Hey, Wajahat, how’s it going, man? I see that you are catching hell for your New York Times hit piece on the more than 70 million Americans who voted for Donald Trump. And, you know, I just want to apologize to you, on their behalf and mine, for not heeding your really important advice about what our political views should be. You took time out of your busy day to insult us, and we should have respected that more.
You are to be commended. You did what any regular guy would do when trying to understand Trump voters. You went to your speaking agency and had them book you gigs in Trump country, those sad little corners of America where you can get breakfast for under 30 dollars. That was the smart way to go. First of all you get paid, second you are assured a podium to literally stand above the rubes you are trying to convert. It’s frankly incredible that you changed nobody’s mind, but that’s their fault, not yours.
The important thing to remember during this trying time is that you are right and we are wrong. We wanted stupid things like constitutional Supreme Court justices, no new wars, tax cuts, a record stock market, criminal justice reform, peace deals in the Middle East, and coronavirus vaccines in record time. Selfish things. You wanted a president you could be proud of! Why? I don’t fully understand, but it seems very high-minded.
Oh, hey, by the way, I noticed in your Times byline it says you’re a playwright! That’s awesome. I’m a theater guy too. Audiences, am I right? Such idiots, buffoons really. You’re right that they never understand how stupid they are, how meaningless their life experiences are compared to ours, all they can learn from us.
You should have a closet full of Tony Awards by now and instead you have to slave away at the New York Times, and on speaking engagements, and yuck it up with Don Lemon and Rick Wilson, making fun of poor white people with funny accents who don’t know geography. That was outstanding, man, you freakin’ nailed it. Brilliant! Some day I’ll have to show you my impression of the stupid immigrant Muslims who live in my Brooklyn neighborhood. You’d love it.
Anyway, I’m writing to say that I apologize for all of us who voted for Trump. I know we disappointed you. I mean, what is the point of living in a free country if there are going to be dumb people who don’t want to submit to single-party rule? Right? You know better than I do that all of your political ideas are the right, proper, and correct ones, ours are evil, racist, and tiresome. But hey, you made an effort, you reached out, and you should be thanked for that, so thank you.
If I can shift for just one second away from how amazing you are — not because you aren’t amazing, because you are totally amazing — but I wanted to sing the praises of The New York Times opinion page for a moment too. Now that the page is run by woke 14-year-olds and fake historians, it finally gets it. It’s an “opinion page” not an “opinions page.” It professes THE opinion — the one, right, true, reasonable opinion. Yours. Everyone at Cipriani says so.
Anyway, I’ve probably already taken too much of your time. I just want to say how sorry I am that you have to live in a country where not everyone agrees with you. I know you’re disappointed in us. We haven’t lived up to your expectations.
I won’t ask you to forgive us — I mean, we aren’t forgivable, obviously — but I will ask something of you. Please continue to lecture us, oh playwright of truth and wisdom, as to how irredeemable we are. We need it. A lot of us are stupid Christians who think it’s God who is supposed to judge us when all along it’s been you.
Some of us are beginning to see that now, so please, keep it up. Keep going with the condescending insults. You are really starting to break through. What we have needed all along is a smart ass with an inflated ego to tell us how stupid we are, and you are really good at it! So thank you, and again, apologies, we don’t deserve you.
Stupid Trump Voters You Rightfully Disdain