It’s official: Hillary Clinton is in for 2016. Beltway super-lobbyist John Podesta informed the world of her decision yesterday via e-mail. To commemorate the occasion, Hillary released a video and a brand new website. For those wondering why Hillary is running and why she wants to be president, her campaign website sets the record straight:
Wait, what? She’s running to be the leader of the free world, the American Commander-in-Chief, the most powerful person on earth because she…is looking for a new adventure? Because she needs a new chapter on that book she released that nobody wanted to buy? Really?
Most people run for higher office because of a specific problem or set of problems they want to solve: an economy needs to be jump-started, the debt needs to be reduced, America needs to be safer and more secure, and so on. But not Hillary.
To Hillary, the American presidency is apparently just the adult version of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books everyone loved when they were kids. When you think about it like that, her political career choices suddenly make a lot more sense. Heck, she even chose the title “Hard Choices” for her most recent book, an obvious callback to the stilted and formulaic prose used in the popular children’s series. The “Choose Your Own Adventure” lens makes a number of her previously questionable decisions that much more clear.
For example, there was that time she eagerly worked to slime women who accused Bill Clinton of sexual assault:
And then there were those fishy cattle futures trades:
Remember the 3:00 a.m. phone call commercial that Hillary ran against Obama during the 2008 Democratic primary campaign? Hillary likely received that phone call during the terrorist attacks against the U.S. in Benghazi, which left four Americans dead. That event also forced her to make some hard choices:
Then there’s the whole e-mail controversy, whereby Hillary ran a secret server for years and then promptly deleted the server’s hard drive once its existence was made public:
Whether the American public will buy into Hillary’s characterization of the White House as just another item on her personal bucket list is yet to be seen, but at least we’ll have another 18 months to figure this whole thing out. Choose wisely, America.