After spending several days off the grid in complete darkness and solitude, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers made his long-awaited return to the civilized world last week.
During a Feb. 14 appearance on “The Pat McAfee Show,” the NFL star announced he was planning to spend four days and four nights at a “darkness retreat” to “have a better sense of where [he’s] at in [his] life.” Throughout his stay at Sky Cave Retreats, a facility located on forested land in southern Oregon, Rodgers would remain isolated in a partially underground, dark room by himself.
“I think we could all use a dose of turning our phones off once in a while and unplugging from society. Some people don’t want to do a few days and nights of darkness, and that’s fine,” Rodgers said. “But to out and out judge it like you have any understanding of it, that’s not exactly a way to come together as a society and connect better as a people.”
The move isn’t unusual for Rodgers, who has previously spent his offseason engaging in fairly abnormal self-reflective activities. In 2020, for example, the Green Bay quarterback embarked on a journey to Peru to try ayahuasca, a “plant-based psychoactive traditionally used in indigenous ceremonies.” Rodgers has since claimed the psychedelic drug taught him how to “unconditionally love” himself and helped pave “the way for [him] to have the best season of [his] career.”
The primary reason Rodgers’ 2023 sabbatical has garnered so much attention, however, is because the Packers’ star quarterback has yet to decide on his future in the NFL. At 39 years old, it’s unclear whether Rodgers intends to return to the Packers, or even come back to play in the league at all. If he does play with the Packers next season, he would be guaranteed $59.465 million, according to ESPN.
While Rodgers hasn’t offered any specifics on what he intends to do next, it wouldn’t hurt to speculate on some of the people or things he might’ve encountered during his adventure.
1. Pearl Nelson
During a recent trip to Virginia Beach, President Joe Biden gave another one of his dementia-laden speeches filled with falsehoods about Republicans. While it’s not uncommon for Biden to lie to the American public, this speech was unique because it introduced the country to someone we’ve never heard of before: Pearl Nelson.
According to Biden, this supposed nurse helped take care of him during a hospital stay and would “do things” people typically don’t learn in nursing school.
“She’d whisper in my ear, I couldn’t understand, but she’d whisper and she’d lean down and actually breathe on me to make sure there was a human connection,” Biden said. The president told a similar version of this tale back in 2020 but didn’t mention the name of his alleged caretaker.
Did Rodgers meet this mysterious Nelson while on retreat? If so, what kinds of breathing exercises did he learn from her? And how do we effectively mimic them so we can shower our loved ones with our warm breath?
These are questions we need answers to.
2. $12 Balloons Shot Down by the U.S. Military
After letting a Chinese spy balloon float across the continental United States before shooting it down, the Biden administration has been gung-ho to fire on any UFO it comes across — which apparently includes $12 homemade balloons.
Earlier this month, the Air Force fired a $400,000 missile at a UFO that might have been a $12 homemade balloon “belonging to an Illinois enthusiast club.” According to The New York Post, “The Northern Illinois Bottlecap Balloon Brigade told Aviation Week … that it fears one of its diligently tracked gasbags that recently went missing was the mystery object taken out by the [U.S.] military over Canada.”
While purely speculative, it’s not ludicrous to think the administration could’ve taken the remains of the balloon and hid it in the dark confines of a facility like the one Rodgers stayed at to avoid public humiliation. And who’s to say the alleged balloon in question is the only one of its kind?
3. Corn Pop
After Biden courageously confronted him in the 1960s for unruly behavior, the vile gang leader known as Corn Pop has been in hiding ever since. While Corn Pop’s current location is unknown, it’s entirely plausible the man who supposedly earned the wrath of a young Biden has been sheltering in the same darkness retreat as Rodgers.
Perhaps he and Rodgers even shared the same living quarters, but due to the darkness, the Packers star didn’t even know he had a roommate.
4. More of Biden’s Classified Documents
With Joe Biden, you never really know when or where another batch of classified documents is going to pop up. Sometimes they’ll show up in his Delaware home’s garage right before Christmas, or in the rooms adjacent not long after New Year’s.
So it wouldn’t be a total shocker if Rodgers announced tomorrow that he came across some suspicious papers with Biden’s name on them during his excursion.
5. Gisele Fetterman
After entering her husband and Pennsylvania’s newest senator, John Fetterman, into the hospital for severe depression, Gisele Fetterman did what any caring wife would do: She packed up the car and took her kids on a last-minute vacay to Canada. But was that the only place the Fetterman matriarch took her family?
Maybe after forcing her very ill husband to run for public office, Gisele needed some time for self-reflection. What better way to do that than by locking oneself in a small, dark room located in the middle of nowhere for a couple of days?
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