Ahh, the changing of the seasons, the crisp nip in the air, the return of the most horrible of coffees.
Fall is in the air. The turning of the leaves is nigh, the temperatures are hinting at cooling, football begins to appear, the pumpkin returns. For Linus, fall meant his annual wait for the Great Pumpkin was upon him. Linus was routinely mocked for his beliefs, but who’s laughing now? As it turns out, he was a prophet.
You smell that internet? It's the pumpkin spice tweets. THEY'RE UPON US!!!
— Godless Goomba (@ObscureGent) August 21, 2015
"Gentlemen, we are entering the worst two months of the year" -My speech to the Association of People Who Hate Pumpkin Flavored Shit
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) October 3, 2013
I wouldn’t know anything about this.
Fantasy football is like dungeons and dragons except with beer and less acne.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) August 22, 2015
Also possible when Rubio is throwing the ball.
[first date at Mexican restaurant] *ok don't let her know u support Trump* Her: u come here often? Me: the waiter is prob gonna rape you
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) August 22, 2015
Might be a better candidate than Trump.
A bag of Biscuits & Gravy potato chips isn't politically correct either but you don't see people supporting that for President.
— Stephen Perkins (@Stephen_Perkins) August 22, 2015
See, a potential supporter.
My headstone will just say: "Tried all those stupid Lays flavored chips"
— Amanda Hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) August 20, 2015
The attendants were jealous of his results and didn’t see the problem.
*runs out of tanning salon naked* Their machines have gone haywire!
— America's Henchman (@TheDailySchmuck) August 23, 2015
We’ve all been there.
And wondering what an Alien would think about that.
Neil deGrasse Tyson smiles. You assume he's had a profound thought about the cosmos, but really he was imagining a mule flying a biplane
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) August 20, 2015
Snow in the Gobi desert never melts. The Himalayan air is too cold and dry. Now pass the beer bong. I'm 'bout to show you kids what's up.
— Creed (@novicefather) August 21, 2015
If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.
Me: What should we have for dinner? Hamburger Helper Glove: Let's murder a hobo Me: um ok?
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) February 5, 2015
This is a legit response.
First date: [okay, don't let her know you're a teacher] Her: can we go watch a movie later? Me: i dont know, CAN we?
— ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ (@LaziestCanine) August 21, 2015
It’s my first language.
Interviewer: It says here sarcasm is your first language. Isn't it English? Me: Wow did you figure that one out all on your own?
— Nicole (@sassypants977) August 21, 2015
Speaking of language.
I'm glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn't do the whole dictionary
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) March 12, 2014
In next year’s dictionary, the definition will be updated.
"Brunch" is just a fancy word for "fuck it, I'm getting drunk with these eggs."
— Kolby (@kolby182) April 20, 2013
Samuel L. Jackson narrated a book about this.
"Why do you hate me and sleep?!" I cry to my child 2 hours past her bedtime.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) August 11, 2015
“I choose not to run.”
“What’s funny, Dad?”
*Child finishes handful of Pirate's Booty* "Momma, can I have more butt pirates?" This is why I had kids
— F. Bill McMorris (@FBillMcMorris) August 21, 2015
I've reached a new level of parenting, which is, "I don't care what you look like, let's just get out the door on time."
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 25, 2015
Kids change you in wonderful ways.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) August 18, 2015
Out of the mouths of babes.
"Just chill out about the directions, Mom," says my 3 y.o. like some reincarnated hippie giving me the advice I've needed all my life.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) August 25, 2015
Second verse, same as the first.
Sorry my 6yo loudly sang a song he made up about loving big boobies when you were attempting to covertly breastfeed your baby on the beach.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 25, 2015
Only if they’re non-GMO.
When I asked for a bag at Trader Joe's the cashier sighed like there was a bag shortage and she had a baby that could only eat bags
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) August 24, 2014
The intransigence is spreading.
Judge: You're out of order! Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order! *I burst in* Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) June 9, 2014
The power of persuasion.
What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) April 6, 2015
I’m sorry, but this is true.
Thought I heard a North American Bison get castrated with a pair of hedge clippers, but it was actually a Dave Matthews Band live album.
— Austrian Deer Food (@sfreeze6) August 23, 2015
Nicholas Sparks is writing the novel.
"Mom, how did you & Dad meet?" Well Billy I guess it all began when Dad liked my comment to someone else's reply on someone else's Facebook.
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) July 25, 2015
Sparks is adapting this, too.
[bride tearfully reading her vows] "And when you commented 'Nice pic haha' on my Instagram, that's when I knew
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) August 22, 2015
And, for good measure, this one too.
Feminist construction workers aren’t any better. They subjectify women as we walk by. “You’re beautiful on the inside!” they scream at me.
— Bridget Alexa Jones (@TheWoodenslurpy) August 21, 2015
Speaking of Facebook.
“Will I live, doctor?” “Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?” “Yes.” “How many likes?” “Six.” “Sent prayers?” “Four.” “You’re a goner.”
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) August 21, 2015
“He’s always just out of reach!”
Police Sketch Artist: Is this the guy? Dog: Not even close, dude. Just trace this *lays tail on table*
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) August 23, 2015
K9 Unit investigations.
Dog 911: what's ur emergency? Dog: THEYRE PUSHIN THAT LOUD THING AROUND ON THE CARPET AGAIN Dog 911: OMG Dog: OMG Dog 911: OMG Dog: OMG
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 21, 2015
Hold on, imma about to become a millionaire.
If you carry wind chimes with you at all times, everything you say can be inspirational.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) August 22, 2015
Neal Dewing disagrees with this tweet.
Still not getting the appeal of alcoholic drinks with more than one ingredient.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) August 25, 2015
One ingredient cocktails lead to greatness, though.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that's true? WOLVERINE: Nah, don't listen to her
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 24, 2015
Might want to make sure she’s just drinking apple juice.
5-year-old daughter: Can I get my nails done? Me: You’re too young. Why would you even want to? 5-year-old: To get claws like Wolverine.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 26, 2015
Trust your instincts.
wife: could you open this jar for me me: sure *smashes jar on the floor* wife: … me: YOU CANT JUST TURN NINJA REFLEXES OFF KAREN
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) August 25, 2015
Dare to dream.
Shoutout to the dreamer with a radar detector in his smart car.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) August 25, 2015
She knows what’s up.
Our granddads wore business suits on a plane. I just had a business meeting w/a 58 year old dude wearing cargo shorts & Green Lantern socks
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) August 27, 2015
Guess he won’t be supporting Trump.
Stephen Hawking: [lands a perfect 1080 in his wheelchair] "the planet Saturn is basically a big sombrero"
— huntigula (@huntigula) August 18, 2015
And thus we reach the conclusion of another exciting edition. Remember, kids, you don’t have to give in to peer pressure and Great Pumpkins. Though, be careful, for if you anger the wrong interstellar being, things could get ugly.
**eats your silences with supernovas**
— philosophy of mind (@nakedlaughing) August 25, 2015