Once a gorilla walked into the middle of a group of people playing catch with a basketball, but you didn’t see the gorilla because you were busy counting how many times the people passed the ball. I am here to point out the gorilla.
Actually, there’s multiple gorillas. There’s too many to count and I can’t see the basketball anymore, and I’m losing sight of all the gorillas. But not all are lost in the mist. And with that, we’re off.
You and me both, buddy. tu
My spirit animal is anyone who drinks while supervising children
Brian Gaar (@briangaar) May 23, 2015
Kramer?
[in the break room pouring myself a coffee] are these candy on the table for everyone?
"do you even work here?"
Brent (@murrman5) May 22, 2015
People who treat dogs like children and parents who use small units of time are both awful.
Why are you breaking up with me?
"You treat your dog like a baby. It's weird"
Shh *puts hands over dog's ears* he's 26 months he understands
♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) May 22, 2015
Breakdancing is hard, yo.
[1st day as tour guide at Nat Science Museum]
Kid: are there robots?
Me doing the robot: affirmative
Kid: can we see them after your seizure
David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 22, 2015
I’m sorry, but this is so many of you.
Good morning! How's it coffee? What a coffee day it is outside. I was just coffee out the coffee and coffee coffee coffee COFFEE COFFEE COFF
Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) May 22, 2015
Hope and change.
[Reporter reporting on a house fire] I'm here with a witness, what did u see?
[Me holding an empty can of gasoline] I saw a unicorn start it
Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) May 27, 2015
Sending this one to NDT in case he ever gets abducted and can ask all his questions.
Could God get a neck tattoo so big that even he couldn't get a job?
Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) May 22, 2015
It’s called “spreading the love.”
Kids are adorable, like how they'll sneeze in your face at any moment from point blank range
Casey Michelle (@pnwildflower) May 22, 2015
Water: the silent enemy.
"Honey, there's a man outside having a fight with water."
"The neighbour?"
"Yes."
"Is he in the pool?"
"Yes."
"Again, it's called swimming."
David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 22, 2015
Mojo would never do that.
Reasons to get a pet chimpanzee:
1. They're cute
2. They're almost like humans
3. You want to get your face ripped off
Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) May 22, 2015
Pick-up lines.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
jomny sun (@jonnysun) May 26, 2015
The power of branding.
Sheep wouldn't sound so boring if they'd been called something more accurate, like 'Grass Powered Floor Clouds' or 'Wool Flavoured Pigs'
GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) May 4, 2015
If that didn’t convince you about the power of branding, this will.
If you name your daughter Destiny, she's going to grow up to enjoy the finer things in life such as dollar bills, glitter, and g-strings
EnvyDaTropic (@envydatropic) May 23, 2015
On the other hand, a good salesman is a force of nature.
"…they come in several flavors, and they're called Corn Nuts." — world's greatest salesman
Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 24, 2015
Michael the Rock is the enemy of illogical moral preening.
It's funny how some people are anti-gun until you remind them about sharks and juggalos
Rock (@TheMichaelRock) May 23, 2015
CAPITALISM SUCKS! the hipster vigorously tweeted from his iPad, in Starbucks.
Rock (@TheMichaelRock) May 27, 2015
People: WE DEMAND $15 AN HOUR!
McDonald's: LOL, we just installed kiosks.
Rock (@TheMichaelRock) May 27, 2015
For you dreamers, no, you don’t have to be a member of Weird Twitter to make the cut.
Just occurred to me that I'll be unloading a dishwasher once or twice per week until I'm dead. Now considering a life on the run.
Fiendish Super-Yokel (@MetricButtload) May 23, 2015
Sean Connery’s secret account.
I've decided to stop making fun of your mom.
That whore's been through enough.
Mined Ova Matta (@MinedOvaMatter) May 24, 2015
The talk.
*having pillow fight w/ pet goose, I hit him too hard & feathers fly everywhere*
GOOSE: Wtf are those?!?
ME: Shit u better sit down for this
pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 25, 2015
Answer: There’s never too many.
How many banjo solos is too many banjo solos to play on your first date?
Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) May 25, 2015
There’s also wine.
I just go to church for the free hugs and handshakes.
GrossHopper (@AGStr8upNinja) May 24, 2015
So heteronormative.
My 5-year-old told me a 20-minute story about a pair of shoes she wore for one day two years ago.
She's already a woman.
Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 26, 2015
As long as we’re talking heteronormativity, here’s a classic.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that'd be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Ann (@writerPT) February 12, 2014
I think Neal Dewing used to do LARP.
You can tell a lot about someone by how they react when you offer them a free ticket to the Renaissance fair
Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) May 26, 2015
Only when in Reno.
THEM: Don't do anything I wouldn't do!
ME: Would you kill a man in cold blood for using trite sayings?
Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) May 27, 2015
What’s the opposite of Eleanor Roosevelt, Alex?
I try to do one thing every day that doesn't scare me.
Smug Lemur (@Smug_Lemur) May 27, 2015
Truth.
"You're always a bit less cautious with your second kid" *baby wanders by holding a lit stick of dynamite* "Throw it honey"
sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) May 27, 2015
It can mow the yard and provide milk, probably.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) May 27, 2015
#Science.
[science fair]
JUDGE: turn it on
ME: *flips switch* BZZZ BZZZ BZZZ
J: what's it doing?
ME: it's going BZZZ BZZZ BZZZ
J: Science
ME: Science<
Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) May 27, 2015
Look, don’t make it awkward.
Just made eye contact with some guy at the urinals while Taylor Swift's 'Shake It Off' played in the men's restroom & now I hate everything.
Nathan (@stockejock) May 27, 2015
President Biden on the military.
[if i was president]
"mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat"
this press conference is over<
k e e t (@KeetPotato) May 28, 2015
Priorities.
Me: Will you marry me?
GF: OMG! YES!
[Waiter brings complimentary piece of cake]
GF and I simultaneously: This is the best day of my life!
Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) May 28, 2015
Could you use it in a sentence?
It's the National Spelling Bee today and these kids are f̶e̶n̶o̶n̶m̶e̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶p̶h̶e̶n̶o̶m̶i̶n̶a̶l̶ these kids are really good.
Smug Lemur (@Smug_Lemur) May 28, 2015
Tight game.
"Actually it's Salt and PEPA not pepper"
-me, in the 90's, not getting laid
Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) May 21, 2015
History is hard.
My wife just asked me how many stars are on the American flag. Pfft, can you believe that? As if I'm some kind of genius or something.
Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) May 24, 2015
You and me both, buddy.
Her: I want to know what moves you. What drives you.
Me: *lifts bottle of scotch, points to it with other hand*
Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) May 26, 2015
With that bookend, we’re done with this week’s expanded list. For those I missed, don’t hesitate to hit me up at @rcromwell4. I can’t promise that I won’t miss you again, but there’s just so many of you frickin’ weirdos and I’m just one man. Speaking of being a man…
One time at dinner I asked my father to pass the salt and he threw a toaster oven at a ceiling fan. I became a man that day.
Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) May 13, 2015
