Mother’s Day is upon us, a holiday celebrated with brunch and handmade trash and terrible, terrible cards, some featuring glitter. A major difference in Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is that moms generally enjoy spending time with the reasons they are mothers, whereas fathers generally prefer to get some peace and quiet and forget they’re fathers, at least for a few hours.
That’s what makes mothers special. No matter what their kids put them through, no matter how much wine they drink to “relax” after being yelled at for cooking and cleaning and drawing baths, they still love it. They are warriors who bring life into this world, listen to that life make ridiculous statements about how hard they have it, and respond with love. And sarcasm. It’s a skill the next generation sorely needs as they deal with the craziness of modern life.
Daughter: You're invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
— Moe (@_Mo_lee_) January 8, 2016
Why do you spring for brunch? Partly so you can pay someone else to clean up the mess.
"Maybe I should help."
– Not kids
— SuperSardonicTart™ (@SardonicTart) March 23, 2016
Sometimes they just fall off in the shower and aren’t purposely taken off and dropped.
If you like finding filthy used Band-Aids stuck to you because your kids decided they were done wearing them then you'll love this gig.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 27, 2016
Even on Mother’s Day.
90% of parenting is saying "Wow" and "Really?" and "That's AMAZING!" to a constant stream of shit you don't care about.
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) September 22, 2015
The real reason women are warriors is they know that, someday, the macaroni art will stop.
Mom jeans are like regular jeans except they are very disappointed that you don't call more often.
— Chocolate Moose (@moose_chocolate) April 15, 2016
For this Mothers Day, I've finally made my Mom that Macaroni dress that she's always wanted
— Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) May 4, 2016
He has every right to be proud.
wife[to pregnant friend] And they NEVER stop showing you things they make
me*takes picture of the beer can pyramid I made**sends it to her*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 4, 2016
I don’t know why they couldn’t do this on Mother’s Day, too. Have a few mimosas and tip the jazz duo enough that they cut loose.
I wished I loved anything as much as a group of MILFS love celebrating a birthday at a bar with an 80's cover band…
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 5, 2015
Again, the answer you’re looking for is mimosas.
Mother's Day is an important day to pause and reflect on the tiny miracles you created, who are now screaming at you to make their breakfast
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 5, 2016
Maybe the seller has a low rating.
Him: What do you want for Mother's Day?
Me: There's this haunted doll on eBay I've had my eye on
M: A Sephora gift card works
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 30, 2016
Not as cool as a haunted doll, but this could double as a gift if your kids forget to tell you to buy something.
My retirement savings is an unopened bottle of Fiji water that's been in the trunk of my car for a few months.
— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) October 26, 2015
“It’s a whole case of Fiji Water, babe—don’t you like it?”
The struggle is fine
— Jess (@jessokfine) May 3, 2016
When this happens, the answer is, no, she did not like it.
I love the smell of gasoline and burnt matches.
— Krispy (@P0tterhead_394) May 3, 2016
The perfume was last year’s gift. Then, the case of water happened.
She was an enchantress, brilliant, seductive, charming. She smelled like Chanel Number 5 and murder.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 30, 2016
Maybe moms don’t try to escape because they’ve accepted their fate.
I told my family I just wanted peace & quiet for Mother's Day & then they all laughed & laughed & continued arguing.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 5, 2016
Hear that, kids! Now don’t disappoint your mother.
This whole not having servants thing is really starting to get on my nerves
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) March 8, 2016
It’s not just feeding and raising them, it’s also expanding their horizons that wears you down.
This is how the world ends.
Not with a bang, but with an elementary school recorder concert.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) May 3, 2016
This is why most of their presents can just be thrown away rather than lost in a drawer.
For Mother's day, I'd love to use the spa gift certificate I've been too busy to use from last year.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) May 10, 2015
The gift of peace and quiet.
Kids: "Mom, want to play hide and seek?"
Me: YES. *sits alone in the closet with a glass of wine for 10 minutes*
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) March 10, 2016
So make sure they’re designer while shopping at a thrift store for yourself.
Buying new clothes for kids is like putting new clothes on a werewolf just before they transform.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 4, 2016
The thing to remember, though, is it all starts with love. It’s not until later that the ranch dressing hose becomes a dinner staple.
"Daddy, what is Guy Fieri?"
Well, when a hedgehog and a bottle of Mountain Dew love each other very much…
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) April 24, 2016
It’s not all about the moms, though. Dads matter, too, and not just for making reservations.
I like to remind my daughter that I am literally better than her at everything so that she feels secure that she has a strong father figure.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) September 5, 2014
At least the cats can’t talk. They do meow a lot, which is pretty annoying, but they aren’t as finicky about meals and generally don’t leave huge messes everywhere they go.
My nickname at work is, "oh god it's that annoyingly nice white girl who is always covered in cat hair and sadness".
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) May 3, 2016
Don’t be sorry—that’s a compliment.
Sorry I said your baby looks like Phil Collins…
— Boston Girl (@bostongal12) February 25, 2016
The other reason it’s so hard to shop for Mother’s Day is this.
Kinda wanna eat a jar of peanut butter, kinda wanna nap, kinda wanna punch a stranger. Being a woman is hard.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) March 22, 2015
Just let them fall off and send in the clowns.
By the 2nd kid, your baby hangs onto you like a bull ride as you run around frantically. Just trying to make 8 sec before they're flung off.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 5, 2016
Another gift of motherhood is learning to master this skill. That’s probably more toward us husbands, but still.
I can hide a "fuck you" in the sweetest of the smiles.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) May 2, 2016
As we’ve already established, they refuse to be servants, and this is their only other function.
My kids have been plotting my downfall since the day they were born.
— Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) May 1, 2016
The flashlights are all lost, deep in the mountains of pillows, blankets ,and stuffed animals. This is all that’s left.
Sets Glo-worm atop burned-out front porch light.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 14, 2016
“What’s another word for children, Alex?”
The movie theater is in shambles, destruction as far as the eye can see… I never should have taken my Mogwai to see Magic Mike.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) December 7, 2015
Even when the clue is Mogwai?
The year is 2050. Alex Trebek continues host Jeopardy and looks exactly the same. I still don't know any of the answers.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) May 4, 2016
Now there are gremlins everywhere.
I HATE TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE, BUT NOW THAT I HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL WEATHER MY MORAL COMPASS HAS BEEN CORRUPTED
— McC (@MattMcC1) January 30, 2014
Life in the multiverse, but at least you can escape when people get their Mogwai wet.
Whenever somebody "proves" me wrong, they only prove that I have traveled to a parallel dimension in which what I knew is no longer correct.
— Maybe Mark (@NotMarkAllen) May 3, 2016
They never listen.
7 y/o daughter: Dad. I puked in my bed and on the bathroom floor
Me: Ugh. Remember? Liquor before beer, you're in the clear…
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) January 20, 2016
The gift that keeps on giving.
Holy shit have you guys checked out the new Adobe update!? It's a major game changer. I can't believe they did it again.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) May 4, 2016
She could have been a contender, except for her parents.
I'm only this lazy and unsuccessful because of all the vaccines I had as a child
— Jodi (@thejodiest) March 17, 2015
This sounds like something specific to her family. No other moms or dads out there can relate to this. None whatsoever.
*loses family in store
*hears shouting several aisles over
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) May 4, 2016
When I was younger, I sat on my daddy's knee, and he said "We have chairs."
— Cinco de Meh (@TheAlexNevil) May 1, 2016
These kids sound unique, too.
My sons consider "it's bedtime" my first offer in the negotiation process
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 11, 2013
They’re just jelly.
I don't know why the other moms don't like me
*shows up to the bus stop wearing booty shorts while carrying a flask
— Suburbia_Mommy (@runner_mom2) April 13, 2016
This would make the school pick-up line so much more manageable.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
— That Girl (@myonlymizztake) March 25, 2016
Another gift that keeps on giving.
The last time I threw a super-ball I was 8 years old and it's still bouncing around my mom's basement.
— Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry) April 30, 2016
That’s a good reason.
The only reason I shop at consignment shops is I like wearing haunted dead people pants.
— beth likes cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 2, 2016
I wonder if he found the Walkman at a consignment store.
*notices kids making fun of me
*circle stops on rollerblades
*pushes pause on Walkman
Me: You got a problem with how I get my cardio bro?
— Obi Jawn (@ThaJawn) February 11, 2016
Before you make her a mother, you woo her.
I wish more dates included the ritual of laying a sword at the woman's feet
— Clowndro (@Clowndro) April 27, 2016
But don’t woo just anyone.
Me: My main concern is you're too young for me
Her: Nah I once had a threesome with 2 guys in their 40s
Me: Which brings up concern number 2
— Noah Kinsey (@thenoahkinsey) April 15, 2016
It's called freedom of speech. MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT, I shout after the librarian shushes me again.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) May 5, 2016
I mean really.
It's like no one in this library wants to hear me sing.
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) March 15, 2014
Are they librarians or something?
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
— Orange shirt guy (@awkwardphilippe) April 28, 2016
Haven’t we all.
I think I've been subtweeting Mr. Teddy Ruxpin (who unexpectedly jumped to his death from a moving vehicle) this entire time.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) May 5, 2016
Not sure if she’s a mom, but if not, she’s on her way.
Yelled at the neighbor's kid and felt bad so I brought over an animal sacrifice.
— LTB (@_Tempo11) April 30, 2016
Of course, you could choose to skip celebrating the wife and mother of your kids this Mother’s Day.
One horrific decision to rule them all.
— ∀LLEY C∀T (@deardilettante) May 2, 2016
“I told her the kids forgot to get anything, and the next thing I know, I’m waking up in a foreign prison.”
I've been to some pretty cool places.
I don't remember how I got to most of them, but still.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) May 3, 2016
Enjoy the holiday, everybody. Although its founder may have later renounced it, it’s still an excuse for terrible art and day drinking, and that’s reason enough. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to continue my shopping. Or start my shopping. Mother’s Day is not the day to spend hiding out.
*waiting on shuttle bus to secret lair*
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) May 2, 2016