Summer is the season in which we, in our infinite wisdom, head outside into the heat and fire up our grills. Perhaps we should reconsider and do such grilling in the dead of winter, when our grills would warm us instead of scorching us, but some traditions die hard. Also, without such dedication and heat, we wouldn’t be able to have summer cookouts, most noble of decidedly inelegant gatherings.
Whether it’s the necessary beer that makes us impervious to heat or the fact that we’re just stubborn, make the most of it. In our hearts, even if we feign complaints, we know we love it. For if there is a time for fire and the out of doors, it’s when it’s ridiculously warm and possibly dry. Besides, it’s the only choice we have.
Drums beat in the distanceCrows darken the sky overhead The sense of dread is palpable Just as the prophecy foretold, the McRib is back
— Geeky Steven (@geekysteven) July 6, 2016
Alas, hunting season and grilling season have little overlap. Perhaps it’s for the best.
I've always felt bad for children raised by wolves, but I feel worse for the children raised by deer near the children raised by wolves.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 28, 2016
And when you clean up, clean up like a boss.
Just drank four beers in the shower like some kind of free-range husband.
— Creed (@novicefather) July 5, 2016
Another benefit of grilling?
"It's noon somewhere!" I said, morning drinking.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 20, 2016
If you were grilling, no one would even question this statement.
Hello bartender.Yes, I'll have all the alcohol.
— Jodih (@jodihull77) June 22, 2016
Step one of this scheme involves alcohol. I’m not sure what step involves grilling, but I’m certain it’s in there.
I'm planning an elaborate scheme, does anyone have a horse
— The 'Dro (@Clowndro) July 2, 2016
This is one of the steps, as well.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they'll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
— Oz9 (@lucidchemistry) October 9, 2014
You know what would never happen with a horse?
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) June 5, 2016
When grilling, don’t limit yourself to burgers and steaks. Everything tastes better when it’s grilled.
(Interview to be a hot dog vendor at a baseball park)INTERVIEWER: how loud can you yell 'hot dogs'?ME: (eyes go completely black) HOT DOGS
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) June 21, 2015
Be prepared, always.
date: where did u get that, i don't see that on the menume: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 1, 2016
Maybe not this prepared.
Pfft! I'm not uptight! I know how to party!
Now if everyone will sign their waivers, we can begin our decorous rollick
STAY IN HEIGHT ORDER!
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) July 19, 2014
You’ll need side items. A nice summer salad balances the heaviness of the meat and also goes with most booze, though skip wine if you’re using a vinaigrette. The vinegar fights with wine.
I'm proud to announce that I've recently been elected President of the Drunk Gardening Society.
— Burgess & Basil (@praisecheese) June 26, 2016
Roving bands of unruly teens, freed from the shackles of school, may attempt to ruin your good time. That’s why you have fire.
Light me up and watch me stun and disorient any would-be attackers
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) July 1, 2016
Of course, even if you limit the festivities to invited guests, you might have some who overstay their welcome.
Don't you hate when you're trying to nap after a night of drinking and someone is all "Hey get off my lawn!
"— The Robfather™ (@thatUPSdude) July 1, 2016
There will also always be that guest. You can ignore them, at least until morning when you have to shoo them out of the front yard.
Can't. I'm just really into alcoholic smoothies right now.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) June 23, 2016
If you plan and execute following all the steps listed here, you’ll also have no shortage of hot female guests, literally and figuratively.
I'm drinking moonshine and I'm pretty sure my spirit animal is now a yeti!
— hyperblastchic (@hyperblastchic) August 21, 2015
If you drink, don’t drive. Otherwise, this might happen to you.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?Me: No, I wasn't speeding.Cop: Will you join my professional network on LinkedIn?
— the liv cannot abide (@liv_thatsme) July 5, 2016
Particularly cops looking to grow their professional network.
I probably should stop talking to people today.
— Special K (@SwirlySkittles) July 3, 2016
When party planning, don’t forget to include some activities. Your guests will have a better time if you serve up more than food and drinks.
You can use a sex swing as a catapult to shoot raccoons into your neighbor's backyard there's no law against it.
— ibid (@ibid78) July 3, 2016
First, though, you have to trap your launchables, which aren’t to be confused with Lunchables. Your co-host may argue, but keep her focused on the big picture.
Love is putting another's needs before my own. So that's why I'm letting this raccoon live in my garage, not because he makes me scream-cry.
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) July 2, 2016
No matter what, though, some guests will choose to entertain themselves.
Jokes on you guy who kicked my ladder away, I love laying on smashed garden furniture with my limbs broken
— AnOnion (@onion_an) May 30, 2016
And though you may be tempted to offer direction, just let them go for it. You’ve got a grill to attend to.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don't know why we keep having to say this.
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) January 17, 2015
No matter what. You can’t fight the feeling anymore and you don’t even know what you were fighting for.
REO Speedwagon jam session and chill?
— Krispy (@P0tterhead_394) June 30, 2016
Even if you try to fight the feeling, you’re going to be ignored anyway. Just roll with it. Also, maybe, form a conga line.
See that line? I'm about to cross it.
— Sam (@samfromks) July 1, 2016
Besides, no matter the game plan, the coach is likely going to call an audible at the end.
My life coach said to tell you to fuck off.
— Rev (@NotARatsAss) June 27, 2016
When planning, make sure to plan for extra guests. It’s not a proper party if you don’t attract a few stragglers.
[hears shenanigans in the distance][whispers] They're calling my name.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) June 26, 2016
There’s also going to be a crew who keeps it going late and risks inviting police over to demand you check them out on LinkedIn.
The fact that I can never sleep has me wondering if I was meant for a life of crime.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) October 23, 2015
Don’t forget the mayo-based potato salad.
Revenge is a dish best served when everyone thinks you've been over it for 5 years
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 8, 2016
And make sure there’s something for everyone.
"Darn! I must've left the bag with our swimsuits at home!" I lie to the 4th of July party hostess, as I set up camp next to the snack table.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) July 4, 2016
An important part of party planning is having a kick-ass soundtrack. Fortunately, there are many summer jams to keep the speakers thumping.
I you listen to Summertime backwards, you can hear the exact moment Jazzy Jeff fades into obscurity.
— Blinky McBlinksalot (@nagunnatelya) June 18, 2016
Another submission for the playlist.
Kids are running around with American flags and singing "Let It Go" because that's our national anthem now.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) July 4, 2016
Don’t forget the bookworms, either. They’ll need reading materials.
Horoscope: you'll be hungover all day. Again.
— ssssss. (@semple42) June 29, 2016
You’ll probably need a vegetarian dish for this one.
It's called a geode Kyle. And it's by my bed because the inner crystals increase vitality. Sheesh.
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) July 6, 2016
It is a party and the kids have to learn sometime.
[pic of son holding a beer]Friend: OMG do u let him have liquorMe: god no! What kind of mom do u think— oh I mean I let him have beer tho
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) July 6, 2016
You know what will help wash that down? Also, get that kid some sunglasses.
You ever notice parents will say, "we have 3 beautiful children" but 1 of those kids is eating dirt & staring directly at the sun.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) July 6, 2016
She may need to get out of the sun.
If I was crazy voices in my head would have already said something.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) July 6, 2016
Looks like we have someone to provide desserts.
Some people put love in their baked goods, I put murder fantasies into mine.
— Shaken, not stirred (@girl_a_whirl) July 4, 2016
When selecting a venue, make sure to plan for contingencies that may lessen the overall excitement of your soiree.
Zero shark attacks while I was in Malibu yesterday. The beach sucks!
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 3, 2016
Now, see who can outrun sharks, maybe even a sharknado.
Not to brag or anything but if I get a big enough headstart I can still outrun my seven-year-old.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) June 18, 2016
If someone RSVPs and doesn’t show, have your crew take care of that.
I think I'd quite enjoy being kidnapped. It's always nice to feel wanted.
— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) June 29, 2016
And if he complains…
Go ahead and call HR, I don't even work here.
— ʝo̥ Ðιg̥gιтy (@WhaJoTalkinBout) June 25, 2016
Guess whose kids stand a greater chance of growing up to be MacGyver.
Oh, your kids' pool toys are educational & BPA-free? Mine are playing with a cocktail shaker & throwing water-soaked tampons at each other.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 3, 2016
I don’t remember inviting him, but whatever. That’s why you always cook more than you think you’ll need.
It's summertime; wear a flowing caftan & have cocktails with the Devil.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) July 7, 2016
In the end, though, remember it’s your house, and you’re the one who calls the shots. Act accordingly.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) July 6, 2016
Then, when everyone’s appetite is sated with meats and cheeses and cakes and boozes, you can survey your territory and know that you have succeeded. Have you left a legacy? No, but people did enjoy themselves. Perhaps you even enjoyed yourself, in between running around like a crazed person wearing an apron and holding a set of tongs. You should, for without you, who would start the grill?
I'm the fuel you add to the fire.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) July 2, 2016