We’re almost a week deep into a new year, which means there’s still time for us to resolve to be better, nicer, kinder, healthier, more productive human beings.
Some people, that is. Others choose to go down the path of self-improvement whenever the mood strikes them. Even Tyler Durden, who wasn’t exactly involved in self-improvement—at least not knowingly—didn’t wait for an arbitrary day to start his plans. He just started making explosives. Maybe don’t follow his example.
Still others of us choose not to really change anything at all because, hey, we’re pretty perfect as is. Or delusional, but that never stopped Tyler Durden and we shouldn’t let it stop us either. Wait, where was I going with this? Eh, I don’t remember and it probably doesn’t matter anyway.
In any case, it’s a new year, people are resolving to do or not do things, and life is good. Life is especially good if you’re into doomsday scenarios, the more wildly fanciful the better, because they were last year’s hottest gift, mostly based on the recommendations of Tyler Durden.
Personally, I’m not into doomsday predictions, except for the really complicated ones involving underground tunnels, molemen, lizard people, and fluoride. Plausible doomsday scenarios are just so boring and predictable and also as unlikely to be true as the Rube Goldbergs. In fact, I’m declaring them even more unlikely and when people come at with me with their concerns, this is how I resolve to respond.
Live, laugh, don't be fuckin ridiculous
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) October 26, 2016
Resolve to live unapologetically.
things I won't apologize for:
– being myself
– doing what's right for me
– having opinions
– pushing small children down escalators
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) January 4, 2017
Live boldly, with bold goals.
I'm like the dalai lama of revenge
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) January 5, 2017
Talk loudly and carry a big stick.
nothing is quite as eclipsing or mentally restorative as a well timed spur of the moment unrehearsed and off the cuff declarative rant.
— Soyourelikethat® (@soyourelikethat) January 5, 2017
I don’t really know what unit explosives are measured in.
Tell me the difference between vengeance and love.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) January 4, 2017
Nobody tell her about Q-Bert.
I had a dream snakes could jump like kangaroos and now I'm never sleeping again.
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) January 4, 2017
He’s not wrong though. Maybe his plans for 2017 are just that daring.
During circle time at pre-k one of my kids shared that the best part about having an identical twin is "spare parts." We got a phone call.
— Mme Mumsie (@MUMSIEesq) October 9, 2016
But what are your goals for this year? You can do better.
Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as "terrifying."
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 2, 2017
Make being a mythical sea creature great again!
"Screw it, I'm a mermaid now"
~ me, after accidentally putting both legs in the same side of my goddamn sweatpants
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) January 4, 2017
This is your year.
The hardest part of animal husbandry wasn't my family's disapproval but trying to tell if my penguin ring bearer was wearing his tuxedo.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 29, 2016
It’s 2017, maybe just roll with it.
Just because my dog talks to me doesn't mean I'm hallucinating. It's when he tells me to kill in the name of King Frog the 2nd that I worry.
— Meh Lang Syne (@TheAlexNevil) January 3, 2017
Don’t let ‘em get you down. I smell an exciting business opportunity.
"This bookstore's a dump, why do you like it?"
Me: Because they have a 'Fiction As Fuck' section.
"That's fiction A through F, moron."
— LIVsy (@liv_thatsme) January 5, 2017
I can relate.
Just bear with me, I have a lot of nothing to say
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) December 30, 2016
I might know a guy who can help with this.
Just once, I want to go to a funeral where the casket has a string with a tin can at the end of it.
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) December 30, 2016
My newest hobby is seeing how many random objects I can sneak into caskets at funerals.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) December 14, 2016
Can you really claim you lived if you haven’t cheated death at least a few times?
FFS, you said you liked a sporty girl. Come on, I'll drive you to the hospital.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) January 5, 2017
I mean, who among can’t say the same thing.
I have what you call 'crazy eyes' because I am, in fact, unstable.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) December 29, 2016
Some of us may have gotten a little crazy on New Year’s Eve. Gotta start somewhere.
They say "you are what you eat" but I don't remember eating five train wrecks.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 2, 2017
Maybe this is the year.
Sometimes I have deep thoughts and other times I wonder if Stevie Nicks has cleared her throat yet
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) May 17, 2016
But what if they use it for 18 months? Dare to dream.
The scariest person I've faced is a man I thought was gonna kidnap me at 8yo but this client who's been using caps for 6mo is a close second
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) January 5, 2017
This is sound advice.
Drive it like you rented it and got talked into the insurance.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) October 24, 2016
Innovate, man, innovate. There’s gotta be a way.
So my wife discovered I keep writing "please help me" in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I'm not allowed to have checks.
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) January 4, 2017
Another potentially lucrative business plan.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) April 23, 2016
Don’t forget to find joy in the little things.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 13, 2016
I think you know what you have to do.
Will I be rich and famous? *shakes a snow globe filled with ants* Hmm “cloudy ant swarm,” interesting
— vineyille (@vineyille) October 19, 2016
When satisfaction is demanded. Maybe sometime this year.
When does a southern gentleman offer to kill your whole family
— FRANKENFRECKLE (@gothicaseas) January 3, 2017
Five year plans tend to go that way.
My New Years resolutions are just my old list of resolutions with the year crossed out 5 times.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) December 31, 2016
You’re gonna have to be more specific about what. Are we talking a about a lizard people invasion or what?
Goodnight. Scream about me.
— Lizard Lou Who (@AmnesiaRose) January 4, 2017
You’re really breaking the first rule by talking about this.
I love the smell of play-doh. And gasoline too
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) January 4, 2017
I’ve got two fingers crossed that this is the year.
ANCIENT CURSE: May a chalice of mead overturn upon your sundial
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) January 4, 2017
So maybe I do have a resolution.
The think pieces will continue until morale improves
— Jess (@jessokfine) November 27, 2016
I feel this way about emergency alert text messages. Maybe this is the year I finally block them forever.
This world simply cannot grasp the depths of my opt out desires.
— DarkerWillow (@DarkerWillow) January 3, 2017
You can’t say 2017 without tipple. If you mumble and mispronounce 2017 just right.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
Ok a scotch "grande"
— Olive U (@offbeatoliv) December 22, 2016
This is exactly the wrong attitude.
[looking in mirror]
Say it with me. When I'm wrong, you're wrong.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) January 2, 2017
But what if they’re talking about the molemen tunnels? What then?
If I don't infuriate you by making nonstop sarcastic remarks & taking nothing seriously even when you're being sincere, this will never work
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 2, 2017
There’s no time like the present.
One of my biggest regrets is that I don't own more shirts with bad-ass tigers on them.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) December 31, 2016
Think outside the box and think inside the cylinder-ish thing.
PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family
EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch?
PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No
— REW (@therealeatwood) August 28, 2016
I say this every morning when I get up.
I've been resurrected, my monsters.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) December 30, 2016
It’s time to carpe that diem, make the world your oyster, spit out some other clichés.
Judge: I'd like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
— Turd Ferguson (@generaldietz) December 14, 2015
On the other hand, never let ‘em see you coming.
Don't assume that I'm unassuming.
— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) December 2, 2016
Because then you can do this.
If at first you don't succeed, find the Tome of the Forbidden One and ＤＲＯＷＮ ＹＯＵＲ ＥＮＥＭＩＥＳ ＩＮ ＴＨＥ ＡＳＴＲＡＬ ＦＬＡＭＥＳ ＯＦ ＴＨＥ ＤＡＲＫ ＣＯＳＭＯＳ
— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) January 2, 2017
Allow yourself to be captured. Assemble everything. Now you’re their leader.
IKEA doesn't hire people. If you're lost in there longer than three days, you work there now. The fabrikörs are right behind you.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 30, 2016
It’s all in how you play things from there, really.
Ladies, don't you hate it when you put too much lotion on & you feel sticky & then you black out & wake covered in blood in the forest?
— Lars Frumperstall (@underalls) May 29, 2016
I can’t wait.
"…in this brilliant remake of 'The Defiant Ones,' with subtle performances by Nathan Lane and Samuel L. Jackson."
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) December 13, 2016
We really are due for a return of subtlety.
The timeless elegance of a thinly veiled threat.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) December 27, 2016
Descend or ascend? It may be that type of year.
Descend into madness and I'll rise up to greet you.
— Definitely not me (@WhoToldYou2) December 29, 2016
I may have leaned in closer to you than I should have, but I don't see as well as I used to. Sniffing your neck was incidental.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) January 3, 2017
That’s the spirit!
It's cute how people tell me what to do when they know full well that I'm gonna do whatever I want anyway.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) December 27, 2016
This feels familiar.
ALRIGHT PAY ATTENTION wait I forgot what I was going to say
— Böb Bad Hombre Jänke (@Bob_Janke) January 5, 2017
And, thus, a new year begins again. With it the promise of all sorts of transmogrification. Loads and loads of transmogrification. First, though, I suggest we kick back and have a soupcon. It’s the proper way to get the year into full gear.
sit back, relax on my twisted throne of phantasm. ponder an age come and past. enjoy the stratospheric tea party.
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) November 18, 2016