Once again, Daylight Saving Time is upon us. Or maybe it’s over. I can never remember. All I know is I’ve been ready for lunch around 10:15 a.m. all week and my sleep patterns have not benefitted from the extra hour. Having kids and their clock-defying circadian rhythms doesn’t help.
A common misconception about DST is that it has something to do with farmers. Farmers just go with the sun and don’t care about the clock. No, the origins of DST are murky, but stretch back to Benjamin Franklin and early iterations of technocratic planning. You’d think we would’ve learned something from this continuing and horrible experiment, but that’s not our style. Maybe it’s time to re-think that, though.
I choose not to observe daylight savings, that is my CHOICE, it's always 1pm yesterday to me and I don't know how anything works
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) November 3, 2015
It’s always four o’clock somewhere.
This jerk waitress doesn't appreciate the fact that I don't observe Daylight Saving Time and want my happy hour pricing.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) November 1, 2015
How to counter DST.
I use chloroform as a sleep aid.
— Bblack (@freebirdy31) November 2, 2015
Benjamin Franklin?
We graduated Wizard School! I majored in Time and Space Control! What's yours?
-Pinball
Pinball?
-I'm like really, really good at it.
— Garbage Ape (@TheDeadfishSays) October 19, 2015
More technocratic meddling.
Ever since we stopped doing human sacrifices to ensure good harvests, the fruit just hasn't tasted the same.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) October 22, 2015
What happens when we spring forward.
Rise and shine
Or burst into flames, whatever
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) October 22, 2015
DST sometimes causes issues with return time. Very problematic.
every night when u sleep ur soul leaves ur body & wanders arond for a while so if u wake up in the morning its bc ur soul chose to come back
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 27, 2015
Yogi Bear’s life wasn’t as idyllic as it seemed.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.
Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
— Pumpkin Bice Latte (@Pro_Jones_) October 1, 2015
Best enjoyed with classical music like Sir Mix-a-Lot.
[decades in the future]
*picks up a bottle of wine*
ah, 2014 vintage. YOLO, trill, slight notes of swag. i know the taste well
— content provider (@cwhudson) October 14, 2015
That was close.
Me (down dark basement): is anyone there?
Guy about to murder me (thinking quick): no
Me: okay
— not so spooky luke (@internetluke) October 27, 2015
And history was made.
WARNER BROS EXEC: name ideas for the cartoon bunny?
FRANK:[clearly hallucinating on powerful drugs] BUGS
WBE: Dammit Frank I like ur style
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) November 2, 2015
Performance art.
"I majored in art history but my passion is environmental justice"
Adulthood: That's fascinating pic.twitter.com/OH82VCQsvr
— F. Bill McMorris (@FBillMcMorris) November 3, 2015
When the performance art career doesn’t pan out, have a backup.
Him: I may not be book smart, but I'm street smart.
Me: That's cool, I will take the number four with no pickles.
— The Robfather™ (@thatUPSdude) November 4, 2015
This is harsh.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.
— Eyes Wide Butt (@eyeswidebutt) October 30, 2015
They’re not good listeners.
ME: We're all empty inside, just trying to fill up that hole with sex, food…mindless consumerism…
*touches her arm*
STRIPPER: No hands.
— batkaren (@batkaren) November 2, 2015
That extra hour leads to trouble.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint & say, "Why? What did you hear?"
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) March 24, 2014
Maybe if she tried an Uber Black?
Uber refusing to deliver kittens to my juggling school. one star
— Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) October 29, 2015
I figured he got bitten by a radioactive rock, but this makes more sense.
sometimes some of the power they use to make Powerade spills onto the factory employees which is how we got Dwayne The Rock Johnson
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 27, 2015
Better than being bitten by Powerade.
My retirement plan is being bitten by a rich werewolf during hand to hand combat.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) October 28, 2015
After listening to a fire mixtape at that. He needed the help.
"Yes, I need to check in."
"Sir, this is a burn unit."
"Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback."
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) June 29, 2014
Who hasn’t been there?
"Sorry for the misunderstanding," I shout through a megaphone to the entire world.
— Velvet W Starblossom (@AddledPixie) October 25, 2015
Set realistic goals when training your pets.
ME: [throws ball] Fetch, Socks!
SOCKS THE CAT: [ignores me]
ME: Yes! [puts check mark next to "Teach Socks to ignore me"]
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 2, 2015
You and your pets will start to converge a bit.
i hav cat-like reflexes
*puts glass on edge of desk*
watch me catch this
*pushes glass off desk*
*watches it shatter*
*stares at u*
*leaves*
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 29, 2015
Man, cats, amirite?
Don't forget, it only takes one person to destroy your entire life.
[ winks ]
— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) November 1, 2015
This is a little insensitive.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
— Pumpkin Spiceotope (@BuckyIsotope) October 13, 2015
They’re not all bad, though. Or at least they clean up after themselves.
*reading the latest Seuss manuscript*
Editor: The Cat in the Hat…
*he puts the book down*
Editor: this motherfucker has done it again
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) October 31, 2015
Did you remember to celebrate last Sunday? I ate some vegan animals.
Today is World Vegan Day so don't forget to be super condescending while boring everyone with your sanctimony (and be sure not to bathe).
— Horatio Quartzjixler (@Quartzjixler) November 1, 2015
The first reply really brings it all home. Alas, I think Bernie is burning out.
Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of it back in 70 years.
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) October 31, 2015
The battle will be legendary.
*straddles a pogostick*
"AT DAWN WE RIDE!"
— Ashley (@GashleyMadison) October 24, 2015
The ending to the extended director’s cut of “Memento.”
[wins award for 'most destructive amnesiac' and smashes trophy] WHO DID THIS
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 6, 2015
I taught mine how to rap “Paid in Full.”
Some parents do bedtime stories. I've spent this week teaching my kids the choreography from Rhythm Nation. It's all about priorities.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 5, 2015
The waiter was confused because he didn’t call it skinny pasty cylinders.
waiter: did u just say spaghetti with meat orbs
me: do u not have that here
— chuuch (@ch000ch) November 5, 2015
You have to let ‘em know you’re about to get serious.
OLYMPIC JUDGE: the routine was good but we were forced to take away points because you shouted 'watch this shit, motherfuckers' at the start
— normal ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) August 6, 2015
Encourage creativity in your children.
9: This wouldn't have happened if I had a dragon
wife: What does that have to do with any-
me: Hang on. Let's see where he's going with this
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 4, 2015
I really hope not. They smell pretty terrible.
I am far too busy to listen to your problems.
*Googles do penguins go to heaven*
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) December 1, 2013
Should’ve folded the end over.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) November 2, 2015
The site only asks for symptoms to build up suspense.
I'm feeling…
WebMD: CANCER
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) November 3, 2015
*drops mic*
Roll up in the nebula like an accretion disk in orbital motion around a central body massive enough to ignite solar nuclear fusion.
— batkaren (@batkaren) July 15, 2015
Great, a new “Star Wars” theory is coming.
[watching tv]
News Anchor: A man was caught on video this morning losing in a karate fight to a squirrel
Me: *nervously looks over at wife*
— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) November 3, 2015
The next bubble is inflating.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 28, 2014
Not the most horrible prediction.
Fortune teller [gazing into crystal ball]: I see a cold, icy, blizzard engulfs you-
Me: thats a snow globe
Fortune teller: fuck. Gimme a sec
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 3, 2015
Once again we’ve reached the end of a week, although one with an extra hour. May your clocks be correct at last or wrong until DST starts or ends again, whichever it is. Remember, though, that you do have an excuse for your erratic behavior, even if it’s totally normal for you. Or not. Rolling like this is good, too.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don't even know why I do things.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) May 18, 2014
