For some, “1984” is not a work of dystopian fiction, but an instruction manual. A blueprint. A way to ensure people speak freely by limiting speech that might curtail their ability to speak freely. In that spirit, let’s say hello to Twitter’s new Trust and Safety Council.
While it’s true that Twitter is home to a variety of nuts, the council hasn’t exactly been working as promised. It started with people who tweet about politics, but, as such vortexes are wont to do, it’s started sucking in others now. To prove it’s really willing to go too far, the bans are now being extended to Weird Twitter.
Likely, this is a result of people banding together behind the scenes and mass reporting people over silly drama rather than machinations from within the machine, but it still needs to be addressed. In these trying times, we need our ability to band together in the machine, tell stupid jokes, wade in the surreal, get a little crazy. As O’Brien told Winston, “I enjoy talking to you. Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind except that you happen to be insane.”
Exactly. Without Twitter, we can just find another platform, but we already have that one.
This tweet was brought to you by the Internet.
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) February 26, 2016
We should probably develop some coded phrases just in case, though.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it's “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
— Annie (@HatfieldAnne) March 3, 2016
Maybe he was speaking metaphorically about a brave new century—or world, if you will.
My son just referred to the 1980's as "turn of the century."
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 25, 2014
We should be prepared though. Licensed, even.
I really want one of those 007 licenses to kill. I'd even take a learners permit.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 1, 2016
And keep some spare whimsy around in case we have to migrate.
Free spirits. Take one.
— Travis LeBlanc (@TravLeBlanc) March 2, 2016
Should we have to go to the mattresses, though, we may need more than whimsy.
*whispers in your ear*
Show me your arsenal baby.
— Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) March 1, 2016
There’s also another option. We could make our vague-speak doubleplusgood.
Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you're not even sure what you just said.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) September 11, 2013
No, we shall fight! Not with conventional weapons, though.
The muscles in my shoulders feel like taut cords of rope, and my teeth feel like they're going to fire, Gatling gun style, out of my mouth.
— Bécca Wilde Åsh (@AddledPixie) March 3, 2016
Nancy makes a good point, however.
seriously, this is the stupidest fucking hobby, I'm gonna go channel Ghost at the pottery studio
— NancyPants (@nancy_yogapants) February 28, 2016
Speaking of ghosts.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
— Yep,they're both me. (@3sunzzz) February 29, 2016
And creepy kids.
My son's hiding behind gauzy curtains creepily humming Eleanor Rigby in case anyone needs an opening scene for their horror screenplay.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 1, 2016
It might be his finest work ever.
The end of the Upside Down Cake recipe by M Night Shyamalan says to flip it upside down but you realize it was upside down THE ENTIRE TIME.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 28, 2016
When M. Night Shyamalan imitates Wes Anderson.
When bae catches you renovating a haunted whale corpse into a delightful beach bungalow.
— Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) February 28, 2016
My curiosity is piqued.
*Films an indie short using only the backup camera on the minivan*
— Wiener(dog)whisperer (@sucre_nips) December 30, 2015
Can we get a picture with that backup camera?
Here's my outfit of the day, no photos pls the creatures holding the threads together scatter with any movement..I miss food, water, sleep
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) February 27, 2016
I’d pay to watch this.
"David? DAVID WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I scream as my pet cobra hits the accelerator in my cargo van. He crashes into the wall, pinning my legs
— Yacht Rocker (@economybacon) December 9, 2015
I’d pay to watch this.
I tear plastic 6-pack holders with my bare hands, so sea turtles know I support them but am also ripped enough to fuck them up if I want to.
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) February 25, 2016
This is how you show the police that you are not to be trifled with.
*cop pulls me over*
COP: please blow into this, sir
ME: *plays trumpet perfectly*
COP: okay you're definitely sober and way cool
— Scones Mortensen (@ThingsJackDigs) July 16, 2015
But you never have to pass a field sobriety test on a unicycle.
Hey guys that ride a unicycle, who hurt you. Tell me before you take up juggling.
It's not to late.
— The Robfather™ (@thatUPSdude) February 27, 2016
Although parking is kind of a pain.
I don't know where to park my unicycle.
Again.
— ssssss. (@semple42) February 24, 2016
If you had a unicycle, you could get away from the dread creature with more speed. Or less.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That's not me..I'm the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) February 26, 2016
But can you jump it with a unicycle? Because that would be super awesome, if not the most accurate remake.
6yo: Let's go upstairs
Me: *Sees other 6yo waiting to roll a big circular pillow down the stairs a la Raiders of the Lost Ark
Me: You're on
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) March 1, 2016
And if you don’t stick the landing?
I think what sets me apart from other mothers of small children is my pa-
*trips over a toy
*chucks it at the wall
-tience.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) March 2, 2016
She said your muscles were glistening after that sweet Indiana Jones reenactment.
It's kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
— Drumpf Meh (@TheAlexNevil) August 2, 2015
I don’t know about you, but I’m stumped.
Interviewer: any questions?
Me: if 2 werewolves have sex in wolf form, will the baby be full wolf?
I: what?
Me: it's a puzzler
— PoliticallyUncorrect (@PoliUncorrect) January 13, 2016
Another puzzler.
Oh my God why do fish wake up so early??
— Heather Vaughan (@hvaughan) September 20, 2015
Whatever you do, don’t leave it here.
I just want to write something that will eventually, long after I'm gone, have a profound effect on humanity. Gotta keep goals achievable.
— The Left Arm (@1CleverGirl1) February 25, 2016
I didn’t realize she was employed by Twitter.
I'm in the mood to complicate the fuck out of something
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) November 12, 2012
Probably someone who engaged in crimethought. Just move on.
If you can see a garbage bag on the side of the road without wondering if there's a dead body in it then you're a better person than I am.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) February 23, 2016
Pretty much.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) July 21, 2015
How should they enjoy it?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they're in.
— Wilde Thingy (@WildeThingy) February 6, 2016
Oh, like this.
*sits at desk, rocking back and forth for 8 hours pondering where, exactly, everything went wrong*
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) March 1, 2016
Hang in there, though, because it’s all in how you spin it.
I'm not drowning.
I'm interpretive swimming.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) February 24, 2016
Live large. Be the best you can be. Bring the ruckus.
Better to live 1 day as a lion than 100 years as sheep or 3 weeks as a ferret or 7 months as a hamster. I don't know what any of this means.
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) March 1, 2016
It was actually probably something you wrote.
At this point, I've stopped asking if it was something l said.
— Mulva74 (@Mulva74) March 3, 2016
This is a way to go about it.
These tweets are lovingly crafted to evoke intense feelings of apathy and disinterest.
— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) March 2, 2016
Keep calm and, umm, keep calmer. Be so calm you don’t move.
I'm always doing stuff to scare my cat.
Like walking in his general direction. Opening a snack. And thinking about petting him.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) March 2, 2016
They do hunt for sport, like that dinosaur from “Jurassic World,” but more cuddly.
Your cat has a stash of corpses.
— Smokey Waters (@AloeForTheBurn) February 24, 2016
They are good luck, and maybe you could use them to entertain a cat or something.
I just bought 1500 live Lady Bugs off of Amazon. Not sure what I'm going to do with them but it was a deal I couldn't resist.
— J (@J_Illunninati) February 17, 2016
Another way to involve more cats in your life.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
— denise (@Stellacopter) February 23, 2016
Is this a compliment?
You look like someone who "knows how to properly use semicolons" and "makes their bed in the morning" and "eats kittens for dinner".
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) March 1, 2016
More frightening than the kitten thing, to be honest.
Watched a guy eat plain, raw celery today. I don't want to talk about it, it's just…these people are out there and I want you to be aware.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 17, 2015
The original odd couple.
Being the host to a Tok'ra symbiote can be vexing. I enjoy 1960s science-fiction while my symbiote Xinar prefers 19th-century French poetry.
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) January 23, 2016
The Craigslist missed connections would be hilarious if she revised this policy.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don't want them to fall in love with me.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) February 29, 2016
Let him speak while he still can.
He's only 7, but my son is already filibustering at Strom Thurmond levels.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 1, 2016
What I do when approached by the council.
I quickly shake my talisman at you, hoping you don't notice it's only a box of Tic Tacs.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) March 1, 2016
Testify!
my words fell like marbles rolling in all directions across the floor, irretrievable
— Wilx Kivz (@LagunaBeachPOV) March 2, 2016
Let them roll in all directions.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
— Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) February 12, 2016
While this is tempting.
*stares blankly at the screen*
I give up.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) February 28, 2016
No. Just as it wasn’t over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, nothing is over until we say it is. We can take these bastards. We could do it with conventional weapons, but that would take years and cost millions of lives. This situation requires really stupid and futile gestures. And we’re just the people to do it. Let’s roll.
I don't make mistakes, I am the mistake
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) February 23, 2016
