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What Democrats Really Sound Like In Their ‘How Socialist Can You Get’ Primary Debates

Any similarities to candidate comments made after this article has published is merely evidence of the author’s clairvoyance.


Felicity Huffman: Many of you have expressed an interest in government-funded college tuition. What are your plans for making education more accessible? College is unreasonably expensive. It cost me tuition, a $15,000 bribe, four months imprisonment, and a $20,000 fine. Also, how did you get the colleges to pay you?

Elizabeth Warren: Firstly, I’d like to thank the Academies, by which I mean the 19 colleges and universities that donated more than $10,000 each to my campaign. And all because I’m pushing a free college platform that would put even more government money directly into their pockets. I have a long, complicated plan that would only raise taxes on the majority of the country.

Joe Biden: Thank you for this question. I’ve been pushing for equal access to education since Barack and I were working together. Remember Obama, and how much you love him? I know I have not formally released a plan yet, but it will be coming out very soon. And if it looks a shocking amount like my fellow candidates’ plans, that is merely a coincidence.

Pete Buttigeig: I don’t think that universally government-sponsored college is the right option. We ought not make taxpayers fund wealthy kids’ educations. Instead, we should make public universities free for low-income students. However, with Senator Warren’s discussion of donations, I would just like to point out that Notre Dame, in my town of South Bend, has not donated to my campaign at all, which I am taking to mean that they are not true Christians there.

Andrew Yang: I find it interesting that colleges are donating to candidates whose policies would directly benefit them financially. Instead of being bought by the universities, I’m cutting out the middleman. I’m offering to buy any and all Americans’ votes for $1,000 a month.

Bernie Sanders: I am angry about how expensive college is, and that the upper classes have hoarded all the resources. You can tell by my hand gestures becoming increasingly erratic. Education is a basic human right; just like everything else I want the government to pay for.

The Most Interesting Man in the World: I’m hearing a lot of discussion of taxpayers paying all college tuition, yet no one is discussing providing money for other necessary expenses incurred at university, like beer. So, will you be providing funding for alcohol? Stay thirsty, my friends.

Bernie Sanders: I’m a big supporter of beer. My state of Vermont has the most craft breweries per capita of any state in the U.S. All this alcohol means they’re drunk during the Senate election, the reason they keep reelecting me to the Senate.

Andrew Yang: The United States only accounts for 17 percent of the global beer consumption. We act like we’re 100 percent. While we need to provide American students beer, we also need to look at China, which consumes nearly twice as much beer as we do. Also, with $1,000 a month, students could buy their own beer.

Elizabeth Warren: Back in January, I drank a beer on Instagram live in an attempt to prove that I’m hip and relatable. My forced attempts at authenticity are as genuine as my protestations that I’m a capitalist and as my Native American heritage.

Pete Buttigeig: I believe with all this talk on higher education, we should also focus on public education. My husband is a teacher, and I am a great advocate of public education, so these subjects are very dear to me.

Cory Booker: Didn’t you go to prep school? And didn’t your husband also teach at a private school?

Kamala Harris: I agree that education is extremely important. That’s why I prosecuted the parents of truant children, even if it disproportionately affected poor families. I’m especially proud of the time I brought charges against a homeless mother of three, who was working two jobs to care for her children.

Cory Booker: Unlike my fellow Democrats, I’m in favor of school choice, cosigned a private school voucher program bill, and have long supported charter schools. But I am also a huge supporter of public schools; believe me. Ignore the fact that one in three kids in Newark, where I was mayor, attend a charter school. Now that Iowa’s coming up, charter laws are offensive and terrible. Except in Newark.

Bernie Sanders: Charter schools must be stopped! As president, I will ban for-profit charter schools, which I am still under the mistaken impression that presidents can do.

Marianne Williamson: Undereducation is oppression, and we must combat this oppression. I propose that we add New Age teachings to school curriculum. I have 13 suggestions for books, all of which I’ve written, and healing crystals for the school nurses.

After the commercial break, the candidates will cover topics such as China, gun violence, abortion, and health care.