It’s been a long, crazy year, to put it mildly. It’s been the kind of year one might develop 21 new cocktails to soothe oneself while crying over everyone else’s hysteria. Or to laugh over while everyone else drinks and cries. Take your pick. Or alternate between the two And drink up. 2017 is almost here, and you’re going to need these—and probably 21 more by year’s end.
The Comey: Sloe gin, sour mix, orange juice (screw), and soda. Drip slooooowly into your glass.
The Compromised Server: Vodka. On ice.
The Hillary: It’s just a Manhattan, but with way more bitters.
The Interracial Marriage in 2016: Kahlua, vodka, milk. No wall, no judgment, just love.
The Trump: A sparkling can that says “America”—holding a golden-tinged Budweiser beer.
The Bernie: Aged, unfiltered vodka. Pickle back chaser.
The Bernie Twist: A Dr. Brown’s soda.
The Paul Ryan: Bourbon, tumbled, on the rocks, and served in a cut glass.
The True Progressive: Red wine, bourbon, splash of syrup. Served with a parachute instead of an umbrella.
The White Pantsuit: Someone else’s cosmopolitan. Not nearly enough vodka.
The Electoral College: Any cocktail you want, but mixed and served in its tumbler—so it’s not completely displaced by the ice.
The Free Market Candidate: An empty glass (the cocktail got knocked out in 2015).
The Partisan: Tequila, lime, and salt, all served separately. Must combine to come up with anything decent.
The Legacy Negroni: Gin, Campari, vermouth, forced through a tumbler. Consumed, not savored, and unceremoniously replaced with the next round.
The Suffragette: A beautiful bottle of wine that’s been aging for 100 years. Very nearly prematurely cracked for the wrong occasion.
The Wall: A margarita, in a tall glass. Tequila served separately. Charge it to the table to your left.
The Debbie Wasserman Schultz: You order a bourbon, but the bartender will only serve you Smirnoff Ice.
The Jeb(!): Sloe gin, low-sugar sour mix, and soda. Please drink.
The Ted Cruz: Watermelon pucker, raspberry pucker, apple pucker. And sprite. Force a smile while you drink it.
The Ben Carson: Plain, real-sugar Coke. Served with a pinstripe straw. And shared with Jesus.
The Rand Paul: This one’s actually not a cocktail—and was just legalized in five more states!