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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 82

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We’re almost a week deep into a new year, which means there’s still time for us to resolve to be better, nicer, kinder, healthier, more productive human beings.

Some people, that is. Others choose to go down the path of self-improvement whenever the mood strikes them. Even Tyler Durden, who wasn’t exactly involved in self-improvement—at least not knowingly—didn’t wait for an arbitrary day to start his plans. He just started making explosives. Maybe don’t follow his example.

Still others of us choose not to really change anything at all because, hey, we’re pretty perfect as is. Or delusional, but that never stopped Tyler Durden and we shouldn’t let it stop us either. Wait, where was I going with this? Eh, I don’t remember and it probably doesn’t matter anyway.

In any case, it’s a new year, people are resolving to do or not do things, and life is good. Life is especially good if you’re into doomsday scenarios, the more wildly fanciful the better, because they were last year’s hottest gift, mostly based on the recommendations of Tyler Durden.

Personally, I’m not into doomsday predictions, except for the really complicated ones involving underground tunnels, molemen, lizard people, and fluoride. Plausible doomsday scenarios are just so boring and predictable and also as unlikely to be true as the Rube Goldbergs. In fact, I’m declaring them even more unlikely and when people come at with me with their concerns, this is how I resolve to respond.


Resolve to live unapologetically.


Live boldly, with bold goals.

Talk loudly and carry a big stick.


I don’t really know what unit explosives are measured in.


Nobody tell her about Q-Bert.


He’s not wrong though. Maybe his plans for 2017 are just that daring.


But what are your goals for this year? You can do better.

Make being a mythical sea creature great again!


This is your year.


It’s 2017, maybe just roll with it.


Don’t let ‘em get you down. I smell an exciting business opportunity.


I can relate.

I might know a guy who can help with this.


*cough*


Can you really claim you lived if you haven’t cheated death at least a few times?


I mean, who among can’t say the same thing.


Some of us may have gotten a little crazy on New Year’s Eve. Gotta start somewhere.


Maybe this is the year.


But what if they use it for 18 months? Dare to dream.


This is sound advice.


Innovate, man, innovate. There’s gotta be a way.


Another potentially lucrative business plan.


Don’t forget to find joy in the little things.

I think you know what you have to do.


When satisfaction is demanded. Maybe sometime this year.


Five year plans tend to go that way.


You’re gonna have to be more specific about what. Are we talking a about a lizard people invasion or what?


You’re really breaking the first rule by talking about this.


I’ve got two fingers crossed that this is the year.

So maybe I do have a resolution.


I feel this way about emergency alert text messages. Maybe this is the year I finally block them forever.


You can’t say 2017 without tipple. If you mumble and mispronounce 2017 just right.


This is exactly the wrong attitude.


But what if they’re talking about the molemen tunnels? What then?


There’s no time like the present.


Think outside the box and think inside the cylinder-ish thing.


I say this every morning when I get up.


It’s time to carpe that diem, make the world your oyster, spit out some other clichés.


On the other hand, never let ‘em see you coming.


Because then you can do this.

Allow yourself to be captured. Assemble everything. Now you’re their leader.


It’s all in how you play things from there, really.


I can’t wait.


We really are due for a return of subtlety.


Descend or ascend? It may be that type of year.

Polite even.


That’s the spirit!


This feels familiar.


And, thus, a new year begins again. With it the promise of all sorts of transmogrification. Loads and loads of transmogrification. First, though, I suggest we kick back and have a soupcon. It’s the proper way to get the year into full gear.