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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 49

Gather ‘round, children, and imbibe the ceremonial drink of mothers everywhere.


Mother’s Day is upon us, a holiday celebrated with brunch and handmade trash and terrible, terrible cards, some featuring glitter. A major difference in Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is that moms generally enjoy spending time with the reasons they are mothers, whereas fathers generally prefer to get some peace and quiet and forget they’re fathers, at least for a few hours.

That’s what makes mothers special. No matter what their kids put them through, no matter how much wine they drink to “relax” after being yelled at for cooking and cleaning and drawing baths, they still love it. They are warriors who bring life into this world, listen to that life make ridiculous statements about how hard they have it, and respond with love. And sarcasm. It’s a skill the next generation sorely needs as they deal with the craziness of modern life.

Why do you spring for brunch? Partly so you can pay someone else to clean up the mess.

Sometimes they just fall off in the shower and aren’t purposely taken off and dropped.

Even on Mother’s Day.

The real reason women are warriors is they know that, someday, the macaroni art will stop.


He has every right to be proud.

I don’t know why they couldn’t do this on Mother’s Day, too. Have a few mimosas and tip the jazz duo enough that they cut loose.

Again, the answer you’re looking for is mimosas.

Maybe the seller has a low rating.

Not as cool as a haunted doll, but this could double as a gift if your kids forget to tell you to buy something.

“It’s a whole case of Fiji Water, babe—don’t you like it?”

When this happens, the answer is, no, she did not like it.

The perfume was last year’s gift. Then, the case of water happened.

Maybe moms don’t try to escape because they’ve accepted their fate.

Hear that, kids! Now don’t disappoint your mother.

It’s not just feeding and raising them, it’s also expanding their horizons that wears you down.

This is why most of their presents can just be thrown away rather than lost in a drawer.

The gift of peace and quiet.

So make sure they’re designer while shopping at a thrift store for yourself.

The thing to remember, though, is it all starts with love. It’s not until later that the ranch dressing hose becomes a dinner staple.

It’s not all about the moms, though. Dads matter, too, and not just for making reservations.

At least the cats can’t talk. They do meow a lot, which is pretty annoying, but they aren’t as finicky about meals and generally don’t leave huge messes everywhere they go.

Don’t be sorry—that’s a compliment.

The other reason it’s so hard to shop for Mother’s Day is this.

Just let them fall off and send in the clowns.

Another gift of motherhood is learning to master this skill. That’s probably more toward us husbands, but still.

As we’ve already established, they refuse to be servants, and this is their only other function.

The flashlights are all lost, deep in the mountains of pillows, blankets ,and stuffed animals. This is all that’s left.

“What’s another word for children, Alex?”

Even when the clue is Mogwai?

Now there are gremlins everywhere.

Life in the multiverse, but at least you can escape when people get their Mogwai wet.

They never listen.

The gift that keeps on giving.

She could have been a contender, except for her parents.

This sounds like something specific to her family. No other moms or dads out there can relate to this. None whatsoever.


These kids sound unique, too.

They’re just jelly.

This would make the school pick-up line so much more manageable.

Another gift that keeps on giving.

That’s a good reason.

I wonder if he found the Walkman at a consignment store.

Before you make her a mother, you woo her.

But don’t woo just anyone.

Librarians, man.

I mean really.

Are they librarians or something?

Haven’t we all.

Not sure if she’s a mom, but if not, she’s on her way.

Of course, you could choose to skip celebrating the wife and mother of your kids this Mother’s Day.

“I told her the kids forgot to get anything, and the next thing I know, I’m waking up in a foreign prison.”

Enjoy the holiday, everybody. Although its founder may have later renounced it, it’s still an excuse for terrible art and day drinking, and that’s reason enough. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to continue my shopping. Or start my shopping. Mother’s Day is not the day to spend hiding out.