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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 63

Hey, you’re getting noticed!


If there is an email that’s even more exciting than ones about the fortune awaiting you in Nigeria, it’s those from LinkedIn letting you know that people are looking at your account. Usually it won’t tell you who is looking at your account, but rest assured, people are looking. Important people.

Never mind that the financial reward from such digital glances is often roughly on par with those from your Nigerian uncle. What’s important is the reminder that LinkedIn continues to exist and may or may not prove useful the next time you look for a job. You’ll never know until you do. Just remember, as LinkedIn will tell you, companies like BNSF and Union Pacific are looking for people with keywords such as yours.

The algorithm is gonna get you tonight.

Sometimes you go looking for a new gig; other times, you get recruited.

When you’re selling yourself, it’s not about being modest. It’s about being bold.

Can you be reported to HR before you get a job?

If you wait till you’re hired, though, it’s like getting a free vacation day.

In 2016, it’s all about authenticity. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Don’t give up now. There’s time yet to fulfill your dreams.

Be thoughtful with any emails you send, though, mmmkay?

But also get creative and wait for the notices and companies that have positions that may fit you to start rolling in.

There’s honest and there’s too honest. Know the difference.

Be prepared for statements like this. Use it to highlight how your weaknesses are really strengths.

If the fit isn’t there, you just move on.

You’ve got more tools in your shed, after all.

You’ve got fancy plans … and pants to match.

Look, no one is ever really qualified. Turn it back on your interlocutors.

On the other hand, be prepared if you get the job. There will be a ton of paperwork.

Also, they know this. There’s no need to tell them. You’re involved in an intricate charade.

I’m calling HR.

Use this to your advantage. Much filthy lucre awaits if you do.

Know your limits.

Never volunteer more information than you have to.

Get creative, but also shower and put on clean clothes.

“If a customer were to say this to you, how would you respond?”

Dare to dream. Also, nightmares are technically dreams.

And don’t limit your dreams. Aim for the sky.

Don’t believe the lies. If you show up unprepared, it’s going to hurt you.

This can be turned into a strength. Maybe your potential boss is allergic to wool.

One downfall of modernity is that this question even has to be asked.

“Can you tell me about a time you used a creative solution to solve a problem?”

“Lemme tell you about how I deal with traffic congestion in situations in which time is of the essence.”

Another consideration: The ubiquity of digital records. My personal strategy is to make sure they’re an impenetrable web of insanity, but your mileage may vary.

For the budding entrepreneurs, remember that your business may not be for everyone.

Don’t get too caught up in your passions. You’re trying to get a job.

When seeking out mentors, find people who aren’t afraid to drop some truth bombs.

And don’t get too crazy when setting goals.

Disrupt the status quo!

The interviewers know this, but keep it to yourself until after your first performance review.

On the other hand.

After the above incident, things went south for this outside-the-box thinker.

Then this happened.

Then, a life finished in the retail sector.

“Millennials, sure, I understand them.”

Guy Fieri said, “Sure, whatever, I don’t care anymore.”

For when the end arrives, you will have an anthem.

For there will always be interesting stories to tell.

Memories made.

A legacy to outlast you.

A bright, bright future.

And the mythology that became you.

As some circular logic hippie said, failure is just a something something something positive.

And it keeps you in good shape.

So live it up. In the words of Ferris Bueller, the world moves pretty past. If you don’t stop and look around, you could miss it. But not you. You forgot to maintain a fresh profile. As a result, you didn’t get noticed and then this happened. Don’t say you weren’t warned.