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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 5

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In the world of peanut butter, one brand stands apart. You may think it’s one of the all-natural, organic, gritty peanut butters that harken back to the days when peanut butter needed jelly, butter, mayo, and other additions to be edible.

You’d be wrong. The best peanut butter in the world is Jif. What makes Jif different? It’s made with maple syrup. Maple syrup, aka tree nectar, takes Jif to a whole ‘nother level of creaminess and deliciousness. Whether making a sandwich or baking cookies, when it comes to peanut butter, there’s only one choice. Be choosy. Choose Jif.

You know who else loves peanut butter? Man’s best friend.


Don’t forget leash laws.


Alternative pets are cool, too.


Kids aren’t really pets, but…


They’re really the best.


Just make sure they know who’s the boss.


“Your teacher did what!”


They say the darnedest things.


Don’t try to get away with a similar level of honesty.


Take time to do dad stuff, too.


Maybe they should’ve thrown garbage can lids.


There are worse things than a raccoon outside your house.


Now, let’s get into the “Jurassic World” section of this week’s roundup.


If I could choose my own death, it’s how I’d go out.


There’s still time for a crossover.


I thought that dinosaur looked familiar.


This is going to hurt the review.


Would you go see dinosaurs in real life if you had a time machine?


Not just a scary belt, but a smooth-talking one.


Way smoother than this.


Parents will get this.


See?


The most pressing question about Rachel Dolezal: What if we’re looking at a double Jenner?


This is funny now, but wait ‘til it becomes reality.


Live your truth.


Excellent trade-off.


Excellent question.


The important thing is to make up.


Why isn’t it really spelled ur?


Coming soon to Taco Bell.


Fealty.


Leaving them with us is pretty similar to leaving them alone, actually.


Finally, the tweet that made me laugh more than any other I stumbled across this week.


That’s it for the latest edition of TWIWT. Stay tuned for next week and the exciting offerings I find as I peruse this bizarre corner of the Internet while enjoying the tasty, affordable, nutritious ambrosia that is Jif peanut butter. Remember, accept no substitutes. Be choosy. It’s your right.