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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 83

As the Knights Templar foretold, as the shadows pass the day, in this sign thou shall conquer.


When preparing to face the day, it’s always a good idea to have a machete handy. When it’s a Friday the 13 in January, it’s not just a good idea, but a necessity. For it was on a January 13, albeit one way back in 1128, when Pope Honorius II declared the Knights Templar an army of God.

If you don’t understand why this is of concern, it’s because the Knights Templar are still very much around and very much pulling all the strings. In the chain of command, the Illuminati are way below the Templars, the Shriners are way below the Illuminati, and the Reverse Vampires lower even than the Shriners. But when you have most of the treasures that Indiana Jones tried to capture, as the knights do, you tend to accrue some power and influence.

As such, and given it’s their anniversary, the Templars will be especially shadowy and nefarious today. There will be shenanigans and schemes aplenty; subterfuge and ruse will be on not-so-prominent display, as is their wont. There won’t be chaos, though, for that would give it away. But should your mail run late, your latte be weak, or your Internet a bit slower than normal, know that you’ve been touched by the ancient army.

You may choose to disbelieve these truths, but you must remember your Umberto Eco. Eco, in “Foucault’s Pendulum,” discussed the Templars and why they matter, writing, “The lunatic is all idée fixe, and whatever he comes across confirms his lunacy. You can tell him by the liberties he takes with common sense, by his flashes of inspiration, and by the fact that sooner or later he brings up the Templars.”

I’m perfectly calm right now, you’re just not listening.

This kid went on to join the Templars, I think.

How you know when the funeral you’re attending is for someone who was a member of a shadowy cabal.

I’m way ahead of you here.

If he succeeds, prepare for all the perks that come with membership into an exclusive club.

Only the most hardcore go this route.

Sometimes you just have to give an idea a shot and see what happens. It’s what the ancients did.

Technically that was the last day of Christmas, but moderners don’t celebrate all 12 days.

Moderners also don’t get what constitutes a pleasant aroma.

Ahh, yes, as people used to communicate.

You could use subterfuge and maybe a sword.

Let’s keep it that way, k?


That’s not coincidental.

World domination is implied.

Mostly on the other end of the disaster, but whatever.

You should really be more secretive than this. In fact, why do you even have hard copies of anything?

That’s just what that cephalopod wanted you to think.

This is an excellent example of how to take liberties with common sense.

Maybe. The real rulers don’t advertise.

Balling like someone who does run the world.

It was good, but definitely not album of the year.

Yet he was never made a member.

We can weaponize it. There’s your reason.

Look, you can’t run a shadow government without a few assassins.

Assassins skilled at the art of subterfuge.

She’s building a small, but fierce, army.

Sorry but we need some people to take the fall for a second, but they have to be top people. We’ll jailbreak you though.

What if I could explain the alchemy behind the helium?

But don’t mention anything you see along the way.

Tactical world domination gear.

These are the sorts of subtle disruptions I was mentioning.

Almost indeed.

All part of the plan.

You say that like it’s a bad thing, but sometimes there are other choices, too.

A strong tree grows from a well-planted seed.

Ummm, you probably shouldn’t publicly admit this.

Use that, just make sure it’s subtle. Subterfuge and all.

Don’t forget to throw a few curves either.

We could use someone like you.

We can surmise some, though. Glad you escaped safely.

The Templars actually didn’t have anything to do with that and were incredibly heartbroken when the end arrived.

She’s in.

Whatever, we decide when winter will end.

Those guys are small potatoes. Sit, take this pamphlet, and let’s have a chat. I know of a clandestine organization that might better appreciate a subtle ruse such as that.

After the smoke from the bomb dissipated, Eco continued. In his estimation, there were actually four types of people in the world, the lunatic being just one. There were also the cretins, a people who “don’t even talk; they sort of slobber and stumble.” Then there were the fools. They “offend all the rules of conversation, and when they really offend, they’re magnificent.” The moron, well, he gets his reasoning wrong, but he at least has a thesis.

The lunatics, though, while we bring up the Templars, we don’t concern ourselves at all with logic; we work by short circuits. But given the options, it’s really the best choice, especially when we have a point to make. We’re also fun at parties, no matter what anyone says.