Well, September 15 has come and gone and, with it, any hope Jade Helm would produce results. Perhaps there was some truth to it.
The government may not have invaded Texas, but Rick Perry did suspend his campaign. That’s how the Illuminati work; they’re magicians who keep us focused on the left hand when we should be focused on the right.
Thankfully, “America’s Book of Secrets” on the loosely-named History Channel is there to keep us apprised of the truth, whether it’s Stalin’s involvement with Area 51, secret tunnels, or the realities of time travel.
Fun prank: Call your son 'grandpa' then drive off in your DeLorean and never come back.
— The Dead Fish Show (@TheDeadfishSays) December 2, 2014
“Gonna go back in time.”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) February 11, 2015
Needs a time machine.
*inventor of animatronics at Chucke Cheese* "DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE"
— Robot Eats Ice Cream (@MichaelLarrick) September 11, 2015
Avoid STEM and you’ll never regret making horrible robots.
*walks into school & grabs the intercom* "IT'S ALL LIES.YOULL NEVER USE MATH IN REAL LIFE" *fighting noises* "SUBTRACT MATH FROM YOUR LIVES"
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) November 19, 2014
I miss 100% of the shots I don't take, but idk if a rabies vaccine is going to work this late in the game. *wipes froth from mouth*
— Sondra (@SondraDeeMe) September 14, 2015
They’re called stripper flakes.
My 3-year-old told me she covered the house in "fairy dust" She better mean cocaine because if it's glitter somebody's going to be homeless
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 11, 2015
Don’t you mean fairy dust, Billy?
*Holds up mirror to society, realizes all the cocaine is sliding off, puts it down too quickly, breaks mirror* Thanks a lot society
— F. Bill McMorris (@FBillMcMorris) September 11, 2015
*takes hobo to the country* "You're free now, little fella! Run and be happy!"
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) September 10, 2015
Pretty violent for a koan, to be honest.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) September 11, 2015
You should see what I have to include when filling out my background check form so I can drive on field trips.
I guess sending school paperwork back with wine stains may not send the right message. Then again it may send EXACTLY the right message.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) September 7, 2015
They’re terrible if you’re racing fruit on a bus though.
Bananas are my fav fruit because if i drop it while I'm eating it it won't roll down a hill AND AWAY FROM ME FOREVER LIKE SOME APPLES I KNOW
— joe (@sad_tree) September 14, 2015
“Honey, we have something to tell you, but in as obtuse a way as possible.”
[trying to roll my tongue] I just can't do it like you and Dad. "Well dear, it is hereditary." *googles worst retirement homes*
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) May 13, 2015
It’s much more refreshing.
DATE: ill have a dry white wine please ME: yeah ill have a wet one, thanks
— tomsauced (@trojansauce) September 13, 2015
Those judges sound biased.
[spelling bee] Your word is 'impossible' "Oh, well I guess no point in trying" *walks off stage*
— Terry F (@daemonic3) September 10, 2015
VOCAB QUIZ: TEACHER: Joseph, another word for evident. ME: … FRIEND: [whispering] The answer's obvious! ME: You're such an asshole.
— bad (@_making_friends) September 17, 2015
Pretty good description.
tour guide: [points at bird] that's like an alive plane who talks car alarms
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) September 15, 2015
Other than the movie selection, I don’t see the problem.
Woke up naked in my neighbor's boat again. I've got to stop watching titanic when I'm drinking.
— Amanda Hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) July 24, 2015
Time to update my bio.
When people ask "what do you do" I try to seem normal by saying things like "Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there."
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) September 17, 2015
You know someone has actually tried this.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing? ME: Febreeze
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) September 13, 2015
It’s an important skill to master.
Can't. Working on my dramatic pause.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) August 12, 2015
The connection to that warmongering blog is getting clearer.
[Kate Upton as a baby] Kate: d-d-d-d Mom: i think she's trying to say daddy Kate: d-d-d-download game of war
— ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ (@LaziestCanine) August 26, 2015
Did he stutter?
Him: this is disgusting Me: it's iced coffee Him: I thought it was gravy! Me: why did you drink it? Him: I THOUGHT IT WAS GRAVY.
— Sara M R (@samiru27) September 16, 2015
He is good.
[Ring] "Expert Namer Guy" You the dude that named anteater? "Yep" I got a bug. Not moving. Has wings though. "Mayfly" *muffled* oh he's good
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) September 25, 2014
They should consider making it a grittier show instead of just a terrible one.
HITCHCOCK: Dial M for Murder SESAME STREET PRODUCERS: Uhhhh, this might be a little too dark for us, Alfred
— Michael Flynn (@Home_Halfway) September 16, 2015
"…and that's how gravity works." Well that's ridiculous. So, do you think Elmo and Grover were Oscar's bastard babies or nah?
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) September 16, 2015
And it’s awesome.
SON: Dad whats Twitter ME: u know when one dog barks & every single one in the area starts howling? SON: ya ME: its like that but all day
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) September 4, 2015
Seriously, it was a dick move.
GOD: How many more animals left to make? ANGEL: 2 GOD: And how many more legs do we have? ANGEL: 100 CENTIPEDE: dibs! SNAKE: asshole
— Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) June 29, 2015
I’ll always be glad I just leaned in for a kiss when I confused my identical twin sister-in-law for my wife.
How to please your woman 1. Kiss her passionately 2. Slap that ass 3. Make sure she's your woman 4. This went terribly wrong 5. See #3
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) October 28, 2014
And deck shoes are the liberators.
Socks are the straitjackets of feet. Discuss.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) September 16, 2015
You have to teach them when they’re young.
This baby is terrible at dodgeball.
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) September 2, 2013
“Haven’t you seen ‘Popeye – the Movie’?”
If you drown someone in the tub just throw an octopus in and when the cops ask what happened be all, "I think it's pretty obvious."
— ephie (@javachipbones) September 11, 2015
Useful pets are better.
Dog Park Lady: he's 6, his name is Sammy. Me: [petting my ox] so cute, how much land can he till per day?
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) September 17, 2015
I recently got into an argument with a three-year-old because I tried to make dinner when she wasn’t hungry. She just wanted a snack, which has nothing to do with hunger.
The world is ending because my son's spoon fell into his cereal bowl & is now submerged in milk. Asking for prayers on facebook now.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 8, 2015
Maybe ease back on the fairy dust, man.
I don't ask for a lot but just once I'd like my wife to say "we're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks" and really mean it
— F. Bill McMorris (@FBillMcMorris) September 16, 2015
The TSA is what skeletons of a society look like.
[airport security] *BEEP* Ma'am, step through again *BEEP* Nice try pal, I'm not removing my Slayer shirt Ma'am, please it's too much metal
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) November 2, 2014
I dream of having to send this clandestine text.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) September 15, 2015
‘Til next week, kids. Unless you score a time machine and I see you last week. Or if the network of tunnels turns out to be real and the dates for Jade Helm were the actual false flag and everything is about to go down this weekend. In any case, maybe enjoy some days off. I won’t, but I like to dream.
[Sees a sloth] "I'm a big fan of your work."
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) September 13, 2015