There exists in this world a condiment below all others. It has all of the flavor of sawdust and the sublime texture of soap scum. Until recently, I was unaware that The Federalist, lovers of freedom, etc., was complicit in its spread. I rise today to defend America—nay, the world—against such scurrilous anti-food propaganda.
As all Americans, especially Texans, know, mayonnaise is a tool of oppression used by communists and bland-food lovers everywhere. It is a form of mind control designed to cow you into a sense of complacency about life. Food has flavor, and mayo covers that flavor up. It destroys your ability to taste.
What do you do to a food if it is too intense, and you’re not Texan? You add mayonnaise. In much the same way that salt is used to flavor food, mayonnaise is used to bland it. It is flavor’s anti-particle: it annihilates on contact.
Hello, People: The French Invented Mayonnaise
If you read the Internets (all of the Internets, not just the AOL one), you may find an amusing yarn regarding the discovery of this edible spackling. I’ll spare you the eye gouging: it’s French. The French eat snails, perfected surrendering, and speak French. They’re also good at lying.
If you keep reading the selfsame Internets, you may find that the ingredients list is relatively sparse: egg yolk and oil, perhaps spices. Why are these French so quiet about the other ingredients? The list inevitably always leaves off the cat entrails and incantations to Marduk the sun god. You just go ahead and try making it without Mr. Pebbles’ intestines or ululating “flarn flarn zarrchligh narsool,” and let’s just see how well those lichens emulsify.
You know who likes mayonnaise besides the French and the Soviets? Hillary Clinton and rabid wolverines. I do not intend to demean wolverines or Soviets, but in this case, it’s unequivocally true. Why any American or wolverine would choose to be aligned with mayonnaise and Hillary Clinton is beyond me. Yet it happens.
Other Things the Internet Proves about Mayonnaise
Did you know that an 18-wheeler driveshaft placed in a vat of mayonnaise will kill you? It’s Science, and you simply cannot argue with Science (side note: Science has never been wrong). An important question to ask all mayo lovers is, “Why are you so in favor of dying?” They should be called out for their horrible views and shamed. SHAMED. After all, if death is so good, why isn’t everyone doing it? Inquiring minds want to know (ahem, Mr. Tracinski).
I understand the pull. (Not personally—I was raised right.) One day, you’re at the lunch counter and some suave octogenarian in his kickin’ orthotics and Mrs. Marple lunchbox nods toward the Elmer’s glue substitute to go with the cucumber sandwiches you’ve stacked high on your Corelle-ware. Thinking it’s all parachute pants and unicorn giggles, you dive right in. Hundreds of ersatz-condiment experiments later, the siren’s promise of a better life leads to the chains of soft living and food safety. You just cannot get enough blandness in your life to sate the desire for comfort.
Yet there is hope. Sauces innumerable exist. In contrast to the water flavoring that far too much of the world craves, virtually all of the other condiments actually contain flavor. Why not consider mustard? Or even toothpaste! Toothpaste at least has some flavor. Mayonnaise simply robs you of the joy otherwise present in the food. What was made cannot be unmade, but it can be left behind.
Choose the better route. Be an example to your kids, a leader in your community. Be the future you need. The future America deserves. Forego mayonnaise.