After a bit of discomfit, the day finally arrived. The Phaedradons were in full bloom and the galaxy lay await. All that balance required was fusion between them, the Rand Corp, and the cosmic rhythms that guide we mortals. Simple, really.
The town criers locked and loaded their battle wind chimes, sending their nightmarish bells ringing out. Hearing their call, half of us strode forth, cautious, and embraced the new, albeit while sporting bespoke radiation suits and clutching the past. Then the Phaedradons shushed the Parallexabats, who were decidedly not chill about the entire ordeal and really eager to let everyone else know that.
The past writhed, for it was a new and different day, even if one caused by the events of the past. With much sound and fury, the fusion occurred, then people noisily went on with their days. The scribe smiled and whispered, “But of course it all makes sense, you’re just not paying attention.”
You’ve lost me at “it’s not very complicated”.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) January 11, 2017
What if I throw some wind chimes at you?
Avi is me. Shadow person out the corner of ur eye is me. Baby in the stroller next to u at the cafe is me. I am everywhere. You can’t escape
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) January 19, 2017
It gives the solutions something to do.
I’m definitely part of the problem.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) January 19, 2017
That’s what they want you to do.
I like to think I put people at ease. Not because I’m laid back, but rather because no matter what they say, I’ll say something way worse.
— liVsy (@liv_thatsme) January 13, 2017
That’s how you embrace the future!
Found someone else’s list in my shopping cart and I’ve decided to go with it.
— jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) January 17, 2017
When you go lower than wind chimes.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
— Bmad (@1_swarthy_dude) December 16, 2016
You’d think this would go without saying, but here we are.
Don’t be the kind of person that takes karaoke way too seriously
— Socktor Hollidre (@sock_holliday) December 9, 2016
Angry mobs sometimes get it right.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
— huntigula (@huntigula) May 12, 2016
It’s a prerequisite for joining the shadow government.
By a show of hands, who performs shadow puppets?
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) October 17, 2015
All part of the cosmic rhythms, man.
My only crime was loving too much. Specifically the mole people. Which I hope justifies my 2nd crime: assisting them to invade the surface.
— Fury Pesto (@RocketRankoon) October 1, 2016
‘Twas brillig and the slithy toves.
You have a way with all of the wrong words.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) January 16, 2017
I’d gyre and gimble in the wabe.
Just imagine how much I’d love you if you were someone else.
— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) January 17, 2017
Are they pasta fans though?
ME: [relentlessly pursued by my demons] oh things are great. i’m making chicken piccata tomorrow night
— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) January 17, 2017
Then you explain what’s going on.
That’s it. I’m an oracle now.
— B. (@AddledPixie) January 17, 2017
It was his time.
WILE E COYOTE PAINTS A TUNNEL IN VANTABLACK PAINT AND WALKS INTO THE INFINITE ABYSS, FINALLY RELEASED FROM HIS NEVERENDING MORTAL HUNGER
— THE ∞ NŐͣͨ͗̒W (@timescanner) January 14, 2017
It’s important to keep your adversaries warm and cozy.
[my mortal enemy enters my lair]
hello, please, have a seat *gestures towards fireplace*
— Maison Piedfort (@maisonwithapen) January 17, 2017
Some of the ancients walk amongst us. They’re into gardening, as you might expect.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) January 17, 2017
I like where this is going.
I’ve got a plan.
First we’ll group.
Then we’ll regroup.
— The Untastic Mr Fitz (@UnFitz) January 15, 2017
*meeting w/ cross-eyed boss*
ME: *nervously* So uh all we have to do is dot the T’s & cross the I’s
*boss glares at me & the bird outside*
— Danny (@dundlewood) September 28, 2016
She’s gonna do just fine when the mole people unveil the new world order.
Your love of hating people makes me love you more.
— Special K (@SwirlySkittles) December 19, 2016
The problem is that it’s so hard to procure.
Blood of the innocent.
The answer is always the blood of the innocent.
— XS Flea Baggage (@bsnc64) January 14, 2017
It’s called being prepared.
My pocketknife has everything: corkscrew, scissors, nail file, silly straw, murder blade, Pixy Stix, laminated lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody,
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 9, 2017
That’s why you commit crimes in other people’s and not your own.
Home is where the cops look first.
— ess bee fritz (@RandomAntics) November 19, 2014
Maybe that party where I kept playing wind chimes and trying to summon ghosts?
Excuse me, don’t I hate you from somewhere?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 22, 2014
It’s all part of the master plan.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) January 17, 2017
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) January 15, 2017
Still pretty good.
At best, I’m getting the cheap seats in Heaven.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) January 17, 2017
There’s always two sides to every story unless one of them is mine then there’s only one.
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) January 13, 2017
When the wind chimes knock you back, you don’t know where you’ll land.
If I ever go missing, make sure to check behind the couch.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) January 13, 2017
Things are a little wild right now, but don’t get carried away. There are many choices you can make that don’t involve Denny’s.
So I was telling my therapist about this girl I’d like to bury alive, and then he said “I’m a waiter at Denny’s and I’ve called the police.”
— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) December 15, 2016
Yeah, this waiter told me about it.
Evolving all the way into extinction.
— Definitely not me (@WhoToldYou2) January 14, 2017
Shhh, she’s about to speak.
a deep freezer is a freezer that took a poetry class in college
— Oz9 (@lucidchemistry) December 2, 2016
They did get lost at “it’s not very complicated.”
I’ve been called many things, but the most flattering has been “undiagnosable.”
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) January 14, 2017
Maybe that guy at Denny’s was just trying to be poetic and failing very badly.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 27, 2015
I guess, if you’re going to be so insistent.
Yes, I’m still angry. No, I’m not going to “get over it.”
— That Carly Girl (@thatcarlygirl) November 14, 2016
You just have to enter the right promo code and then, boom, the world is yours.
FYI: Amazon Prime won’t deliver raccoon ninjas.
*scratches off try to take over the world from today’s to do list*
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) January 12, 2017
I’m only a shopaholic when it comes to zoos.
— Gret¢hen (@wokkax3) January 12, 2017
And another option.
You go for a run then post your route to Facebook. I dig a hole on that route then cover it with sticks and leaves. We both get exercise.
— Jenn (@heyevergreen) January 23, 2016
There be wind chimes about.
ME: …visionary position, mile thigh club, d-
HER: Okay I get it, did you bring protection?
ME: *takes out my nunchucks*
HER: Oh hell yeah!
— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) May 24, 2016
I mean I guess it’s better if you’re not after world domination.
CW: You ok?
“Boss says I have a meeting with the Borg. I’m afraid they’re going to assimilate me”
CW: I think he said the board
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) January 14, 2017
It’s what the Jabberwock would want.
All of my password recovery answers are a lie.
— Mrs.X (@LnL245) July 25, 2016
This isn’t wrong, but be cool.
Windchill is a scam perpetrated by Big Wind to manipulate us into buying quilted puffer vests
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) January 13, 2017
Does that actually work? Because if so, I’m in.
I want to get struck by lightning but just enough so I can suddenly really wail on the guitar.
— Böb Bad Hombre Jänke (@Bob_Janke) October 24, 2014
That’s just what I want you to think.
You seem wistful and mild, like James Taylor when he had hair-
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) January 12, 2017
Excuse me, but I’m going to freshen my drink while y’all sort this out.
Sorry I said your boyfriend looks like Baron Harkonnen. It was childish & wrong. He’s floating right behind me, isn’t he?
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) January 2, 2017
Speaking of Baron Harkonnen, this isn’t about him.
I love daydreaming about getting involved in scandalous hijinks in Hawaii so Magnum P.I. will rescue me.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) January 12, 2017
While sporting bespoke radiation suits.
This is Starship Gamacho~
We have been cleared for
off world travel.
It’s zipparoo in a scooter
past Jupiter time.
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) January 19, 2017
They’re hard to see but brutally honest.
I know you think it’s crazy that I’m talking to myself but I’m actually talking to shadow people and none of us like your haircut, sorry.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) January 13, 2017
You can’t just come into our sick, twisted little world here. Let us waste our lives in peace.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) January 14, 2017
The scribe looked up and possibly regretted making such wild claims, particularly with regard to things making sense. Maybe from 40,000 feet they do, but that dude was really off with his initial claims. Still, though, there might be a thread in there somewhere, like really nice sheets where you can’t see the threads for the count. But I digress.
In any case, the Phaedrodons and Parallexabats will continue noisily about their days, doing whatever it is that they do, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t just sit back and relax. Everything is going to be fine. Probably. If nothing else, we’re witnessing history.
Why are you making this amazing milestone in your life about you smh
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) January 17, 2017