Everybody is wondering how this Donald Trump thing is going to play out. A TV producer told me Trump will get a talk show where he can continue his homage to Howard Beale in the movie “Network.” I’ve also heard an even farther-fetched idea that he’ll be president, but gimme a break. Next you’re gonna tell me the Democrats are nominating someone who committed 15 criminal violations with her email server.
I, for one, am hoping this ends with Donald J. Trump buying the New York Yankees. Just to be clear, I am a Yankees fan. Don’t judge me because your baseball team is like your religion: 99 percent of the time, your parents pick it for you.
Trump is the perfect fit for Yankees fans. For starters, nothing he says could ever be as offensive as the beer prices we’re already paying. Sure, we’d have to make room in Monument Park for all the statues he’d build of himself, but it would be a small price to pay to get back the scorched-earth, win-at-all-costs mentality we’ve missed since George Steinbrenner checked in to that big owner’s box in the sky.
The Yankees Need a No-Nonsense Hand
Under Hal and Hank Steinbrenner, the New York Yankees have played more like the Washington Generals. They’ve missed the playoffs two out of the last three years, and the only time they did get in was the one-game wild-card round, which is baseball’s version of a participation trophy.
In that span, the Steinbrenner boys have fired no one. Unless you count the girl who makes the gift baskets that Derek Jeter gives to his one-night stands. And to be fair, that only happened because he got engaged. Idiot.
George Steinbrenner would never have tolerated this type of futility, especially not after a year in which the crosstown Mets made the World Series. Managers would have been axed, executives would have been threatened with an ax, and at least one batboy would have had the tires slashed on his bicycle. Seriously.
Trump would be the same way, firing the entire staff, a la George, and live-tweeting the entire World Series, a la himself. When the offseason came, he’d sign every big-name free agent on the planet to keep the Yankees in the headlines.
Owning the Yankees Means Perpetual Publicity
This brings me to the reason the Yankees are also perfect for him: Owning the New York Yankees would give Trump a way to maintain his gargantuan media footprint, which not even the presidency can provide. Sure, he’s getting all the attention in the world now, but that ends if he loses.
If we’re being honest, it also goes away if he wins. Everybody tunes out the president at some point, and if you don’t believe me, ask the guy in there now. Thirty thousand people were showing up to Obama rallies during the ’08 campaign. Now, he’s lucky to get that many viewers when he gives a speech in the Oval Office. And most of them are only watching to see what color podium he picks out.
But, Jimmy, you might ask, why would the Yankees want an owner who alienates all of the Muslim baseball players? That’s a great point, assuming there were any. In the history of Major League Baseball, there has been one Muslim player, a dude by the name of Sam Khalifa, who played for the Pittsburgh Pirates from 1985 to 1987. No, he was not related to Wiz Khalifa, but rumor has it that right before he left he shared his herbal remedies with some scrawny rookie named Barry Bonds.
The More Yankee Hate, the More Press
The Mexican issue might be a little dicier, because Mexicans are some of the best pitchers in baseball. (The rest, I assume, are good people.) My gut call is that studs like Yovani Gallardo and Joakim Soria might be mad, but there’s no way a bottom-feeding agent like Scott Boras would let them take it out on the cash register.
In the event that I’m wrong, Trump can always take solace in the fact that no Mexican player has ever made the baseball Hall of Fame. Don’t tell the college kids, they’ll start a protest. The closest Mexico has come is Dodgers great Fernando Valenzuela, but alas, he only made it to the Arby’s Hall of Fame.
I’m not sure how black players feel about Trump, but he does have support in the black community. Just last week, a black pastor in Harlem gave Trump a vote of confidence. Or, as Donald calls it, three-fifths of a vote of confidence. (You can get offended, but that’s a well-written joke.)
I don’t actually believe Trump is racist on any level. His comments make it easy to paint him as such, but he’s only making them because they’re working. Trump is a win-at-all-costs guy, and while the thought of having one in the White House is too scary for most people, if he bought the Yankees it would be a win for everyone.
Yankee-hating is a full-time job in this country. Can you imagine how much heat he’d bring to that industry? Any Yankee fan who tells you he wouldn’t want Trump in charge is a bigger fraud than Rachel Dolezal. Yankees fans worshipped George Steinbrenner, and all he did was plead guilty to making illegal campaign contributions and get banned from baseball for paying a racketeer to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield’s charity. Along the way, he got famous for cursing out low-level employees, and he fired so many elevator guys that he may have inspired the catchphrase for “The Apprentice.”
Believe Me, Donald Trump, You Want This
That brings me to the Trump man. Donald, it’s Jimmy Failla. We’ve never met because you only do the big shows on Fox News. But if you ever fall asleep with the TV on, you may see me on “Red Eye” when you wake up to pee in the middle of the night. At your age, I’m guessing that happens a lot.
I think you’re a brilliant provocateur and super-smart man. That’s why I’m telling you to buy the New York Yankees. You’ll have all the attention in the world, and no matter how many inflammatory comments you make, we’ll still put up with you if you win. The only catch is that you’re gonna have to start wearing a nicer hat.
And while we’re on the subject of reality TV stars, I’d be wrong if I ended this column without congratulating Kim and Kanye on their new baby boy. They named the kid Saint, and he’s already performed his first miracle: his sister no longer has the dumbest name in the world.