A feature of Weird Twitter is that members will dig around and retweet tweets that are years old, some through the help of Favstar. I haven’t gone native, yet, so I’m not 100 percent on that. Regardless, I’m glad people spend money to keep me up to date on the best tweets of all time, which means you also get to enjoy them.
Are they all from this week? If they were retweeted this week, I’m saying yes. If you disagree, start your own round-up. But beware. You stare long enough into the abyss, the abyss stares back. To wit:
Just heard a girl say "My Bae doesn't have to but chooses to only drink gluten free beer now."
The Apocalypse must be upon us..
— Cliff Duffy (@CliffDuffy) June 5, 2015
She could’ve been taking a selfie.
Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 14, 2014
I’m gonna do this in real life.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
"So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser."
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) June 5, 2015
Don’t dress for the job you have. Dress for the job you want.
Susan where is my sword? I have a very important interview in the morning
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 7, 2015
Otherwise, this might happen to you.
I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) August 3, 2012
But be sure it’s the job you want.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 7, 2015
Mollie was actually surprisingly cool when Mark did this.
Yes, I might have picked up the wrong kid from daycare, honey, but honestly…I'm kinda happy about it pic.twitter.com/NPecscmq8Y
— Austrian Deer Food (@sfreeze6) June 7, 2015
Drive it like you stole it.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that's the route number, i don't even know how I caught up to u
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 23, 2015
They attend Los Feliz Day Care.
This is our son, Hybrid. And this is our daughter, Kale.
— Randamonium (@torrami) June 4, 2015
The history of an insult.
[first middle finger]
I HENCEFORTH PROCLAIM THIS GESTURE A DISCOURTESY. BEHOLD THINE EMBLEM OF CASTIGATION AND GAZE UPON THY SHAME.
“Okay?”
— noog (@noog) June 7, 2015
Never apologize.
Sorry I rapped Tupac's Hail Mary during confession, but I'm not Catholic. And my rap game is strong.
— KatieKay (@WittySassBasket) June 7, 2015
Pretty much.
The Internet reminds me of Sunday family dinners; everyone is arguing, im apparently wrong about everything, grandpa's drunk
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) June 7, 2015
Batman?
Just saw a goth man jogging in a trench coat this is a fitness gamechanger
— ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) June 7, 2015
Rocket?
[holding bank at raccoon point]: PUT ALL THE DOUBLOONS IN A BAG
[Teller looking confused]
GIVE IT TO HIM JEFFREY
[Raccoon pulls a musket]
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) June 6, 2015
She’s got a bright future in the corporate world.
"Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?"
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) June 4, 2015
It worked. They went on to have a son named Luke and a daughter named Leia.
*talking into a fan*
I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) June 7, 2015
I thought he was a jolly old elf.
You know who else makes fun of my dyslexia?
Santa
— Jaxon/Jaxoff (@fillthevacuum) June 5, 2015
The art of the gift.
"You promise you didn't get me bees again"
[me from a distance] just open it
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 11, 2014
I’m gonna do this in real life, too.
I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths just to see how cyclists like that shit.— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) June 7, 2015
Maybe if you talk slower and louder.
"What would be your main strength?"
Well, I can communicate with animals…
"Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?"
They can't understand me.
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) March 20, 2015
Who can blame her?
*date shows me his personal copy of Jurassic Park*
*I get naked*
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) June 6, 2015
Maybe if you’ve got a stick with a bell on it.
Always confront your fears. Unless you fear bears, because if you confront a bear, you'll probably die.
— basic beth (@bourgeoisalien) May 30, 2015
This is one smart cookie.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015
Adulthood in a nutshell.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) April 10, 2013
How to protect your home.
day 7:
i haven't eaten apple in a week, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, i won't last very long, tell my family i love em.
— groovy berry (@DiscoFruit) March 27, 2015
Be prepared.
[waiting for date to get ready]
"im almost done"
no rush I'll just play with the cat
"I don't have a cat"
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
— brent (@murrman5) June 8, 2015
I like to do this on conference calls.
my favorite literary device is the non-sequitur bc i often do them accidentaly bc im a bad listener
DATE: i asked if u liked the restaurant
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) June 8, 2015
I hate when this happens.
when you're mid argument with your girl but then you realize shes right pic.twitter.com/6dJQGYB8Ri
— CHILIS IS LIT (@PakoPunch) May 31, 2015
We’re all ironing boards now.
I've just always assumed that ironing boards were surfboards that gave up on their dreams and got real jobs.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) June 9, 2015
Truth in advertising.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
— dan (@oxygenplug) January 26, 2015
U kno u do this.
I AM SORRY YOU ARE TOO BUSY TO TYPE THE 'O' IN 'OK' MY LIEGE
— GINGERATLAW (@GingerAtLaw) July 18, 2013
He was just following orders.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) January 5, 2015
Mostly true.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
— Jaxon/Jaxoff (@fillthevacuum) June 16, 2014
A norm sneaked in here.
Waiting rooms should never try to be spa like and relaxing. They should reflect internal anxiety. I recommend darkness and Alice in Chains.
— Neva (@pipandbaby) June 11, 2015
Better than being a Brony.
You married your first love? Cool. Me?.. I'm married to my passions.
*Rollerblades away to write more Care Bear fanfiction*
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) June 11, 2015
Godwin’s Law? Nah.
This Week In Weird Twitter, Vol. 3:
TODAY it seems to me providential that Fate should have chosen Braunau on the Inn as my birthplace. For
— The Anti-Federalist (@ANTIFDRLST) June 8, 2015
Sounds cool, but would probably be unnerving to eat.
[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) June 8, 2015
Thus we complete another journey around the bizarre and hilarious universe that is weird twitter. Could you follow these people yourself? Yes, you could. But be careful. The Internet is a wild place. If you aren’t careful out there, you don’t know what might happen.
Due to a glitch on craigslist, I am currently having a casual encounter with a used microwave
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 7, 2015