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13 Reasons Most People Will Never Go Vegan

vegan meal
Image CreditElla Olsson / Flickr / CC by 2.0, cropped

I’m a ‘live-and-let-live’ kind of guy, but many of the vegans I have known aren’t.

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Vegans are going to face a dilemma when their “no animal products” policy clashes with the left’s new “No Meat; Eat Bugs” demand. The vegan way of life eschews using any kind of animal product.

The Vegan Society explains veganism this way: “A philosophy and way of life that seeks to exclude — as much as possible — any form of exploitation and cruelty to animals, whether for food, clothing, or for any other purpose, and by extension, promote the development and use of alternatives without animal exploitation, for the benefit of humans, animals and the environment.”

There is a strong correlation between veganism and progressivism. Yet, as we keep seeing reinforced, if anyone in the progressive milieu strays from any part of the Official Doctrine of Woke, he will be ruthlessly hounded out of the left to join the politically homeless. Will the vegans eat bugs, or will they face the wrath of the left?

I’m a “live-and-let-live” kind of guy, but many of the vegans I have known aren’t. As good progressives, they have discovered a “better” way of life and believe you should adopt it too. This is consistent with leftists’ view that they know what is best for everyone. They use protest, harangue, and government power to try to shove their way of life up our patooties.

Well, I’m not going along. Here are 13 reasons.

Bacon. This salty, briny, saliferous, crisp treat is essential for any stomach-loving person. It goes with almost anything. I’ve seen bacon ice cream, pasta Amatriciana, bacon grits, and clams casino. Drool.

Bacon’s Cousins. Prosciutto, speck (you’ve gotta try this), pork belly (bacon unbaconized), pork loin (third cousin), Canadian bacon, pepperoni, smoked ham, and pork chops. I could go on.

Alfredo Sauce. Butter, heavy cream, and parmesan cheese. Nothing short of delectable and about as un-vegan as you can get. Extra sauce, please!

Candles. Tallow, usually from cows, is used with beeswax in many high-quality candles. Cheap candles use other, sometimes toxic materials. Perverse factoid for vegans: If you want all-natural, non-toxic candles, you’ll need fat from animals and wax from bees — another animal! Speaking of tallow…

Fireworks. I love fireworks, in a “childlike wonder” sort of way. Stearic acid is a waxy fat found in tallow, and it’s used to coat and protect metal powders such as titanium and barium that give us the intense colors and explosions that we enjoy on holidays. So, vegans, no fireworks.

Medium-Rare, Bacon-Wrapped Filet Mignon Seared In Butter. Sous vide these beauties to a perfect 132°F, sear all sides in butter in a tilted flaming-hot cast iron skillet, let rest for a few minutes, then enjoy. These delicious cuts must be accompanied by a…

Piping-Hot Baked Russet Potato. This potato will need to be drenched in yet more butter, dolloped in fresh sour cream, and festooned with, you guessed it, bacon bits.

Beer. This may blow some of the foam off your glass, so to speak, but isinglass, used to clarify beer and wine, is made from fish bladders. Cheers!

Rancher’s Loaded Breakfast Skillet. Four kinds of meat — including bacon! Also cheese, onions, bell peppers, grilled spuds, and of course Deadly Poisonous Eggs! Leave out some of the meats and substitute chicken-fried steak strips and white sausage gravy and you’ve got yourself a Country Skillet.

Fertilizer. From Listverse: “Ground bones, known as bone meal, are unusually high in phosphorus and calcium. If supplemented with nitrogen and potassium, it becomes an effective fertilizer for plants — and from a more natural source than most, to boot. There is also perverse and fitting poetry in using herbivore bones to feed plants.”

Shearling Slippers. These toasty slippers are made of sheepskin tanned with recently-shorn wool left on. Vegans denounce the use of animal products. I can only hope they have popsicle toes all winter.

Kale. I consider kale to be a vile poison. So, apparently, does a fetus in the womb. The appeal of kale to nutrition nuts is a mystery. It’s nasty, bitter stuff, often similar to the personalities of self-righteous food Nazis. Speaking of food Nazis…

Hard-Core Vegans’ Typical Snotty Attitude. Once I was served a meal by a vegan couple. Their meal, if I can recall, consisted of tofu with bird seed, with a side of another kind of bird seed, and dessert consisting of bird seed with a carob sauce. The cocktails sported bird seed. I think some sort of tasteless bean was also served.

We also enjoyed a stern lecture about the horrific consequences of eating meat and dairy and the environmental damage caused by ranching and farming. Typically, when I invite someone to dinner, I don’t use it as an opportunity to pontificate.

We decided to reciprocate, and put up a spectacular vegetarian meal because we didn’t know the difference. The vegan wife refused to eat anything because we used butter, cheese, and God-knows-what as ingredients, and she couldn’t risk instant death. The husband was a bit more gracious, ate some of our offerings, and pushed the food around a little so it looked like something was happening.

These people, whom I imagine grew up eating bacon, eggs, and cheeseburgers, were so locked in their ideology that they were incapable of appreciating our innocently clumsy gesture and graciously dining anyway. This was after we indulged in their avian offering without complaint.

To the above list, I could have added perfume, plastic bags, condoms, sugar, fabric softener, crayons, cake mix, orange juice, bagels, angora sweaters, chewing gum, cigarette filters, glycerin, red food dye (crushed bugs), bone China, footballs, margarine, paint, and socks.

But I won’t. I think I’ve already made my point.


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