Emergency Message To All College Students Regarding Electoral Assault

Emergency Message To All College Students Regarding Electoral Assault

President Fleeb wanted to personally express his sympathies to everyone harmed by the election results. He has heard from many of you about the pain and suffering you endured while watching television or perhaps checking social media. A number of people reported physical signs of trauma: sick to their stomachs, shaking, and numb. Many were crying and holding one another. Some were valiantly attempting to find rays of sunlight in a dark moment for them.

President Fleeb, faculty, and staff want all students to know this: The university takes electoral assault very, very seriously. Many of you suffered first- and second-degree election results last week. This is not your fault. Electoral assault can happen to anyone regardless of race, gender, creed, religion, orientation, weight, height, or girth.

The university board has decided not to cancel the semester, but they fully appreciate the gravity of the situation as evidenced by the 500-signature petition. However, tomorrow’s History of LGBTQ+ in Stop-Motion Animation exam has been postponed until further notice. In addition, students are excused from doing football players’ homework for the next week. All other classes, tests, and assignments will proceed as scheduled.

With all this in mind, the university has decided to offer events to help students affected by the presidential election. Events will be available throughout the day. We look forward to hearing your voices, harnessing our collective energy and strength, and working together to help all the members of our community—and our country—promote a greater understanding.

Student Relaxation Station (Asexual Resource Center)

Student Wellness is hosting a “relaxation station” program today from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Come hang out and enjoy some light refreshments. There will be relaxing music, coloring, Play-Doh, puzzles, and more!

Electoral Collage (Plumbus Art Studio)

Put this election behind you by putting your favorite voting selfies together on a safe, gluten-free canvas.

SuffRage (Auditorium)

Students angry about last night’s result can release that anger in the auditorium. There you will be given your own glass ceiling to break. (Women only)

What Is Electoral Assault? (Schlami Hall)

The Office of Intercultural Leadership and the Center for African Diaspora Student Success want to open a dialogue with students to better understand the effects of electoral assault and how to prevent it in the future.

Running Mate (Art Briles Consent Studies Building)

Health Services will provide free birth control to all students who need to process this election in a more lubricious manner. There is also a post-election self-care session from 12 to 4 p.m.

Emergency Counseling (Grumbo Bridge)

Students in dire need of counseling following electoral assault are encouraged to meet at and jump off the Grumbo Bridge.

Brian Willett is a Federalist senior contributor and the publisher of fwd, a daily tech newsletter. He tweets sporadically @brianjwillett
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