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Dear Ariana Grande: Licking Donuts Isn’t Going To Help Fat Kids

An open letter to Ariana Grande after she released the lamest apology ever.


Dear Ariana–

We’ve all seen you lick donuts, not buy them, then proclaim that you “f***ing hate America.” Many of us didn’t think things could get any worse, but then came your lame apology:

Well Ariana, I’m going to throw some of that apology back at you: sometimes I get upset by how freely you act and speak without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on your public image and society as a whole.

No one is fooled by your pretend intentions. We know you weren’t thinking of the childhood obesity epidemic when you decided to lick a donut and not pay for it. Let’s be honest, you definitely weren’t thinking of the children when you tongued your boyfriend in public, either.

Like a shameless child who touches art with their grimy hands in an museum gallery, you licked those donuts and didn’t even say sorry. I mean, you could’ve at least remembered to apologize for not purchasing the donuts that now, unfortunately, contain traces of your saliva. Better yet, you could’ve made up a story about how putting your nasty tongue all over those fatty rings of dough would keep children away from them.

Or you could’ve made yourself more relatable, by confessing to cheating on your vegan diet in a donut shop one night when you were a tad high. No shame girlfriend, we’ve all been there. This is America after all, the land of certain death by heart disease from consuming too many fried foods.

But you didn’t. Instead, you tried to shame us into feeling bad about our collective eating habits. You thought by guilting us into silence, we should shut up about your gross behavior.

Well I, for one, am not buying it.  Try again and give us another apology, one that doesn’t make us want to force feed you fried chicken.