“It is better to give than to receive,” so I will give. Since this season recounts the giving of three gifts, so three gifts shall I also give.
The first is a gift of words. No one has been spared of the recent belligerence manifested among us over the essence of “gender.” Those who believe themselves conservative seem to conceive gender as being essentially connected to biological sex. Therefore, for them “a male” means “one having an X and Y chromosome,” and “a female” means “one having a pair of X’s in the absence of a Y.” This is to be distinguished from the so-called progressive notion of gender, in which “a male” means “one who identifies as ‘male’” whereas female means “one who identifies as ‘female.’”
For now I will leave the fact that the progressive definition seems to be an absurdity of circular reasoning, for no one would identify as a male unless male already meant something to them previous to their identification as it. The holidays are a time of merriment and peacemaking. Therefore I will leave polemics aside and contribute to society’s healing through better communication.
Gift One: New Words About Menn and Wymyn
It seems that much of what causes the gender debate to be so fruitless is that no one can agree on the definition of terms. Therefore, as a gift to the world, I have determined to invent new words to describe certain realities, and so to help clarify the greater socio-political conversation.
Let it be agreed that “male” and “female” mean “those who identify as male and female” and that “he, him, his” are the gender pronouns proper to those who identify as male, just as “she and her” are those for them that identify as female. A man is a grown-up male, and a woman is a grown-up female as above understood.
Now, let the following terms be established: “mayle” (pronounced like “mail”) shall mean “one who biologically possesses an X and Y chromosome” and “feemayle” (pronounced fee-mail) shall mean “one who biologically possesses two X chromosomes.” Together, they shall comprise the two “seckses,” each being considered one “secks.” The pronouns for mayles shall be “hee, himm, and hiz” (nominative, accusative, genitive) whereas those for feemayles shall be “shee and hur.” (nominative and genitive/accusative) A grown-up mayle shall be called a “mann” (pluralized as “menn”) and a grown-up feemayle shall be called a “wuhman” (pluralized as wymyn).
With such entirely new terms established and defined, free from all sexist connotation which may have accrued to any other word conceived during the age of the patriarchy due to their recent inception, we can now all speak to each other clearly, whether liberal or conservative, for we will be able to say, for example, that it is quite true that Caitlyn Jenner is a man, but he is also a mann, since though he is female, he is also not feemayle.
Using this new terminology widely could solve a variety of social contests to everyone’s satisfaction. For example, I contend that “men’s” and “women’s” bathrooms should be abolished, and a new system be put in place, wherein bathrooms are reserved for “menn” and “wymyn.” Such would not invalidate anyone’s gender self-identification while at the same time alleviating the concerns of certain conservatives who may not want their little girls to encounter certain hairy, bearded, penis-possessing women in their locker rooms.
Gift Two: Income Equality
A second gift I would like to give is one of income equality. It has come to my attention that women (as opposed to wymyn) make only 73 cents to every dollar a man makes. This is quite inegalitarian, which, of course, is intolerable to tolerant egalitarians. The solutions to this problem I have seen promoted almost universally involve a large amount of coercion within the private sector through government might. They would command immediate pay increases for all women of 25 percent, or otherwise demand more frequent promotions for all women or establish more stringent quotas for women’s employment.
However, such solutions would never be acceptable to those more libertarian in mindset, since these would require the utter submission of the individual’s economic resources to a totalitarian state. Thus, in order to please and bring to harmony all parties, I submit that the quickest, cheapest, and least intrusive way to solve the gender-pay gap is to have a certain number of men re-identify as women.
In doing so, more women will instantly (quicker than one could say “My pronouns are she and her”) enter higher-paying jobs, and so painlessly close the difference in earnings between males and females.
The same line of thought could be applied to many social divisions. For example, the lack of women in STEM fields could be rapidly ameliorated by having a certain number of currently male scientists identify as female.
Now one might say that we could not force someone to identify as a different gender, but I believe this underplays the love of neighbor, equality, and freedom that so characterize our society. Surely, many (especially those more progressively minded) would not in any way mind re-identifying if it meant that great inequalities in society could be finally and totally remedied. And surely they are free to do so, for “no one can tell you who you are.”
With this said, I realize that though the above solution would instantly and forever cure the male-female pay gap, it will have done nothing to solve the (until now unconsidered) mayle-feemayle pay gap. Yet I do have a solution to this problem as well, and a rather radical one. Receive, therefore, O beloved mankind, my third gift.
Gift Three: Merrage
To establish complete equality between all mayles and feemayles, any given mayle must share equally his aggregate income with a given feemayle, and any given feemayle with any mayle. Thus, it will be required that each mayle be paired with a feemayle, and that all their resources be completely shared between them. If the mayle makes more money in hiz pair, the difference shall be given to the feemayle, and so with the feemayle to the mayle.
The union would have to take effect early, before people enter economic life, that way mayles and feemayles might not acquire wealth before they are required to share it with their co-unionist, and so create an inequality. Similarly, the union must be indissoluble, so that neither mayles nor feemayles may create unshared wealth after the fact.
If this were promulgated universally, then all economic inequality between the seckses would be completely abolished. This entirely novel and unheard of institution of equality I have given the name “merrage,” a portmanteau of “merry” and “age,” in reference to the age of unenvious felicity which this system is sure to inaugurate. Those who are enrolled into this beautiful estate shall rightly be called “merried,” for merry they shall be!
Receive, America, these gifts, and use them well to quell all strife and division between your people, that there may be “peace on earth, and good will towards men.”