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Aliens Have Visited America And This Is What They Saw

Image CreditKevin Dooley/Flickr

In sensational Congressional testimony this week, a former high-level Pentagon official said that the U.S. government has made physical contact with “non-human biologics” recovered from unearthly space crafts. I can confirm first-hand that there are extra-terrestrials who have made it to America in recent days and they have drafted a report of their findings, to be released to the broader cosmos upon its completion. Here is a brief summary:

The Other World Touring Foreigners (O-WTFs) took particular interest in America’s status as the planet’s richest nation, which appears to do little if anything to protect that designation. They viewed its southern border as something like a gaping wound that natives refuse to cover or close but only stare at as lethal toxins pour inside. They’ve set a timer for how long before the situation is addressed or before it leads to a collapse of the civilization.

O-WTFs were entertained by the ongoing drama engulfing the U.S. president and his professed drug addict son, especially the episode wherein cocaine was found in their home but was allegedly unable to be traced to its owner. Also, the illogical process by which the younger Biden was brought forth before a court to answer for criminal offenses, for which it was intended for him to receive no punishment on those offenses and potentially yet uncovered ones.

The visitors were likewise flummoxed by a medical mystery with another important figure, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, yet one more octogenarian leading the nation, who on Wednesday was unable to complete a pre-planned public appearance and was ushered away after his speech trailed off and his gaze went blank. O-WTFs documented the episode for its lack of explanation and the capacity for the nation’s citizens to accept the uncertainty.

Other topics for further study:

—Why are Americans dedicating significant financial resources to the manufacturing of an expensive product that is unreliable, counterproductive to its stated purpose, and without enough buyers to justify the output?

—A predominant political party that purports to champion racial equality but which also defends discrimination based on race.

—The continued tolerance of a mass information proliferation mechanism that has proven faulty at best, and outright hostile to large and even potentially dangerous portions of the population it purports to serve at worst.

—A lasting ambivalence toward new sworn testimony asserting the existence of intelligent life beyond earth.

A release date for the final report has not been set.

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