If You Want To Protect Yourself, A Gun Works A Lot Better Than A Plastic Phallus

If You Want To Protect Yourself, A Gun Works A Lot Better Than A Plastic Phallus

A student named Jessica Jin at the University of Texas in Austin is apparently so against campus carry – recently passed in Texas by Governor Greg Abbott – that Jessica has decided to protest it by putting a giant dildo on her backpack…for some reason. #CocksNotGlocks she calls the movement.

“‘You’re carrying a gun to class? Yeah well I’m carrying a HUGE DILDO,'” says Jin on the #CocksNotGlocks Facebook page, which has almost 5,000 participants at the time of this writing. “Just about as effective at protecting us from sociopathic shooters, but much safer for recreational play.”

I’m not sure how effective a dildo would be against an armed madman, and I doubt Jin has enough knowledge in the way of self defense to make an accurate assessment as to the defensive power of plastic cocks. Unless she is trained in the lost ancient whore art of Dong-fu, there’s not much you can do to wield the faux phallus effectively for self defense.

Yes, I realize the this tantalizing tool was designed for penetration, but only in certain avenues that allow such penetration into the body. Have you ever attempted to penetrate something with a dildo like a chest, or spinal column? Try it. I imagine the person you’re attempting to stab with the plastic penis won’t find themselves so much harmed as highly annoyed, and probably a little grossed out.

Furthermore, I don’t think larger dildos are capable of achieving the necessary velocity needed to penetrate the epidermal layer of the body. At high speeds it would likely bounce off the person. You would need something smaller and more aerodynamic, as this pioneer of science has already discovered using a specific caliber of dildo, the 28mm Damaging Inflicting Longitudinal Destruction Object.

Even then, this man has created a gun, which you’ve established you are against.

It also should be noted that a big wobbly wiener is an extreme close range weapon, capable of only CQC (close quarters combat) or in this case, CQDC. Unless you can close the gap between you and your gun wielding opponent before the time it takes for him to pull the trigger, and engage in expert wang wielding, then your odds of survival are very slim.

Realistically, bringing a dildo to a gun fight will cause the shooter to laugh, momentarily throwing off his aim slightly before he shot you anyway, where you would then die holding a dildo.

Here’s how the scenario will likely play out for you. Imagine you are the Arabian fellow wielding the sword, but instead of a sword you’re twirling a tallywacker, and imagine Indiana Jones with the gun is Indiana Jones with a gun.

Brandon writes for The Federalist, and is front page editor at RedState.com. Direct all hate to @TheBrandonMorse on Twitter.
Photo Flickr/David Porter
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