In the world of peanut butter, one brand stands apart. You may think it’s one of the all-natural, organic, gritty peanut butters that harken back to the days when peanut butter needed jelly, butter, mayo, and other additions to be edible.
You’d be wrong. The best peanut butter in the world is Jif. What makes Jif different? It’s made with maple syrup. Maple syrup, aka tree nectar, takes Jif to a whole ‘nother level of creaminess and deliciousness. Whether making a sandwich or baking cookies, when it comes to peanut butter, there’s only one choice. Be choosy. Choose Jif.
You know who else loves peanut butter? Man’s best friend.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I'm totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 10, 2015
Don’t forget leash laws.
[looking at a baby on a leash]
Me: ma'am something is wrong with your horse
— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) June 13, 2015
Alternative pets are cool, too.
I am literally the only person at this job fair with a falcon perched on my arm.
— BERT (@beermanboobs) June 10, 2015
Kids aren’t really pets, but…
[at interview]
Her: Sir, you have no qualifications to be a zookeeper.
Me: Ummm, I have kids.
Her: When can you start?
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) June 11, 2015
They’re really the best.
Kids are good because of how they wake up at 5am when you really need them to not do that.
— the_mom_dot_com (@minivanthug) June 12, 2015
Just make sure they know who’s the boss.
"How was your first day at school?"
Had to beat up the toughest kid to earn their respect.
"Nice"
Welp, gotta go grade their papers now.
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) June 10, 2015
“Your teacher did what!”
As our weakest child Death Wind slumbers, I shall replace his toys with nunchucks & his bottle with gunpowder in preparation for "preschool"
— Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) June 12, 2015
They say the darnedest things.
[driving in car, 'Single Ladies' comes on radio]
*puts hand up*
"Mom put your hand down you're married"
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) June 11, 2015
Don’t try to get away with a similar level of honesty.
[talking to wife on phone] btw those jeans do make your ass look big
[wife yelling thru bathroom door] COME OUT HERE AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN
— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) June 8, 2015
Take time to do dad stuff, too.
Every day around noon, Lowe's employees go out in the back alley behind the store and throw leftover hardware to the stray dads.
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) June 12, 2015
Maybe they should’ve thrown garbage can lids.
this night, the still air carries not the usual report of pistols, but the territorial grunting of a raccoon nesting just outside my view
— Neal Dewing (@Neal_Dewing) June 13, 2015
There are worse things than a raccoon outside your house.
You're being unreasonable.
"Am I?" I say, unloading the fifth box of kittens into my apartment.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) June 13, 2015
Now, let’s get into the “Jurassic World” section of this week’s roundup.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosaur
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 11, 2014
If I could choose my own death, it’s how I’d go out.
"Welcome to Jurassic World!"
Is this place safe?
"Um, safe-ish."
That's good enough for-
[eaten by raptor]
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) June 14, 2015
There’s still time for a crossover.
If Jurassic World doesn't end with Bruce Willis flying an asteroid into the dinosaurs then why bother?
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) June 14, 2015
I thought that dinosaur looked familiar.
I think it's so brave that Madonna's playing a vicious old dinosaur in "Jurassic World."
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) June 15, 2015
This is going to hurt the review.
Sir, the movie theater seats are bolted down, we can't turn 'em around so u can sit "AC Slater style"
me: you'll be hearing from my lawyer
— huntigula (@huntigula) June 16, 2015
Would you go see dinosaurs in real life if you had a time machine?
[Falls out of time portal, checks watch & runs off]
[Guys inventing badminton] What should we name the birdie?
[Me out of breath]SHUTTLECOCK
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) June 11, 2015
Not just a scary belt, but a smooth-talking one.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) October 4, 2014
Way smoother than this.
And just like a thief in the mid-morning, he'd failed his Idioms 101 final exam. That class just wasn't his cup of mayonnaise.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) June 17, 2015
Parents will get this.
I wonder what the rest of my family does with all the extra time they get from not flushing the toilet.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) June 14, 2015
See?
HOT MOMS IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO FLUSH THE TOILET AND ALSO SHUT THE LID
— the_mom_dot_com (@minivanthug) June 18, 2015
The most pressing question about Rachel Dolezal: What if we’re looking at a double Jenner?
Has anyone seen C. Thomas Howell lately?
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) June 12, 2015
Somewhere in the world right now C. Thomas Howell is telling someone "I told you so".
— Nikka (@sassypants977) June 14, 2015
This is funny now, but wait ‘til it becomes reality.
Me: Heard you got busted for sexual harassment
CW: yeah
M: How come you never harassed me
CW: IDK
M: You know thats discrimination right
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 19, 2014
Live your truth.
[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
— Blank. (@sarcasm_inc) March 25, 2015
Excellent trade-off.
[GOD] and I want you to come see me every Sunday
[me] but there's football on
[GOD] what if I make flying spiders
[me] whoa ok Sunday's good
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) June 12, 2015
Excellent question.
Are we all just gonna ignore the fact that Willy Wonka enslaved an entire population
— Cocaine Cola (@SatansTongue) June 15, 2015
The important thing is to make up.
me (w/ bad haircut): hi
guy: you fight a lawnmower?
me: yea *turning to mower* but we got thru it
lawnmower: ur the wind beneath my wings
— very handsome keith (@ghostkrogh) June 12, 2015
Why isn’t it really spelled ur?
"dude i know that's not how you should spell it, just trust me"
-the guy who invented English
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) June 13, 2015
Coming soon to Taco Bell.
but what if we put the pizza INSIDE THE CHEESEBURGER?
*audience cheers*
*Guy Fieri's bowling shirt flames catch on actual fire*
— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) April 13, 2015
Fealty.
[kneels]: I pledge this sword to u my King. By the old gods & the new, my life is yours.
"Sir please get the hell out of this Burger King"
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) June 11, 2015
Leaving them with us is pretty similar to leaving them alone, actually.
Leaving my kids home alone with my husband is somehow more concerning than just leaving them home alone.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 14, 2015
Finally, the tweet that made me laugh more than any other I stumbled across this week.
[Dripping sweat after a 42 minute bagpipe solo]: Thats how you play the wind octopus
[walks out flipping off everybody at the funeral]
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) June 13, 2015
That’s it for the latest edition of TWIWT. Stay tuned for next week and the exciting offerings I find as I peruse this bizarre corner of the Internet while enjoying the tasty, affordable, nutritious ambrosia that is Jif peanut butter. Remember, accept no substitutes. Be choosy. It’s your right.
WAITER: is pepsi ok
JADEN: are any of us ok
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) June 7, 2015
