When I was a kid, I was playing with my neighbor’s dog, Rocket. Maybe his name was Jet. In any case, he disturbed a bumblebee hive. Bumblebees, you see, sometimes nest underground. The dog smashed, the swarm swarmed, and I got stung very many times. It was not pleasant.
From there, my memory gets a little hazy, but I think I started asphyxiating. In any case, my parents followed the advice of whatever the vet said to do for Rocket or Jet and I survived. The experience did leave me a tad frightened of bees, but they serve a purpose—unlike geese or Caillou—so I’m generally pro-bee. Just from a distance and I definitely wouldn’t go this far.
[at the bee store]
Clerk: good afternoon
Me [pouring gasoline everywhere]: don't mind me, pal— David Hughes (@david8hughes) October 22, 2015
Don’t accept imitators.
"Hi, welcome to Captain B's"
-Um, u mean "D's"?
[puts beekeeper hood on] "Sure"
-Ok, I'll have…
[to cook] "This guy wants the bees, Todd"— HAUNTigula (@huntigula) October 23, 2015
His client is going to jail.
ME, HOLDING A BAG OF BEES: your honor, i submit exhibit E
JUDGE: another bag o-
ME: another bag of bees ya— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 23, 2015
Make sure it doesn’t step on any beehives.
[lone wolf howling in the distance]
I gotta go guys, that's my ride— jerm grimselfish (@JermHimselfish) October 29, 2015
Hey, Halloween is coming. Let’s have a trick or tweet section!
*there's a knock at Tony Hawk's door*
"TRICK OR TREAT"
*Tony's eyes light up*
"a trick eh?"
"sir we just want candy"
"TO THE HALF PIPE"— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 31, 2013
This is pretty much what Halloween has become.
Being a slutty watermelon for Halloween is going to be a challenge, but I'm dedicated.— heather booooo* (@heatherlou_) October 27, 2015
Vegans.
Vegan: for Halloween im going to be-
Me: let me guess, a vegan?
Vegan: a slutty vegan— ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ (@LaziestCanine) October 28, 2015
Michael Myer’s best man.
[best mans speech]
Dave has a wild past.
[guests chuckle]
Wanna hear about the time he killed a guy and buried the body in the woods?— d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) October 29, 2015
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.
If a pregnant friend tells you what the kid's name will be just whisper "AND THE DARK LORD'S PROPHECY WILL BE FULFILLED." They love that.— Tim (@Playing_Dad) October 29, 2015
Every couple has their rituals.
It's like my Grandpa used to say ,"The fight with grandma isn't over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth."— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪᗩᗪ (@jergarl) October 24, 2015
Lemme know what the answer to this one is?
Considering a career change and joining the Illuminati, so do I just fill out an application, or murder someone or what?— HappyNerd (@Happynerd73) October 27, 2015
I’d hire her.
3 howling wolves on my resume because I want to appear whimsical but serious about my career.— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) October 23, 2015
I’d hire him, too.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I'll give u a sweet nickname
B: That's absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard— HAUNTigula (@huntigula) October 28, 2015
It’s important to make a good first impression.
INTERVIEWER: please stop calling me a coward
ME: hire me
INTERVIEWER: no.
ME: ur a coward.— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 21, 2015
They are pretty gross, tbh.
[viewing house for sale]
Me: did the previous owners have kids?
Realtor: yes but that's a cat flap
Me [recoiling]: cats have been in here?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) October 24, 2015
This is true.
Cats are just fuzzy houseplants that hate you.— Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) January 15, 2015
I’ve always hated that quote.
If you can't handle me at my worst, I applaud your reasoning skills. No rational person would tolerate that mess.— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) October 25, 2015
*The puppet nods and slowly backs out of the room*
"It's the people who claim to be perfectly sane that you should really watch out for," I say to my raccoon hand puppet.— Nerdine Bee (@brennadine) July 2, 2015
What could go wrong?
It's her unbridled rage and penchant for violence that excites me the most.— Creed (@novicefather) October 28, 2015
It’s not like they can prove you’re not being honest here.
"I've seen a million faces.
And I've rocked them all."
-Me, at Career Day at my kid's school— Suki Kicklighter (@skickwriter) October 27, 2015
Semantics.
"caramelized" is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 24, 2015
That’s sort of unfair to the yak.
Heard what I thought was Dave Matthews music outside, but no. Just another yak trapped under ice, struggling for life.— SoulBrodeler (@SoulYodeler) May 6, 2015
As of writing, I’m 14,549 days old.
Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?"
Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?"
Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."— Vampire Mat (@MatCro) July 9, 2015
I thought knowing was half the battle.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn't understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.— Now Watch Me Meh Meh (@TheAlexNevil) July 15, 2014
Better than “Come Sail Away.” Also, I guess “South Park” got this wrong.
[on a boat to hell]
me: why is this called the river of Styx?
*mr. roboto starts to play louder*
me: dear god
death: eh, it grows on you— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) October 26, 2015
This is a worse idea than the time I broke up with a girl at the start of a four-hour car ride.
"you're breaking up with me, here? and now?!"
"it's just not working out"
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*— an actual ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) May 1, 2015
Strength in numbers.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army— Sir Finley Slutcat (@SharkJelly) October 1, 2015
He’s inside a hyper-minimalist building.
[in nature]
WATS THE WIFI PASWORD OUT HERE
[birds chirp]
[wind rustles the leaves]
[sunlight glimers off the lake]
…
IS THAT ALL ONE WORD— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 25, 2015
I don’t see what’s wrong with that name.
TONY HAWK: How abou–
WIFE: We're not naming the baby Ollie
TH: But–
W: No! It's my turn to pick!
[Crying]
W: Great…now you've woken Kickflip— Maaarrrghty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) October 27, 2015
I’m not going to pretend I’m not considering this.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Next time listen when I tell you "No"— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 26, 2015
“Cops: Colorado.”
No officer those aren't coloring books covered in Dorito dust I am an art major, now please this is important SOMEONE STOLE MY BONG— The Sweatpants Ninja (@NinjaSweatpants) October 25, 2015
Even better than man bites dog.
If you're about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won't help you survive but it'll make an interesting headline.— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) October 25, 2015
“We’re the Dark Side, dammit!”
[Darth Vader storming through the Death Star turning off lights, mumbling about we ain't lighting the universe]— Eldge (@Sickayduh) August 28, 2015
Maybe they identify as dolphins.
[narrating Blue Planet]
Me: these female dolphins must find-
Attenborough: those are wet greyhounds
Me: the fuck is your problem?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) October 22, 2015
Most new religions fail, but this one has a legit shot.
*starts new world religion called, "pants optional"— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) October 24, 2015
Dads, lol.
Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"
Mom: *staring at dad
Dad: …*clenches fists
Mom: …don't!
Dad: *sweats profusely
Mom:
Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD— Guy Dangerous (@Lerky) October 24, 2015
The bad old days.
i miss the days where if you wanted to stalk your ex on social media you had to intercept one of their ravens— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 23, 2015
Passenger pigeon!
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
"I have a suitor."— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) October 19, 2015
The guy who invented it went on to start bottling water. Freaking genius.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
- Tupperware— Prof Hinkley (@Prof_Hinkley) March 24, 2015
Learn to stop worrying about politics.
My fear and loathing transcend locality.— batkaren (@batkaren) October 21, 2015
I can get behind philosophical points like this. It’s brilliant.
if you had seen only land turtles and then someone told you about sea turtles you would be like, "dont be ridiculous”— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) October 29, 2015
Well, that wraps it up for another week. Also, I’ve realized I spend more time aggregating these than I do on anything else I publish on this site. Like, I’m not even going to admit how much effort this takes. But it does keep me sane…ish and that’s not nothing.
I'm in a long distance relationship with my sanity.— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) October 28, 2015
