Hans Fiene
Hans Fiene
Hans Fiene

Hans Fiene is a Contributor to The Federalist. He is a Lutheran pastor in Illinois and the creator of Lutheran Satire, a series of comical videos intended to teach the Lutheran faith. Follow him on Twitter, @HansFiene .

Church Of England’s Transgender Baptisms Blaze Trail For 3 More Blasphemous Rites

It’s time to stop marginalizing the Christians in polyamorous lifestyles, for example. We must institute ‘Holy Throupling’ to fully sanctify their love.

10 Beloved Christmas Movie Characters Who Are Actually Terrible People

‘Frosty the Snowman’ is the story of a self-absorbed nitwit who kidnaps an impressionable young girl and brings her to the deadliest terrain on earth.

Twitter’s New Trans Speech Rules Emanate From Religious Extremism

With a recent tweak to their terms of service, Twitter has made it quite clear it’s in the business of exiling anyone who deviates from the new political-religious orthodoxy.

Pro Wrestling Explains Why Trump Wins Every Battle With The Media

While it may be indisputable that the media can’t win a cage match against the president, it’s certainly worth exploring why.

Here’s The Only Completely Correct Ranking Of Halloween Candy

Coming in at 19 is 3 Musketeers. If these stopped existing tomorrow, it would take you 30 years to notice. It’s the Delaware of candy bars.

Why The Philadelphia Flyers’ Hideous New Mascot Perfectly Embodies Sports Fans

No, Gritty is not toxic masculinity incarnate. He is sports fandom incarnate. And that’s what makes him the perfect mascot.

We Should Remember 9/11 Through The Lens Of Good Friday

We are all capable of indescribable evil. And yet God chose to love us.

Here’s Your Updated Guide To Superhero And Supervillains’ Religious Affiliations

Batman’s newfound lack of faith raises an interesting question: what do the rest of the folks in comic book land believe?

For A Successful Legacy, President Trump Needs To Move Past His Rocky Balboa Persona

President Trump is constantly wasting energy trying to reclaim a persona he’s not in danger of losing. I call this Return-To-Rocky disorder.

If You Don’t Know Enough About Politics, Don’t Tweet Or Vote

God hasn’t called you to insult strangers who are a thousand miles away. He’s called you to love the neighbors who are right in front of you.

Calling Einstein A Racist Is Perfect For Those Who Can’t Compete With His Accomplishments

In 1922, Albert Einstein had some private thoughts that are roughly as offensive as the 15 RealPatriotsAgainstMexico.blogtown.net articles you aunt shared on Facebook last week.

What Samantha Bee Can Learn from Will Smith’s Grandma

Bee’s Ivanka jokes were obvious and safe — guaranteed to get an easy laugh from an already converted choir that just wants to have its anger validated.

Chuck Schumer Explains Why Federalism Is Right For Pot, Wrong For Everything Else

Let’s sing about the importance of states having power until we regain power in Washington.

The Parkland Kids Have A Lot In Common With Pentecostal Child Preachers

The problem with child preachers is they eventually grow up to discover the world is not so easily conquered, and the faithful crowds can in fact be rather fickle.

The 8 Best And 8 Worst Oscar-Winning Songs Of All Time

In the entire history of awards, the best original song Oscar is the most useless method of measuring an artist’s abilities. Here’s proof.

5 New Events To Spice Up The Next Winter Olympics

If the International Olympic Committee wants to give us anything to look forward to in 2022, it will need to plug some more fascinating forms of competition into Beijing’s schedule.

To Prevent School Shootings, We All Need To Get Into Our Neighborhoods

A healthy community will help parents who don’t have the means to protect their children, and a state that can’t figure out how to properly balance freedom and safety.

One Of His Survivors Shows How To Forgive A Monster Like Larry Nassar

Rachael Denhollander gave a heartbreaking yet beautiful answer to the forgiveness question in a victim impact statement she delivered to Nassar in court.

3 Better Ways To Cope With Trump’s Presidency Than Chelsea Handler’s Winter Sabbatical

I hope Chelsea Handler accomplished her goal of reducing her political anxiety. But if her fellow Resistance members want to do likewise, lounging at the nearest ski resort isn’t the way.

Here’s A Sneak Peek At Hallmark’s Next Christmas Movie

For those who complain that Hallmark movies are painfully formulaic, this one is a unique and daring film with the courage to make bold narrative choices and form original character arcs.