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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 17

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After staying up late watching “Food Fighters,” my older two kids demanded a quick story. I had to oblige them, but I also wanted them to get the point that they best not get out of bed. Since cooking was on my mind, I chose to use that as my theme. Now, I share this story with you—for free!—so you might use it in your own homes.

“Once upon a time, there was a giant monster who loved to cook. His favorite ingredient was little girls and he had all sorts of recipes for them. His favorite thing to do was steal them from their homes and then enter monster cooking competitions using his recipes for little girls. He came to our house and was going to steal and cook you two, but fortunately you were asleep and he had to settle on a pine tree salad, which everyone thought was horrible. The end. Don’t get up unless you want the monster to get you.” It worked like a charm.

Geese are a different story.

You have to start young.

This requires a lot of guessing when you’re choosing names.

Coming soon to SyFy.

To be followed by this.

And finally this.

He’s just being honest.

Self-harassment will become a thing.

He named him Stampy.

A state has to have priorities.

A different sort of bear.

Yes?

This would be rough.

“Answer the question, Brett.”

Skrillex-Men: Origins.

Trump-man: Origins.

Trust your gut.

Never understood why the kids went home to such a weak father either.

We’ve all been there.

How did she see him?

Father of the year!

Running wildly isn’t awesome.

Probably some all-natural DEET-free nonsense.

If you’re lucky. Bad dogs just sit there.

At least they’re not cats.

Order in the court.

“Thank you for coming to my impromptu slam.”

They’re so loud though.

Priorities.

Sonny Bunch has many side accounts.

He’s just trying to be friendly.

She could probably still write or sigh or something.

What type of flooring my kids will soon ask for.

Good question.

The robot revolution isn’t all bad.

Tune in next week for more tweets and maybe more stories about how I’m working to terrify my children into never sleeping again. Which means they’ll have more time to destroy the house. Just kidding. If you raise them on a diet of inappropriate and theoretically frightening movies, like “Jurassic Park” and “Godzilla,” you really can’t scare them. Which somewhat renders your daughter-eating monster threats moot. I may need to rethink this.