Once, in Springfield town, Homer Simpson accidentally dosed a large number of the residents with hallucinogenic juice, including Officer Lou. Lou responded by spinning wildly in his chair and laughing. Chief Wiggum, who had not ingested any of the magic elixir, asked Lou if he was all right. Lou responded, “The electric yellow has got me by the brain banana.”
I may not have any peyote, but after a week of experimentation with a pretty severe cold and work schedule and the accompanying sleep deprivation, I feel you, Lou. I feel you. The electric yellow has got me by the brain banana, too.
Makes perfect sense.
Thanks, stoned friends, for preparing me for 3's questions like "How do snails hold hands?" & "Can we go to the place w/ shakes & ketchup?"— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) August 27, 2015
As does this.
"Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem," I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) April 20, 2015
At least they’re not bobcats.
currently running from my rabid pack of capybaras, they ate infected strawberries from my shitass neighbor Mildred's garden again— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) August 23, 2015
Or Trump fans.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the guy from Twitter that told me to go fuck myself pic.twitter.com/GqEI5H6Ot8— TweetsByJhon™ (@JhonRules) August 28, 2015
Zero Pinocchios.
donald trump looks like the villain in a movie where the hero is a dog— ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) August 29, 2015
Gonna have to disagree here.
we should let Trump keep running for president even after the election— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) August 30, 2015
Though there may not be a choice.
The year 2420: After becoming president, eliminating the 2 term limit, and becoming a cyborg, Donald Trump is now Supreme Earth Emperor.— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 29, 2015
At least Trump doesn’t take selfies of himself to pay tribute to everything.
I took a picture, but it wasn't a selfie. Is there a word for that? A "someone elsie"?— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) August 29, 2015
“Someone Elsie” coming soon to a dictionary near you.
It's the time of year where we get outraged by the ridiculous new words that have been added to the Oxford Dictionary! Awesomesauce!— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) August 28, 2015
Never give up.
[dying in my dad's arms after battle]
DAD: You did good, kid
ME: Dad?
D: Yes, son?
M: [with last breath] It's "did well" actually— Mat (@MatCro) August 28, 2015
Never. Give. Up!
cw: That's a nice picture. Did your son draw that?
[flashback to me spending the entire meeting tracing my hand to make a turkey]
me: Yep— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 27, 2015
Give 110 percent.
I just saw a woman spend an hour on her hair to get that messy I don't fix my hair look.This is why men think we're crazy. Also it was me.— Coco (@BeCoco77) March 6, 2015
Find your groove.
I love when slow jams play during my workout because they set a more realistic pace.
*cranks up She's Like the Wind*
Aw yeah let's do this— Wendy S. (@maughammom) August 30, 2015
And no matter your age, keep on trying.
Every woman is a gymnast when it comes to flipping out— EnvyDaTropic (@envydatropic) August 30, 2015
Valid response, for a girl.
My stripper name is "Sorry I ripped my shirt off in public but there was a bug on me."— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) September 2, 2015
She’ll also grow up to withstand all attacks from swarming things.
My daughter came out of her bedroom covered in body glitter and perfume so just to be safe I cancelled all her future dance classes.— K∀RL∀ IN∨T (@karlainvt) August 31, 2015
He makes a good point.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 1, 2014
Unless the argument started here.
WIFE: I'll be back in 2 days
ME: Have fun!
[2 mins]
WIFE: I forgot my ke—OHMYGOD
[I'm holding a conch…the kids feast on the dog's remains]— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) May 11, 2015
That’s a good kid, there.
My son answers questions about his day like he's testifying in the Iran-Contra hearings.— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) September 1, 2015
And a good dad, here.
wife: This is a nice restaurant so please, PLEASE behave
*looks at 9*
9: *nods*
*looks at me*
me [about to use my fork as a catapult] What?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 28, 2015
And this is a good mom.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.— Jess (@jessokfine) August 26, 2015
Probably.
Someday, my pretentious grandchildren will purchase a ticket to a "Miley Cyrus Retrospective" at a contemporary art museum.— Emily Zanotti (@emzanotti) August 31, 2015
Maybe this exhibit, too.
I went to MoMA and began my performance art piece entitled "Fake MoMA Tours"— Pants (@onedumbshark) September 3, 2015
“I’m all naked and wet.”
Can't. I'm re-enacting my birth with this carpet I found on the side of the highway.— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) September 2, 2015
At least she didn’t re-enact this part.
New babies look like weird peanuts. We all know it, I'm just the only one brave enough to say it.— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 30, 2015
Just ‘cause they make it in your size…
From the makers of;
'These boots are made for walking'
Comes;
'This belt is made for tightening'
And!
'That crop top is not for you'— Ollie Garch (@ojedge) August 31, 2015
Good question.
[friend sees 13.1 sticker on my car]
You ran a half marathon?
ME: No that's how many relationships I've ruined
..
ME: What's a half marathon— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) September 1, 2015
Stand your ground.
[Price Is Right]
Drew Carey: Sir what is your bid?
Me: I don't want that.
Drew: Sir you have to bid.
Me: [leans down to mic] No thank you.— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) August 14, 2015
He’s not big on ethanol or crazy school supply lists.
I don't have anything against any specific farmer. Just like school teachers. But when you get them in a group they can fuck right off.— Varmint Cong (@MetricButtload) September 1, 2015
You and me both.
I really hope my obituary contains the phrase "hail of bullets"— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) January 4, 2015
One of the founders of this site is pretty vocally opposed to pants, though he relents.
I can't decide between going to brunch and putting on pants, so don't talk to me about the struggle.— Jess! (@ImJESSPlayin) August 29, 2015
“Very good, sir.”
[on date]
ME: I'll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*— pat tobin (@tastefactory) August 29, 2015
“Look, man, you got the outdoor display.”
Bill: "how about we call it a Bill harmonic orchestra?"
Phil: "No. Not this time."— Thomas the Ripper (@HavocMantis) September 3, 2015
Etiquette matters.
"young man where are your manners?!"
sorry dad… [instagrams his dinner before eating]
[mouth full of salad] "Make sure you tag me"— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) December 22, 2014
Very abstract.
The year is 2042: The poet laureate of the US writes exclusively in emojis. His best poem is the eggplant emoji 800 times in a row.— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) September 2, 2015
Truth.
What guys who bike to work want me to think:
1) They're fit
2) They're green
3) They save money
What I really think:
1) They got a DUI— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2015
Pwnd!
[Lie detector]
"You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?"
- Yes
*needle going nuts*
"I, sir, have been owned"— Eldge (@Sickayduh) September 2, 2015
That’s one way to do it.
"YOLO," she chanted, ending the séance.— Creed (@novicefather) September 2, 2015
The day after the election, if current trends hold.
Son, someday all this-
*motions to the cruel indifference of the universe*
will be yours.— Viktor Winetrout, Jr (@Cpin42) January 15, 2015
Please exit the ride slowly and to the left and don’t forget to tip your flight attendant, as we’ve reached the end of this week’s trip. With heavy emphasis on trip. For what I lack in psychedelic juices, I make up for in sleep deprivation and leftover Dayquil. I may need to reconsider that, though.
Me: I think the stress is finally starting to get to me
Filing Cabinet Next To My Desk: You should murder Sally in accounting— judge berman's gavel (@JermHimselfish) August 25, 2015
