3 Other Crazy Things Gwyneth Paltrow Wants Ladies To Stick Inside Themselves
Amelia Hamilton
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It’s hard to be a woman in our modern patriarchy, isn’t it? Balancing femininity and strength is something to which we all aspire. To that end, we are truly lucky to have Gwyneth Paltrow and her lifestyle blog, Goop. Why, just last week, the blog shared the joy of shoving a jade egg up one’s ladyflower.

Why? “Jade eggs can help cultivate sexual energy, increase orgasm, balance the cycle, stimulate key reflexology around vaginal walls, tighten and tone, prevent uterine prolapse, increase control of the whole perineum and bladder, develop and clear chi pathways in the body, intensify feminine energy, and invigorate our life force. To name a few!”

But wait, there’s more!

“The jade creates kidney strength—it’s known as jing in Chinese energy, and it’s all about sexual potency, and even beauty—if your hormones are balanced, your skin will look better. It’s a holistic combination of things, where one benefit builds to another. Jade also takes away negativity and cleanses—it’s a very heavy material, very powerful.”

Just make sure you show the jade egg situation the proper reverence. After all, if you’re a cheapskate and got the rose quartz version, you shelled out $55. But if you actually care about your meowmeow, you’ll spring for the $66 jade version.

“Before I insert an egg, I’ll do a ritual: I place it on a beautiful piece of fabric, light a candle, maybe even burn some sage. For my ritual, I imagine pure light flowing between me and the egg.”

And don’t forget about storage! I mean, when you’re not storing it there.

“Always wrap the egg in silk, keep it clean, and store it on an altar—it should take a sacred place in your life.”

What else have we egg-free women been missing? To teach us how to woman, here are three other things Paltrow and her Goop have told us to put in our hoohas.

1. Steam

Wait, what? Why would…“The real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam: You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” Thankfully, you are not the boss of me, and I do not. Hard pass.

Forcing hot air into one’s ladybits seems like a terrible way to spend one’s time, and doctors agree. OB-GYN Jen Gunter wrote, “Steam is probably not good for your vagina. Herbal steam is no better and quite possibly worse. It is most definitely more expensive. Steam isn’t going to get into your uterus from your vagina unless you are using an attachment with some kind of pressure and MOST DEFINITELY NEVER EVER DO THAT. Mugwort or wormwood or whatever when steamed, either vaginally or on the vulva, can’t possibly balance any reproductive hormones, regulate your menstrual cycle, treat depression, or cure infertility Even steamed estrogen couldn’t do that.”

It sounds painful, it’s expensive, a huge waste of time, and it’s more likely to harm one’s down under than help it. What else does she recommend?

2. A $15,000 Sex Toy

In its defense, it’s solid gold, so the price makes more sense. On the other hand, it’s solid gold, which is stupid.

I’m starting to think Ms. Paltrow is not in touch with the common woman, who wouldn’t even spend $8,000 on a second-rate silver “massager.”

3. An App for Your Pelvic Floor

Always forget to do your Kegels? Not anymore! Just get an Elvie: a “trainer for your pelvic floor.” Take the doohickey, stick it up your stargate, open the app, and the magic begins.

“A session lasts for about five minutes, during which you contract and relax your pelvic floor muscles while watching your progress on screen, in real time, as your pelvic floor activity effectively moves bars and dots across the screen as directed. Your Elvie workouts are personalized based on your baseline strength (which the app tests for), and the objectives of the exercises vary, increasing in intensity as you go up in levels.”

It’s like Tomb Raider (Womb Raider?) for your front bum! Every girl’s dream.

I think it’s time we women accept that Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t know what she’s talking about (which we should have known since she wore that ill-fitting dress to the Oscars in 1999, amirite?). Sorry, Ms Paltrow, but you should stick to your day job and leave the downstairs care to us and our doctors.

Those of you who subscribe to Goop: if you care about your nono, it’s time to consciously uncouple.

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