In just a few days, the hills will be alive with the sound of explosions. The flatlands, too. That’s right, it’s almost Independence Day, and what better way to celebrate our love of our country than blowing up a small piece of it.
The problem, besides a small amount of danger for those who don’t understand how to properly detonate occasionally erratic explosives, is that some paternal types have made it impossible for people to purchase said explosives. They passed laws and regulations and thus we ended up with sparkler bombs, which are much more dangerous and erratic.
As such, it’s only a matter of time before sparklers, nay all forms of fire, are regulated out of existence. Never fear, though, for we are an industrious people.
WIFE: what are you doing?ME: [with a massive writhing sack full of toads] why do you always think I'm "doing" something
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) June 25, 2016
This is how the first ban on fireworks was started.
Fact: You can ask any question you want and no one will get mad as long as you have a clipboard.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) June 27, 2016
Like the time I reminded you to sign my petition.
Every time I’ve said “friendly reminder” has been a lie.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 28, 2016
Then she took out her quill and added her signature. The referendum on pre-made sparkler bombs would get a vote.
I left bread for the crows, and in return, they carried my words to the witch.
— B. (@AddledPixie) June 29, 2016
I’m going to have to say no to this request.
Yes, yes, fine. Take the goblets and my great grandmother's bone china.But leave my Shrinky Dink collection and majorette uniform.
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) June 21, 2016
And makes artisanal Shrinky Dinks.
Craft beer is just beer that scrapbooks.
— Marta Effing Ketchup (@MartaEffing) June 18, 2016
Especially if that’s where you hide your fireworks and vintage arts and crafts supplies.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) May 5, 2014
You can also give them explosives and other weapons.
A fun thing to do when your kids are fighting is to play death metal and turn it all the way up
— mommywines (@mommywhines) June 11, 2016
Which is why you turn on the death metal and hand them a few blunderbusses.
Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity, it's the definition of parenting
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) June 17, 2016
Stupid water, putting out all the fireworks.
[skipping stones on lake]DATE: it's such a beautiful eveningME: *whispering* take that you fucking lake
— tomsauced (@trojansauce) November 24, 2015
You’ll also need refreshments if you want to celebrate in style. Or sort of in style.
FACT:If you wear your robe and slippers to the liquor store and cut in line in front of everyone, nobody says shit
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 18, 2014
A flying one with lots of firepower and a suit to protect against chainsaws.
Be the shark you want to see in the week.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) June 29, 2016
But what about the aforementioned chainmail?
Earth shakes, cracks. Something uncoils below, slithering. As ancient scales crush cities you realize you ain't' getting that waffle cone…
— Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) June 30, 2016
He jumped the shark shortly thereafter.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was that sick wheelie back in '83
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) June 20, 2016
I wonder where you get one.
6yo: Daddy, I just watched a YouTube video that said the kraken is real, so you were wrong.Me:6yo:Me: Ya, I dropped the ball on that one.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 17, 2016
Canadians don’t know anything about properly celebrating Independence Day.
"What's the worst thing that could happen?" isn't supposed to be a challenge.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) June 15, 2016
This guy, on the other hand, gets it.
who's got two thumbs and is holding lit fireworks? That's right, this guy for the next 30 seconds or so
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) June 30, 2016
‘Cause baby you’re a star, you are.
[gets pulled over for speeding]Where's the fire ma'am?*grips lighter*"I'm not sure yet"
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) July 17, 2014
Another good use of fire.
Quitting my job tomorrow to do an apprenticeship in a cave whereby I finally learn to make swords. My parents are footing the bill god bless
— Mike (@MikeOdenthal) June 29, 2016
When making decisions like whether or not to jump out of a plane, it’s important to consider all the angles.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
— Cecil (@ilovecuredmeats) September 6, 2013
Remember that you’re already wearing a robe and just sit down and relax. It’s got grain in it. That’ll suffice.
Whiskey doesn't care if it's time to make dinner.
— Shaken, not stirred (@girl_a_whirl) July 1, 2014
It really adds flare to the robe.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) April 5, 2016
You had a chance to have a really cool tombstone and you blew it.
"I knew this tribal tattoo wasn't a mistake," I say as the island natives spare me from the volcano sacrifice & declare me their leader.
— the liv cannot abide (@liv_thatsme) June 30, 2016
I think this is another word for “bottle rockets.”
I don't avoid issues I burn them
— Genevieve (@Gen22) June 21, 2016
Or the sparkler bomb did what sparkler bombs often do.
*hears a bunch of sirens and fire trucks in the distance*Well, I guess he's listening to my mixtape.
— Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) June 22, 2016
*Sets the roof on fire with a rogue sparkler*
KID:*spills juice on couch*ME:That's coming out of your security deposit.WIFE:*sighing* Stop calling his college fund a security deposit.
— The Pale Rider (@truegritrumble) June 28, 2016
He exhausted his security deposit.
"Where are you going? Are you my dad?"- my son playing "interspecies abandonment issues" with his dinosaur and zebra.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) June 3, 2016
An alternative means of paying for college.
Maybe get your kids a liquor license first and then tell me about their lemonade stand.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 26, 2016
This is true.
Of course I'll help you commit a crime.I'm a girl. I love accessories.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) June 14, 2016
She’s her own accessory.
When a woman says 'it's nothing' it's probably a lot of things and you'll be dead soon
— kanye's bhole (@bossy_bootz) June 29, 2016
What is the sound of one hand falling in a forest?
Life was so simple until someone asked me a riddle and now everything's ruined.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) June 29, 2016
Arby’s: the Official Sponsor of 2016.
sending thoughts and prayers to everyone at an Arby's rn
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) June 28, 2016
He is running for president.
You’ve heard of Netflix and chill, now get ready for:HULU WITH CTHULHU
— Goddess of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) June 23, 2016
Get up again and the evil clown will get you. Night, honey!
"There was no nightmare, you're not scared of anything, yes you can sleep, go to bed."- me, parenting sensitively at 3 a.m.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) June 29, 2016
Another example of how real life and television don’t quite mirror one another.
Pizza delivery men don't like it when you answer the door naked, apparently.
— Cooking With Xanax (@BrdnHatesYou) June 5, 2016
Trick question because the answer is all of them.
*Creates Animals*God: They're magnificent.Angel: Some of ur best work.Man: Which ones go on pizza?
— Wu tang kraang (@1slowery1) May 23, 2016
The little dude in the tuxedo does have a point.
Angel: We have a set of wings left overGod: Stick them on that fishAngel: You want it to fly??God: WhatevsPenguin: What the actual fuck?
— mo (@chuuew) December 27, 2015
Go big or go home.
[Concert]Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle[Octagon player struts on stage]Triangle player: "What the-"
— SAM (@necrosocks) June 20, 2016
Just don’t order pizza.
9 just told me "it's a free country, you can do what you want" when I complained about having to wear pants to the grocery store. Awesome
— JllyJllyFish (@JllyJllyFish) June 28, 2016
Does she want him to go pick up groceries or nah?
Your post-Keynesian economics and neo-liberalism tweet was super-insightful and stimulating, babe. Now, shut up and take off your pants.
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) June 27, 2016
After closing the lid, he started talking about Keynesian economics again.
Oscar the Grouch: maybe I'm so grouchy bc I live in such a hostile environment Big bird: get back in that can, street garbage
— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) June 22, 2016
It’s Big Bird’s favorite vintner.
Sommelier: Grapes for this wine are from a monastery where the monks beat monkeys to harvest themMe: *swirls* I can taste the oppression
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) June 28, 2016
This is another opulent option.
I want a glass of champagne served to me by Ben Kingsley.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) September 28, 2013
Revenge is a dish best served in a glass at cellar temperature?
Turns the grapes of wrath into a lovely red blend.
— Mulva74 (@Mulva74) June 26, 2016
For obvious reasons. Pants optional.
Sitting forlorn on a throne is underrated.
— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) June 28, 2016
I think Jimi Hendrix wrote a song about this.
"Thanks to Costco & insomnia, look at all I have accomplished!" I yell through a cardboard tube from my castle built of paper towel rolls.
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) June 27, 2016
Said song included a reference to this, too.
Take your kids to the beach so they can displace 80% of the world's beach sand into their shoes and other people's eyes.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) June 29, 2016
They do hang out around sand, though they don’t build castles. Yet.
Scorpions are just goth land lobsters.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) June 26, 2016
They can eat goth land lobsters if worse comes to worse.
No. No one else. It'd be just you and I running across the windswept savanna with loin cloth and spear in hand
— DonQuickOats (@DonQuickoats) June 26, 2016
Yeah, right. Goldfish, even goth ones, don’t live on farms. Jeez.
Today marks the anniversary of when my parents sent my beloved goldfish to live and play on a farm.Wait. Silence for Mr. Goldy please.
— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) July 25, 2013
I think the fisherman got the better end of this deal.
[I wake up next to a fishing net full of salmon]But that means…[Cut to fisherman at sea, with my dreamcatcher full of howling goblins]
— REW (@therealeatwood) May 11, 2016
You don’t have to be an American to get it. She gets it.
If all else fails, set everything on fire
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) June 26, 2016
Step 1: Start a fire.
I wrote a song about hamburgers. What have you done with your life?
— LTB (@_Tempo11) June 29, 2016
Soon, he’ll be wearing cargo shorts and grilling burgers.
Her: I'm going to tell you somethingMe: Hi "going to tell you…" OMGHer: You're gonna be a da…Me:*Lowers thermostat*WHATS HAPPENING TO ME?
— Boog (@BoogTweets) June 25, 2016
“I told you to stop grilling!”
Karen get the gun, the hamburger helper glove is back
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 21, 2016
Better than facing the glove.
[getting stabbed by the hitchhiker in my passenger seat]From the backseat: ARE WE THERE YET
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) June 30, 2016
Couldn’t you just stab us instead?
Men are like lobstersAs in you want to boil them in waterBreak their legs off, butter them upAnd devour their soul
— Ya-Ya (@macchiatonumb) June 27, 2016
Have it your way.
Rules?!?Oh I think you meant suggestions.
— Taquito (@Jazzzzzmina) June 17, 2016
More butter, dear?
[on my death bed]WIFE: *leans in close* You weren't going deaf. I really was whispering all those years.ME: *eyes widen, dies*
— Brian C. Thayer (@briancthayer) May 31, 2016
Because it’s awesome, that’s why.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume
— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) July 8, 2013
Now get out there and make some noise. Start fires, cook with fire, light fireworks with fire, and generally give thanks to Prometheus and whichever Greek deity it was who stole beer and brought that to man. For without fire and beer, we couldn’t celebrate our independence with panache and vigor. We also couldn’t scare the bejesus out of various small animals and children for miles all around us. But we can and we will. We strut around with that shit on a leash.
Don't mind the hounds of hell, they're with me.
— ∀LLEY C∀T (@deardilettante) June 23, 2016