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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 57

By: Rich Cromwell
10 min read

Grilling season is upon us, and this handy guide will help ensure your parties are always a success.

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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Summer is the season in which we, in our infinite wisdom, head outside into the heat and fire up our grills. Perhaps we should reconsider and do such grilling in the dead of winter, when our grills would warm us instead of scorching us, but some traditions die hard. Also, without such dedication and heat, we wouldn’t be able to have summer cookouts, most noble of decidedly inelegant gatherings.

Whether it’s the necessary beer that makes us impervious to heat or the fact that we’re just stubborn, make the most of it. In our hearts, even if we feign complaints, we know we love it. For if there is a time for fire and the out of doors, it’s when it’s ridiculously warm and possibly dry. Besides, it’s the only choice we have.


Alas, hunting season and grilling season have little overlap. Perhaps it’s for the best.


And when you clean up, clean up like a boss.


Another benefit of grilling?


If you were grilling, no one would even question this statement.

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Step one of this scheme involves alcohol. I’m not sure what step involves grilling, but I’m certain it’s in there.


This is one of the steps, as well.


You know what would never happen with a horse?


When grilling, don’t limit yourself to burgers and steaks. Everything tastes better when it’s grilled.

Be prepared, always.


Maybe not this prepared.


You’ll need side items. A nice summer salad balances the heaviness of the meat and also goes with most booze, though skip wine if you’re using a vinaigrette. The vinegar fights with wine.


Roving bands of unruly teens, freed from the shackles of school, may attempt to ruin your good time. That’s why you have fire.


Of course, even if you limit the festivities to invited guests, you might have some who overstay their welcome.


There will also always be that guest. You can ignore them, at least until morning when you have to shoo them out of the front yard.


If you plan and execute following all the steps listed here, you’ll also have no shortage of hot female guests, literally and figuratively.


If you drink, don’t drive. Otherwise, this might happen to you.


Particularly cops looking to grow their professional network.


When party planning, don’t forget to include some activities. Your guests will have a better time if you serve up more than food and drinks.


First, though, you have to trap your launchables, which aren’t to be confused with Lunchables. Your co-host may argue, but keep her focused on the big picture.


No matter what, though, some guests will choose to entertain themselves.


And though you may be tempted to offer direction, just let them go for it. You’ve got a grill to attend to.


No matter what. You can’t fight the feeling anymore and you don’t even know what you were fighting for.


Even if you try to fight the feeling, you’re going to be ignored anyway. Just roll with it. Also, maybe, form a conga line.


Besides, no matter the game plan, the coach is likely going to call an audible at the end.


When planning, make sure to plan for extra guests. It’s not a proper party if you don’t attract a few stragglers.


There’s also going to be a crew who keeps it going late and risks inviting police over to demand you check them out on LinkedIn.


Don’t forget the mayo-based potato salad.


And make sure there’s something for everyone.


An important part of party planning is having a kick-ass soundtrack. Fortunately, there are many summer jams to keep the speakers thumping.


Another submission for the playlist.


Don’t forget the bookworms, either. They’ll need reading materials.


You’ll probably need a vegetarian dish for this one.


It is a party and the kids have to learn sometime.


You know what will help wash that down? Also, get that kid some sunglasses.


She may need to get out of the sun.


Looks like we have someone to provide desserts.

When selecting a venue, make sure to plan for contingencies that may lessen the overall excitement of your soiree.


Now, see who can outrun sharks, maybe even a sharknado.


If someone RSVPs and doesn’t show, have your crew take care of that.


And if he complains…


Guess whose kids stand a greater chance of growing up to be MacGyver.

I don’t remember inviting him, but whatever. That’s why you always cook more than you think you’ll need.


In the end, though, remember it’s your house, and you’re the one who calls the shots. Act accordingly.


Then, when everyone’s appetite is sated with meats and cheeses and cakes and boozes, you can survey your territory and know that you have succeeded. Have you left a legacy? No, but people did enjoy themselves. Perhaps you even enjoyed yourself, in between running around like a crazed person wearing an apron and holding a set of tongs. You should, for without you, who would start the grill?

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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