you mean fairy dust, Billy?

Hobbits: Origins.

Pretty violent for a koan, to be honest.

You should see what I have to include when filling out my background check form so I can drive on field trips.

They’re terrible if you’re racing fruit on a bus though.

“Honey, we have something to tell you, but in as obtuse a way as possible.”

It’s much more refreshing.

Those judges sound biased.


Pretty good description.

Other than the movie selection, I don’t see the problem.

Time to update my bio.

You know someone has actually tried this.

It’s an important skill to master.

The connection to that warmongering blog is getting clearer.

Did he stutter?

He is good.

They should consider making it a grittier show instead of just a terrible one.

Like this.

And it’s awesome.

Seriously, it was a dick move.

I’ll always be glad I just leaned in for a kiss when I confused my identical twin sister-in-law for my wife.

And deck shoes are the liberators.

You have to teach them when they’re young.

“Haven’t you seen ‘Popeye – the Movie’?”

Useful pets are better.

I recently got into an argument with a three-year-old because I tried to make dinner when she wasn’t hungry. She just wanted a snack, which has nothing to do with hunger.

Maybe ease back on the fairy dust, man.

The TSA is what skeletons of a society look like.

I dream of having to send this clandestine text.

‘Til next week, kids. Unless you score a time machine and I see you last week. Or if the network of tunnels turns out to be real and the dates for Jade Helm were the actual false flag and everything is about to go down this weekend. In any case, maybe enjoy some days off. I won’t, but I like to dream.