Ahh, the glory of the baker’s dozen. Whereas you were expecting a mere 12 carb-laden treats, you instead find yourself with 13. The practice wasn’t borne of generosity, though, but of a desire to get around King Henry III. Henry, while good at stymying revolt when it came to the barons, was not so good at stymying a revolt against market incentives. And for that, we thank him. For while no one will openly state they intend to eat that 13th donut, it will nonetheless quickly vanish from the breakroom. Pax intrantibus, salus exeuntibus.
Or what they ate for lunch, unless it was a donut.
Thanks to Instagram, I will never again wonder which of my friends can do a handstand.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) August 5, 2015
It used to be a bakery, then it was a consulting firm, and now it’s just empty.
The Fantastic Four is the superhero equivalent of that building on a seemingly busy corner that can never house a sustainable business
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 8, 2015
I hate when I bring a girl home and all she can talk about is the dolls. Why do you own so many dolls, what are they for, etc.
— Will Rahn (@willrahn) August 9, 2015
Why STEM guys are always the biggest players on a college campus. Also, very few dolls.
Men always say women are complicated, but we aren’t if you use a thermodynamic formula quantifying the free energy change of each reaction.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) August 6, 2015
Also the floor.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 8, 2015
Sometimes it’s hard to find a sitter.
This prostitute’s looking at me like she’s never been solicited to babysit before.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) August 6, 2015
Federalism is dead.
You show up at city council one time, ONE TIME, declaring a bloody coup and you’re banned from all future meetings? This is bullshit.
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) August 13, 2015
I ran out of toothpaste so I had a mojito.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) August 7, 2015
He would say it was great, but…
[a headless praying mantis walks back to his friends after playing 7 minutes in heaven] damn dude how was it
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 12, 2015
“I just woke up like this.”
*posts sultry picture on IG …puts hair back in bun and continues yelling at her children
— K∀RL∀ IN∨T (@karlainvt) July 30, 2015
Instagram in a nutshell.
[scrolling through instagram] why do i follow this guy why do i follow this guy why do i follow this guy whoa boobs why do i follow this guy
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) August 7, 2015
It’s all in the delivery.
It’s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
— J (@J_Illunninati) December 28, 2013
Also a marathon runner and atheist.
[wedding vows] Anyone with anything to say to our couple, speak now or forever hold your peace [running to pulpit out of breath] I’m vegan
— Terry F (@daemonic3) August 12, 2015
Soon Billy and I will fully cross over.
“Don’t want to slow road trip down by having to wash dishes. Get paper plates” *knocks over 600 count box of utensils*
— F. Bill McMorris (@FBillMcMorris) August 12, 2015
John “Sherlock” Holmes.
INTERVIEWER: Under strengths you have observant. ME: Yes. I: Your penis is hanging out of your fly. ME: I see you have the same strength.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) August 10, 2015
Mom: How was swimming? Me: [frustrated for some reason] IT WAS WET
— Vegan Zebra (@VeganZebra) August 3, 2015
I’m noticing she gets kicked out of lots of places, though she’s not wrong.
All I said was, “I find your cat humor FB account derivative, Cathy” and I was asked to never come back to Wednesday Scrapbooking.
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) August 12, 2015
All right, all right, all right.
Mrs. McConaughey your son was not admitted to Harvard “Did he at least spell his name correctly?” [long silence] we have no idea
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) August 12, 2015
As long as you live, stop complaining.
[holding a jellyfish] ARE PARACHUTES SUPPOSED TO HURT THIS BAD
— YUNG SPIDER GOD (@buttgh0st) February 8, 2015
[laser tag] Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 9, 2015
Really, be prepared.
“Look! Your dog already loves me!” I enthusiastically say to the hot guy whilst slowly adjusting the bacon in my pocket.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) August 12, 2015
He went out on his own terms.
Guy Fieri slathers BBQ sauce on a bullet. He loads it, and puts the gun in his mouth. “One last trip,” he whispers, “to Flavortown.”
— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) August 8, 2015
As long as we’re being dark.
But can your new girlfriend do this? [ passes out in dumpster ]
— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) August 1, 2015
Chicks dig meat.
He lost me at “I’m a vegetarian.”
— Sweet with a Kick (@Dash_of_Crazy) August 11, 2015
Geese are the worst animals on the planet.
Things you don’t want during a run – geese – food smell – Geese! – low hanging branches – creepy follOMFingGOD THESE GEESE ARE HISSING AT ME
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) August 6, 2015
I’m afraid this is happening to me.
“911, what’s your emerg-” “The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell” “Sir uteri is not plural for ute-” “TAMPI EVERYWHERE”
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) January 3, 2014
Why is it 9 minutes instead of 10?
The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) October 28, 2013
Billy and I are also bringing Joy along.
If you stacked every tweet about Trump’s 2016 candidacy one atop the other you would reach nowhere because tweets have no corporeal form.
— Jeff B@AoSHQDD (@EsotericCD) August 10, 2015
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line -Japanese spelling bee
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) April 29, 2014
[spelling bee] Your word is ‘condescending’ “Can you use it in a sentence?” Of course I can. Can YOU?
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 7, 2015
Really, it’s not?
Mumford and Sons isn’t a TV series ?
— ChiMuzungu (@BwanaChris) June 1, 2014
Coworker: What are you working on? Me: Answering your mundane question so you can appear to be busy. CW… Me: Get the fuck away from me.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) August 6, 2015
Any foodies out there looking for great Mexican food at a decent price try Taco Bell, if I’m pronouncing that right.
— Juice (@Juicedballs) August 9, 2014
The struggle is real.
[Hoarding Buried Alive] Me: [sitting in room with hundreds of boomerangs] I’ve tried throwing them away… it’s not as easy as you think
— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) July 16, 2015
This guy isn’t going to win any spelling bees.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
— ♡ Brian Essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) August 5, 2014
As Chesterton said, “Drink because you are happy.”
Do people who think Disney World is the happiest place on earth even know about liquor stores?
— EnvyDaTropic (@envydatropic) August 6, 2015
Probably best she doesn’t know.
Heard son in the bathroom frantically shouting “COME ON, PENIS! WORK WITH ME HERE!” I don’t know. I don’t WANT to know.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 7, 2015
3-year-old daughter: *punches pillow* *stomps feet* *slams door* Me: What’s wrong? 3-year-old: NOTHING! She’s already a woman.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 12, 2015
Chicks dig bikers.
Some chick left her panties on my Segway again.
— Creed (@novicefather) July 20, 2015
People say romance is dead.
I wrote a love letter today. It took 10 magazines to find all the letters, but it was a masterpiece.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) August 9, 2015
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
— Wade (@TheWadest) April 9, 2014
That’s it, my people. You can continue to use twitter for news or ideas, but slowly I will assimilate you all into the borg that is Weird Twitter. Come on in, the water’s fine.
Sometimes I feel frustrated because life doesn’t make any sense. That’s when I remember Weird Twitter.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) August 12, 2015