After staying up late watching “Food Fighters,” my older two kids demanded a quick story. I had to oblige them, but I also wanted them to get the point that they best not get out of bed. Since cooking was on my mind, I chose to use that as my theme. Now, I share this story with you—for free!—so you might use it in your own homes.
“Once upon a time, there was a giant monster who loved to cook. His favorite ingredient was little girls and he had all sorts of recipes for them. His favorite thing to do was steal them from their homes and then enter monster cooking competitions using his recipes for little girls. He came to our house and was going to steal and cook you two, but fortunately you were asleep and he had to settle on a pine tree salad, which everyone thought was horrible. The end. Don’t get up unless you want the monster to get you.” It worked like a charm.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 5, 2015
Geese are a different story.
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) September 2, 2015
You have to start young.
— Evil Dad (@evildadatron) August 13, 2015
This requires a lot of guessing when you’re choosing names.
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) October 28, 2013
Coming soon to SyFy.
— ㅤㅤㅤ (@matt___nelson) July 22, 2015
To be followed by this.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) September 9, 2015
And finally this.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) September 8, 2015
He’s just being honest.
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) September 7, 2015
Self-harassment will become a thing.
pic.twitter.com/Y4Jqz74Mww— claudia martin (@cloudypianos) September 9, 2015
He named him Stampy.
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) September 8, 2015
A state has to have priorities.
— Gwen (@msgwenl) September 6, 2015
A different sort of bear.
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) September 6, 2015
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) September 5, 2015
This would be rough.
— professional crapper (@ruinedpicnic) April 6, 2015
“Answer the question, Brett.”
— bad (@_making_friends) August 31, 2015
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) April 2, 2015
— lord of the internet (@JermHimselfish) July 11, 2015
Trust your gut.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2015
Never understood why the kids went home to such a weak father either.
— Felix Felicis (@LuckoftheDraw86) June 4, 2015
We’ve all been there.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) September 9, 2015
How did she see him?
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 20, 2015
Father of the year!
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) September 4, 2015
Running wildly isn’t awesome.
— ⒻⓇⓄ ⓋⓄ (@fro_vo) September 8, 2015
Probably some all-natural DEET-free nonsense.
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) September 10, 2015
If you’re lucky. Bad dogs just sit there.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 17, 2015
At least they’re not cats.
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) September 20, 2014
Order in the court.
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) August 21, 2015
“Thank you for coming to my impromptu slam.”
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) September 6, 2015
They’re so loud though.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) September 10, 2015
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) September 9, 2015
Sonny Bunch has many side accounts.
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) September 8, 2014
He’s just trying to be friendly.
— Lamo Joe (@1Bad_Scientist) September 10, 2015
She could probably still write or sigh or something.
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) November 21, 2014
What type of flooring my kids will soon ask for.
— Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) September 10, 2015
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) September 8, 2015
The robot revolution isn’t all bad.
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) February 23, 2015
Tune in next week for more tweets and maybe more stories about how I’m working to terrify my children into never sleeping again. Which means they’ll have more time to destroy the house. Just kidding. If you raise them on a diet of inappropriate and theoretically frightening movies, like “Jurassic Park” and “Godzilla,” you really can’t scare them. Which somewhat renders your daughter-eating monster threats moot. I may need to rethink this.
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) March 3, 2015