When we think of county fairs, many things come to mind. Most of those things are fried. They are also expensive and probably bad for us in the long term. In the short term, they are tasty, provide a modicum of nourishment, and aren’t instantly debilitating.
First, we board a roller coaster manned by some shady figure, one we wouldn’t normally trust, but his wares are expensive, so we take our seats. Then, after a few twists and turns, we’ll again be in position to hand over our life savings for more fried foods. But enough about the election. There’s still a bit more dog and pony before we arrive at that point. There’s also all-day hash browns, and they’re pretty delicious so long as you’re not really paying attention or are sufficiently hungover, which is recommended.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
— PunchyK (@AnkCoupleTO) April 28, 2016
I think it was part of whoever’s platform.
[In therapy]Why do I have to share my fries with him?
— Stacist (@girl_a_whirl) April 7, 2016
Those fryers aren’t limited to potatoes, either. Iowa may be the beginning, but it’s not the end.
I just found a package of Oreos that I forgot that I bought. This is WAY better than when I find money in my pockets when I do laundry.
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) September 17, 2012
Probably weren’t deep fried. Actually, even if they were, this isn’t part of making America great again, regardless of your affiliation.
I almost just choked on a kale chip and all I could think was that this never happens with Cinnabons.
— The Refined Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) June 22, 2016
Maybe there was some residual oil on it, but otherwise this isn’t making anything great.
One time I cooked a hotdog with my ex-wife's curling iron , your move MacGyver
— J (@Dis0beyJay) July 19, 2016
Spoiler alert: Shortly after this statement, he endorsed fries.
French fries are my starch nemesis.
— Stewnami (@stewnami) April 29, 2013
Lot of gold, there’s a clown, a shady character or two, some other undesirable things…
Me: I'm trying to find my soul mate.French Fries: We're at McDonald's dude.
— KC of TX (@kcmoore51) March 3, 2016
I’ll give you three guesses what she did wrong, and the first two don’t count.
Still can't believe KFC didn't acknowledge that tweet.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) July 12, 2016
Third-party guys just throw their votes away.
Sure, drugs and alcohol sound fun, but have you heard of Tater Tots?
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) July 2, 2016
Pepperidge Farm remembers the good old days.
Pepperidge Farm remembers and is willing to testify.
— Bmad (@1_swarthy_dude) January 22, 2016
Okay, I just dissed third parties, but she makes a point here.
Make extinction level event great again.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) July 13, 2016
“This ad approved by lol, nothing matters.”
[yelling over the sound of my 10,000 locusts] DON'T WORRY GUYS, THEY'RE REALLY FRIENDLY
— oni-on (@novixv) May 25, 2016
Some people take optimism too far.
"Someday we will look back on this and laugh" I say, as I toss a clown out of a moving vehicle
— literally a gun (@JermHimselfish) July 15, 2016
It’s good to have post-election plans.
My Tinder user name is Cthulhu and my bio reads "destroyer of all that is good and bringer of the dark." So swipe right and say "hi"!
— Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) July 15, 2016
He does seem to have a pretty good lock on the dad vote, but—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—thermostats just aren’t that important.
Trump: As President I will keep the temperature between 70-82 degrees. It's gonna be fantastic. Best weather ever. Really nice weather.
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) July 17, 2016
“Your word is apropos.” “Can you use it in a sentence?”
I like to call my little black dress "four failed dates and a funeral".
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) July 18, 2016
This sentence would also work. God help us.
I've just written a tweet so bad that Michael Bay has already planned four sequels to it.
— mo (@chuuew) November 7, 2014
This argument seems…familiar.
It's just sex, what's the worst that could happen? [female praying mantis turns and winks at the camera]
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) July 14, 2016
I think this ad has been done before.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) July 19, 2016
Good fences make good neighbors and, really, what is a wall but a really good fence.
My neighbor just stared me down like she's never seen a grown man using a chainsaw and listening to Whitney Houston before.
— Shitrock Buffalo (@DrunksWithGuns) July 10, 2016
Case in point.
China was way ahead of the curve on the whole wall building thing.
— Sparky ️ (@crunchenhanced) July 12, 2016
Entirely too easy.
Oh, you like apocalyptic horsemen? Name four
— Gogglepossum (@gogglepossum) June 24, 2016
Nostalgia is dangerous, but she makes a damn good point.
If you prefer Sammy Hagar over David Lee Roth then we absolutely cannot have sex.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) July 16, 2016
Have you considered frying it?
I'm so healthy since I stopped eating gluten, processed foods, & refined sugar. Now it's just me, this Kombucha, and my chronic depression.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) July 18, 2016
Hmmm, maybe those who cling to nostalgia have a point.
Miss Mary Mack, while relishing her haute couture, forgot those silver buttons down her back would make for a bemusing spin around the pole.
— Rev (@NotARatsAss) July 5, 2016
If your dinner party won't include a spirit possession resulting in a recreation of the Day-O scene from Beetlejuice I shan't be attending.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 17, 2016
The tilt-a-whirl is right this way.
A suspension from reality please.
— june (@junejuly12) July 16, 2016
See the above.
I like how we are suspended in space on a rock traveling 66,600 mph around a fiery star, but we still needed to invent the Tilt-a-Whirl.
— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) July 16, 2016
Don’t wait on politicians to save you. Take matters into your own hands. It’s the only way.
What if I told you that you could make an extra $1000 a month and would only have to rob 1 more bank per month than you do right now?
— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) July 11, 2016
Also, defy categorization. Be the best you that you can be and forget the losers and the haters!
*accidentally enters several of my tweets into Web MD*Web MD: You are a serial killer.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 2, 2016
Besides, some of these subcategories are getting ridiculous.
I get it, chips at the bottom of the bag, I'm broke af too.
— Caetano Bravo (@cbdoubleu) July 18, 2016
But some make perfect sense.
Life is better when you drink through a funnel
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) June 28, 2011
A certain candidate takes notes.
The trick to winning an argument with me is to just respond with Tom Petty lyrics, then I'll just start singing like an American girl.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) July 16, 2016
She may not be the hero we need, but she’s the one we deserve.
[walking down street with date after dinner]him: i had a great timeme: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) July 10, 2016
There will always be haters. Sad!
Relationship Status: …..A hobo outside my car window just told me I'm cramping his style…..
— Lobster Mobster (@Furry_Beaver) July 8, 2016
Well, this would be a tad extreme.
Not enough volcanoes to sacrifice myself to these days.
— V. (@Lovestained555) July 13, 2016
Not if we build a wall there won’t be!
It's all fun and games until a tribe of Norwegian midgets show up and steal all of your Crocs.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) July 10, 2016
delusions of grand failure
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) July 20, 2016
I have an idea, and it’s a word starting with “w.”
what exactly is the fucking deal with space? why so vast? just stop, space; no one is impressed.
— Clever Clogs (@1CleverClogs) July 6, 2016
Orange is rather difficult to cover.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin toneBank Teller: So is this not a robbery?Me: No, It is
— It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 26, 2016
The future we could have, were it not for the haters, etc., et al.
5 just tried watering the plants with bottled water like I'm some kind of millionaire
— JllyJllyFish (@JllyJllyFish) July 11, 2016
This campaign slogan was rejected. Too bad. It would’ve produced some great swag.
It's not narcissism if I really am this adorable.
— Joanie Loves Meh (@TheAlexNevil) July 12, 2016
This one was also rejected, but for reasons having to do with being a little too honest.
fashion a lathe from your bi-products, spin out some spectres and unleash them upon the country pop population
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) July 15, 2016
As for opposition advertising.
Excuse me, but Sonofa is my dad's name; you can call me Sonofasonofa.
— ShesARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) July 15, 2016
You know what we haven’t been discussing? The extremely important issue of first pet.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 14, 2016
[ sees hearse pull up ]My cab's here.
— ∀LLEY C∀T (@deardilettante) July 18, 2016
I think there’s a wall for that.
Back in my day, we didn't have days. Time unspooled in one long strand of being, piling around our bare ankles.
— RM (@dorsalstream) May 23, 2016
It may seem to be a dark time, but it’s always the most clichéd before the accurate cliché or something. That’s why we’ve got to pull our bootstraps up by ourselves and get out there and do something. Something meaningful and powerful. It’s always morning somewhere, particularly at McDonald’s, where the all-day breakfast menu is getting larger and more in charger.
Neighbor: Morning! What are u up to today?Me: Just summoning demons for a curse to smite my enemies. You?Neighbor: *slams door*
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) July 14, 2016