The year is 2015. After a weird pod is discovered online, we begin to notice more and more of our friends and family changing, getting weirder. But rather than question them, we go along. The weirdness is good, a welcome distraction from the sturm und drang of modernity. Slowly, we all become pod people, shrieking Donald Sutherland-style at those who resist, bringing more people into our fold.
*slams hands on table*
HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?— Goddamnit Jamie (@Jay_FrickinLynn) July 2, 2015
And he attended the strategy sessions.
*rises out of ball pit* thanks for agreeing to meet me here— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 14, 2014
When you embrace the hive mind, you’ll find support.
[ sits next to homeless person on park bench ]
"My life is a mess. Hold me."— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) August 9, 2015
But those who resist must be smoked out.
[undercover at a music festival]
hold on could you say that again into my single feathered dreadlock?— Pants (@onedumbshark) June 2, 2015
Told you our numbers were growing.
What did the ancient Jewish sect leader say to the other as he was leaving?
I'm Sadducee you go.— #Shoe2016 (@theshoebart) August 17, 2015
Even Heather is getting in on the act.
@theshoebart @rcromwell4 What did the janitor say as he jumped out of the closet?
"Supplies!"— Heather Wilhelm (@heatherwilhelm) August 17, 2015
And Matt.
@heatherwilhelm @theshoebart @rcromwell4 A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, just don't start anything."— Matt (@mdrache) August 17, 2015
And mat!
Heartwarming video of a deaf woman who hears Iggy Azalea rapping for the first time, asks to have cochlear implant removed.— mat! (@echo4h) August 17, 2015
Physics Geek too.
@mdrache @heatherwilhelm @theshoebart @rcromwell4 Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders martini.The bartender asks,“Olive or Twist?”— Physics Geek (@physicsgeek) August 17, 2015
Even Dan.
Canadian humor: passing off ham as "bacon".— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) August 15, 2015
Nino’s always been a little weird.
don't blame me for being unproductive at work today- blame whomever posted bloodsport in its entirety on youtube— Nino (@baldingschemer) August 20, 2015
etherbrian even more so.
"WHY DID YOU EAT MY CORGI?!"
"Paleo diet."
"Oh."— etherbrian (@etherbrian) August 17, 2015
Things aren’t all bad though.
Just watched two older men try a running chest bump at the park. One fell, the other was knocked out of his Crocs. What a time to be alive.— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) July 22, 2015
The wind beneath her wings, even.
The person behind me in line buying 3 bottles of wine & a Hershey bar is my hero.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 14, 2015
Too much wine and chocolate, not enough Corgi.
I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) August 15, 2013
Truth in advertising.
INVENTOR OF BAGELS: ive got an idea that is significantly worse than donuts— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 14, 2015
Sounds like an improvement.
The year is 2051. Skrillex is president. IG likes are fiat currency. Human limbic systems are GMO. My top tweet has the word "lyk" in it.— Creed (@novicefather) August 15, 2015
Oops.
[Daycare]
Swayze: I have one rule
Caregiver[putting his baby in a corner]: What that?
Swayze: *Roundhouse kicks her* And you broke it— sighentology (@MarlonBrandNO) August 7, 2015
Another actor who rose to fame based on physical skill.
Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) June 10, 2015
Truth.
Things that Gorgonzola could be that aren't cheese:
Dragon
Intestinal parasite
Vestigial organ
Goblin king
Ancient pox-curing paleo-herb— Pants (@onedumbshark) August 14, 2015
Jane Goodall’s son.
Wife: There's some guy from the tire store at the front door.
Me[hiding giant inflatable gorilla] Does he look pissed off?— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) August 17, 2015
“Spit it out, already!
*Has a tediously long winded rap battle with a ghost via ouija board*— non human paul (@Death_Buddy) August 14, 2015
He did beat the Ouija Board, though.
My mom made horrible spaghetti too but I never blamed losing a rap battle on it.— gerry hall (@gerryhallcomedy) August 15, 2015
But this guy is the people’s champ.
*devastates your grandma so bad in a rap battle that it becomes your super hero origin story*— ibid (@ibid78) January 17, 2015
Just round to years, people.
me: how old is ur baby
lady: 19 months!
me: …
lady: …
me: so… uh… ur baby is 8 years old?
lady: no 19 *months*
me: … um… wow 12 years old??!— jomny sun (@jonnysun) August 18, 2015
You have to give him credit for not taking the easy path to employment.
[Interview]
“Name?”
Superm—I mean, Clark… fuck
[flies around earth, reverses time]
“Greatest weakness?”
Kryptoni—DAMN IT.— Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) July 18, 2015
Also: One bowl for sale, slightly damaged.
Missed Connections: I was having a tantrum in the home goods isle at Target and hit you with a wooden bowl I'd thrown at my husband.— Vintage Risque (@VintageRisque) August 17, 2015
Before we had clocks.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]— Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) April 13, 2015
How to make things worse.
*finishes wonderwall on acoustic guitar* i know tons of other stuff too. anyway, your lab results came in & i'm afraid i have some bad news— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) January 19, 2015
Forgot to include a presidential candidate whose formal title is “Bofa.”
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you're good— Mat (@MatCro) August 18, 2015
Eat Arby’s.
Seize the day! Write a love letter. Churn your own butter. Confess to a crime you didn't commit. Get shanked in prison. No one will care.— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) August 19, 2015
Probably not the ones you deserve, either.
Sadly, you never get the stalkers you want.— R๑×ƴ (@rockthechuck) August 12, 2015
Wine is fine…
We go together like wine and literally anything else.— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) August 19, 2015
But whisky’s quicker.
Doc: You're going to need a transfusion.
Me: Can we cut to the chase and just use a coffee/scotch mixture?— Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) August 14, 2015
And the point is?
karate instructor: then you kick them in the stomach, turn around, put their chin in your arm like this-
"isn't this a Stone Cold Stunner?"— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) August 20, 2015
They grow up so fast.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 17, 2015
“And they was right!”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I died doing what I loved; being hung lol
EXECUTIONER: Haha are you serious that's a great joke, you can go— Michael Flynn (@Home_Halfway) August 14, 2015
He should’ve made it into a joke.
RIP Grandad. 6 years ago today you were taken from us by a heart attack that sadly, we didn't believe you were having. Sorry again x— Dan (@ehdannyboy) April 1, 2015
Or not.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 26, 2014
If you love something, set it free.
"I made this machine to chop up the stupid fucking air and HOLY SHIT WHERE'S IT GOING?" -guy who invented the Helicopter.— Thomas the Ripper (@HavocMantis) August 11, 2015
And thus we reach the end of another journey through light and sound. Or maybe just through weirdness and…more weirdness. But as Dr. Danny Kauffmann said, “The mind is a strange and wonderful thing. I’m not sure it will ever be able to figure itself out. Everything else maybe, from the atom to the universe. Everything except itself.” Eh, maybe not.
The Etch A Sketch lay forgotten at the bottom of a box in your attic. The knobs spin wildly, scribing God's true name into living shadows.— Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) June 12, 2013
