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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 10

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Once, there was a man and he had a wife and three daughters. Once that wife and those daughters went on vacation. That man made many plans for all the things he was going to do with his free time. Then he promptly wadded them up and didn’t accomplish anything, because that’s what bachelor time is for.

Well, that’s not exactly true. I did work on my plans for destroying the world. SMOD ain’t got nothing on me.

He really didn’t put much effort into it.


It’s all about where the heart is.


The person who conducted this study had a rough job.


Another way to end things.


Kids are so disrespectful.


Meteorologists don’t, either.


Babies are less useful.


“Drink Bartles and James.”


Should’ve punched it.


That’s discrimination.


Very meaningful.


Pretty much.


Maybe they are.


Nah, just let them sort it out.


Lois was never good at reading faces.


Put me down for that time slot.


Wasn’t there a Denzel Washington movie about this?


Now we get to the parts where there might be blue language.


And discussions of sex.


Problematic.


Coming soon—Rich’s Soccer Suds and Shots.


Those fines wouldn’t be enough to pay off the national debt, for sure.


Their whites are white.


My toddler used to act this way.


When playing mood music, the instrument is important.


Part two.


Correct.


Bad blood.


How to get out of a ticket.


Conversely.


Fifty-one Shades of Gray.


Craigslist: You probably won’t get murdered.


How to make an entrance.


What’s bofa?


Women.


I mean, really.


No eye contact.


Sharing is caring.


That’s it for this week. I’ll continue mining the depths for you, my people, because I am a man of love and compassion and want nothing but to bring you the best that life has to offer. Look for me soon in a town near you.