I was deep into a review copy of the forthcoming book “How to Ruin Everything: The Ultimate Guide to Political Correctness, Virtue Signaling and Victimization,” when The Song came up on my Amazon Echo.
“Alexa,” I screamed, “turn off that misogynistic piece of patriarchal, rape-baiting trash immediately!” She complied, and served up the now-classic U.O.E.N.O. by the great Rick Ross. Much better. No underlying sexual tension.
I was just starting to read the chapter entitled “Using Politically-Correct Pickup Lines” (“Say, aren’t you in my genderqueer-studies class?”) when the first words of that disgusting celebration of date rape seared my sensibilities: “I really can’t stay (but baby, it’s cold outside) / I’ve got to go away (but baby, it’s cold outside).”
It’s not that the opening lines are themselves dangerous and offensive, unless you already know what’s coming— which, of course, you do. That’s because they play the bejeebers out of this song every year. Even though I turned it off, it’s now an ear worm, and I have a review to write.
This evening has been (been hoping that you’d drop in)
So very nice (I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice)
Cripes. If I can’t get this out of my head I’m gonna’ blow this deadline. Anyway, “The Ultimate Guide” is going to be a blockbuster. It’s all here: from gender pronouns to microaggressions to resistance.
The book— really an encyclopedia— will be especially handy for incoming cohorts in higher education. The pressure to “get it right” for new students is increasingly high, and often is itself a “triggering event” that leads to sobbing breakdowns, flailing limbs, and uncontrolled rending. With the guide at the ready in backpack or mobile device, new students can navigate campus . . .
My mother will start to worry (beautiful what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (listen to the fireplace roar)
Dammit! Alexa, play “Baby Fat” by Wet Willie. I gotta clear my head of this holiday smut and get back to work. As I was saying—with the guide, new students can navigate campus with confidence. Parents of those new students can also benefit from this book, especially during the first break when their newly minted resistance fighter comes home. Many a social-justice minefield can be safely traversed using the wisdom contained in the “Guide.”
Several chapters are worthy of special note, demonstrating how comprehensively the book covers the subject material. For example, chapter four, “Intersectionality: You Too Can Be a Multi-Victim,” showcases innovative techniques for boosting your victimhood multiplicand with a powerful cultural multiplier. For example, gay/person of color/male delivers a decent score on the intersectionality matrix, but can’t hold a candle to Latina/trans female/asexual/differently-abled/undocumented/lower-income. That combination, intersectionally speaking, kicks butt.
Chapter eleven, “How to Get Any Man Fired,” explores the nuances of sexual harassment in the workpl…
So really I’d better scurry (beautiful please don’t hurry)
But maybe just a half a drink more (put some records on while I pour)
Oopsie— sounds like she’s flagging.
The neighbors might think (baby, it’s bad out there)
Say what’s in this drink? (no cabs to be had out there)
Here’s the part where he slips her a roofie. Thanks, brain. As I was saying . . .
I ought to say, no, no, no sir (mind if I move in closer?)
Seriously, what part of “I ought to say, no, no, no sir” doesn’t he understand?
My head is spinning (let’s jump in the bed)
I think I may faint (how ‘bout a shower instead?)
Alexa, “Me So Horny”! “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you there. I’m just a hollow cylinder. Would you like to hear a nice sports podcast?”
The song! Two Live Crew, idiot!
Where was I? Anyway the “Guide” furnishes today’s progressive with an arsenal of effective weapons to deploy in the war against oppression:
- Underdoggy-Style: How to Position Yourself as an Oppressed Victim.
- Changing the Rules: Keeping Conservative Bigots Perpetually Off-Balance.
- Pepe Le Pew: The First Cartoon Rapist?
- Finding Fascism Everywhere: It’s Easy If You Have No Idea What It Is.
- Winning The Gender War: We Have Fifty-Three— They Only Have Two
- Avoiding Meaningful Debate: Ten Essential Conservative Epithets.
- Fighting Microaggression With Microretaliation.
- Getting to Woke: You Can Do It— Even Without a Black Friend.
- Critical Theory: . . .
How low you have sunk (let’s slip into my bunk)
You’re getting me drunk (just one look at my junk)
You’d better stop! (lets make our love real)
I’m calling a cop (I’ll just cop a small feel)
There it is: no means no. He deserves whatever he gets, the slime ball.
I was attacked by this creep (did he fondle your breast?)
Worse yet — he winked! (I’ll make an arrest)
That does it. I’m not taking on any meaningful work between Thanksgiving and Christmas. What’s the point?
Just then, Alexa cues up “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.”
