By the time you read this, I’ll have attended an event. The dress code is cryptic, almost indecipherable. As a dad, I think I’m supposed to assume cargo shorts and some sort of flip flops, but that’s not how I roll. I prefer a more classic approach. Maybe a kimono and a sword. That says “summer chic,” right?
Spice up any event by making the dress code as dark and impenetrable as the night. – Sun Tzu, "The Art of Event Planning"
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) July 9, 2015
It’s all in the details.
I look well dressed, but then you notice that my pocket square is actually a quesadilla, and I'm the best dressed man you've ever seen.
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) July 3, 2015
Don’t forget to be well-coiffed, either.
is ur refridgerator running?
[i look in my kitchen. donold trump is standig in the corner blowimg on a bag of frozen peas]
unfortunatly yea
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2015
Some of us take socks very seriously.
On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they'll want me to remove my socks?*. I don't know what he thinks is about to happen.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) January 23, 2014
Greece is the word.
No worries son. Last year I sunk your inheritance into Greek bank deposits. One moment; I'll use this app to give you the balance. Oh no. No
— SoulBrodeler (@SoulYodeler) July 4, 2015
How to be sensitive.
The best way to console a crying woman is to hold her hand, tell her it'll be alright, and gently wipe the tears from her eyes with a cat.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) July 3, 2015
How to science.
It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
— Kat Meringue (@Izianikapani) February 11, 2015
Needs baggier pants.
Kids, I'm calling this new thermostat 'MC Hammer'
"Why, dad?"
Because U Can't Touch This pic.twitter.com/HLsF51vnjl
— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 30, 2015
Speaking of kids.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 6, 2015
Tiger dad.
[parent/teacher meeting]
"you must've read to him as a baby"
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn't even know him when I was a baby
— brent (@murrman5) January 1, 2015
I’ve long wondered about this. Disney is pretty creepy when you get down to it.
How come when Disney characters kiss a beautiful sleeping woman it's considered "heroic", but when I do it, it's just "rapey"?
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) March 4, 2013
Home improvements.
5-year-old: Why do we have a table in the dining room?
Me: What else would we put there?
5: A trampoline.
Me:
5:
Me: Get my credit card
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2015
Prepare your children for the real world.
12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Me: What's wrong with the one we live in?
12yo: WHAT?!
Me: Goodnight, son.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) September 29, 2014
“Whimsy? Not in this house.”
Son, racism is over. You can be anything when you grow up.
I wanna be in a Wes Anderson movie!
Go to your room & write sexist rap lyrics!
— Brian (@Black__Elvis) June 26, 2015
Speaking of Wes Anderson.
Dentist: ok open up
"Well I guess it all started when my dad left…"
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) June 4, 2015
Love, and do what you like.
I stank in Thine eyes; pleasing myself, and desirous to please in the eyes of men.
I DECLARE I am special and extraordinary.
— St. AugOsteen (@StAugOsteen) July 8, 2015
The specter of the colonel looming, watching.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil pic.twitter.com/FMMPvK4LGZ
— Wigmore Hall (@wigmore_hall) July 8, 2015
She just needed a selfie stick.
I bet Mona Lisa would've looked really hot if da Vinci would have painted her from a higher angle.
— Sarcasticsapien (@Sarcasticsapien) July 7, 2015
Like da Vinci.
Majoring in Art History, huh? That's great. You'll easily get a job at the art factory w/ that. Hell, you might even be CEO of art someday!
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) July 6, 2015
Why can’t I find anything?
I've never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) July 3, 2015
The silverware rearranging comes later.
Nothing too fancy, just a simple wedding in which I and my groom are at some points replaced by our exact clones but no one is sure when.
— Pants (@onedumbshark) July 9, 2015
How hashtags hurt.
After grandpa's unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) March 23, 2015
Especially if they’re being quiet. Nothing good happens when they’re quiet.
Randomly yell out, "Be careful!"
Parenting is easy!
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 3, 2015
That time Dora went really dark.
Dora: what was your favourite part?
Me: [a dozen ravens fly from my mouth] ….ThE BLoOD SAcRIFICE…
Dora: that was mine too!
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) July 9, 2015
“It’s like there’s a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up.”
Getting a tuna sandwich from a gas station is a cool way of saying, "Don't have time to stop to eat, but there's always time for diarrhea."
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) July 6, 2015
Share a Coke.
KID: I'm starting to feel like I'll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) July 9, 2015
We’re going back…to the future.
[X-men try outs]
Prof X: What is ur power?
Love
Prof X: That's not really a-
THAT'S THE POWER OF LOVE
Prof X: DANGIT HUEY LEWIS GET OUT
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 9, 2015
‘80s movie songs were the best.
I̶'m̶ ̶q̶u̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶a̶f̶r̶a̶i̶d̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶g̶h̶o̶s̶t̶s̶
I̶'m̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶a̶f̶r̶a̶i̶d̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶g̶h̶o̶s̶t̶s̶
-Ghostbusters song 1st drafts
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) July 8, 2015
That’s how I’d reply.
[earth sends message to space] if your listening here are our galactic coordinates
[58 years later we receive a message]
*Y O U ' R E
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) July 9, 2015
Lois Lane was actually third on the list.
Superman: If it isn't my two greatest nemeses
*Lex Luthor charges with a tangled extension cord*
— F. Bill McMorris (@FBillMcMorris) July 6, 2015
I’m actually putting this together at a library. This lady in nonfiction looks suspicious. Send bail money.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) November 30, 2014
Thanks for tuning in for another exciting edition. If you have any questions about how my kimono and sword were received, please direct them to my attorney, and don’t forget to read the fine print.
No, the sword doesn't come engulfed in flames, it only does that when it's in my hands. I specifically stated that in the Craigslist ad.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) November 20, 2013