I promise this is a compilation. Maybe I’ve been busy this week and this “Best Of” includes tweets from whenever. Regardless, it’s definitely not a bunch of lizards pretending to be a list. Just because both start with “l” is no reason to assume that lizards could be a list. But just in case, let’s study.
If we’ve learned anything from “Arachnophobia.”
Dad always killed spiders with ridiculously large objects. A book, baseball bat, grenade, my elderly neighbor Glenda, nuclear missile strike
— Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) May 28, 2015
Sometimes you just can’t argue with the logic of young ‘uns.
Me: Do you want to put your pants back on?
5: No. I want some cheese.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) May 28, 2015
Tie a cherry stem in a knot? Nah.
I do this thing with my tongue that drives all the guys crazy. Ya know, talk.
— @sshole (@Lisa_Laughs_) March 11, 2012
Drugs are bad, mmkay?
Sparky, did u smoke the marijuana pot and eat my burger?
Sparky: pic.twitter.com/Fy9QRnpFjR
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) May 28, 2015
Always bring your A game to job interviews.
Would you rather have a good employee who steals or a bad employee who's on time
Interviewer: What?
buddy, im the one asking the questions
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) May 28, 2015
Thanks for nothing, Chris Hanson.
"This isn't helpful at all"
- Alien watching To Catch a Predator
— batkaren (@batkaren) May 26, 2015
Same goes for you, Tawny Kitaen.
You said you'd karaoke Whitesnake with me but you lied and here I am again on my own.
— The Rolo ツ (@TheRolo) May 2, 2015
Wait a minute. This isn’t how it was supposed to go at all.
He felt the last half of "vigilante" sounded too much like "auntie", so he found a new hobby — scrapbooking, last time I heard.
— etherbrian (@etherbrian) May 29, 2015
“Up” was a prophetic movie.
sorry I was late, I had to take 100 pictures of a squirrel I saw on my porch.
— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) May 29, 2015
Shovel ready.
How to create #jobs in 2 steps: Observations from #Shanghai.
#economy #leaflets pic.twitter.com/CqFQ9vlojm
— Mitchell Blatt (@MitchBlatt) May 28, 2015
Zero Pinocchios.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer you're going to jail.
— Brian (@Black__Elvis) November 10, 2012
Is that you, J.K. Rowling?
My favorite bee is the spelling bee.
*camera cuts to bee wizard hurling lighting at dragons*
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) May 29, 2015
Best uncle ever.
If you didn't want me to get your 6 year old nunchucks for his birthday then you should have put "no badass gifts" on the invite
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) April 22, 2013
Fatality.
You're sobbing. I text "it's ko." You think it's a typo, but I've just defeated my opponent in the ring. My journey has begun.
— the normie (@prodigis) May 9, 2015
Symbolism.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
"It means wisdom"
*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
"It means I was brave at the doctor"
— ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) August 20, 2014
#Science
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) May 29, 2015
Dammit.
Top Grandma names of 2052
1. Destiny
2. Alexis
3. McKenzie
4. Riley
5. Madison
6. Kaylee
7. Addison
8. Piper
9. Brooklyn
10. Zendaya
— Tony Anchovy (@SuperRandomish) May 23, 2015
When life imitates art.
Me: [angrily] "Perhaps u should just leave!"
Escher: "Fine!"
*walks out door*
*down stairs*
*walks out door*
*down stairs*
*walks out door*
— Ollie (@ojedge) May 29, 2015
Acceptance is the first step.
and that's when I realized, it wasn't the hamburger who needed help, it was me
— ghost mom (@radtoria) March 27, 2014
Huckabee for president!
Mike Huckabee is what happens when a chicken-fried steak becomes self-aware.
— Sandy (@onedumbshark) May 29, 2015
Fair request.
I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her not to shape shift into a lizard
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 31, 2015
NDT?
has anyone even thought of faxing stuff other than paper? we've had a teleportation device right under our noses this whole time
— Eyes Wide Butt (@eyeswidebutt) May 31, 2015
There’s no reason to shout.
please calm down j crew u r scarimg me pic.twitter.com/iUfa88Yhwr
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) May 9, 2015
Life is suffering.
[pointing at a crying baby in the grocery store] THIS GUY GETS IT!
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) May 31, 2015
Endorsed.
Parent Trick #719:
- Relent to playing a board game
- Open board game box
- Pretend critical piece is missing
- Put board game away
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 1, 2015
Dammit, Neal.
"none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?"
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) June 2, 2015
Four out of five dentists are unaware.
do dentists know we don't respect them
— chuuch (@ch000ch) April 9, 2015
Not green cheese?
Sure the moon is cool, but it's also filled with spiders and that's terrifying
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 2, 2015
Never had one lesson.
Dr looking at my chart: says here u have a broken fibula
Me: what is that some sort of wind instrument
Dr: I was gonna ask u the same thing
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 31, 2015
The mysteries of love.
We held hands & said nothing, the only sound was from the wind rustling thru our Hammer pants. Will we turn this mutha out? Time would tell.
— The Rolo ツ (@TheRolo) January 21, 2014
That’s it for this week, kids. What have we learned? Maybe lizards aren’t lists. But just in case, inspect your roommate. You never know; they’re shifty bastards.
Roommate wanted: must be a real people and not a bunch of lizards trying to trick me
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) November 16, 2014
