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Breaking News Alert Haley Refuses To End Campaign Following Trump Victory In South Carolina

Donald Trump’s Fake 2016 Campaign Is A Cry For Help

Donald Trump doesn’t want to run a presidential campaign. He wants attention.


Donald Trump is not running for president. Donald trump is running for attention. And not because he’s proud of his significant business accomplishments, but because he appears to feel deeply insecure about his place in the world.

How do we know this? Because an assertion of his wealth is pretty much the very first thing his team released ahead of his speech today.

Trump 2016: Because you deserve to be ruled by someone with more money than you.

This is a man so petty and insecure that he sued a writer for having the audacity to refer to him as a mere millionaire:

A New Jersey appeals court has affirmed a lower court’s ruling to dismiss a defamation lawsuit brought by Donald Trump against a book author who claimed the real estate magnate/reality TV star isn’t really a billionaire.

In a ruling issued on Wednesday, the appeals court affirms that Trump hasn’t demonstrated that author Timothy O’Brien committed “actual malice” by citing three unnamed sources who estimated the net worth of The Apprentice star to be between $150 million and $250 million.

Trump filed the $5 billion lawsuit in 2009 over O’Brien’s book, TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald. The lawsuit was rejected in 2009 by a New Jersey superior judge. Trump then appealed the judgment on the theory that relying on anonymous sources could rise to the actual malice standard needed for public figures to prevail in a libel suit.

That’s right: he sued someone, claiming $5 billion in damages, because that person did not sufficiently trumpet Trump’s wealth. Normal, well-adjusted people do not do things like that, but Donald Trump is no normal person.

In 2007, Trump whined that Forbes pegged his net worth at $3 billion instead of $7 billion.

A normal person does not mock Mitt Romney for being poor. You read that correctly: Donald Trump made fun of Mitt Romney for not having as much money as Trump.

“Well, Mitt Romney is a basically small-business guy, if you really think about it,” Trump told CNN in 2011. “[I’m] much bigger than this man and have a much, much bigger net worth. I mean my net worth is many, many, many times Mitt Romney.”

Sick burn, bro.

If Donald Trump has one defining characteristic, it’s that he may be the only man alive capable of making Hillary Clinton look like a pauper who really understands the plight of the American middle class. And this is a woman who collects under-the-table cash from shady Middle Eastern oligarchs.

Prior to his announcement today, Trump released what he says is a full accounting of his net worth, which he now pegs at $9 billion. It’ll be interesting to see what his official federal financial disclosures say about his investment portfolio, assuming he stays in the race long enough to trigger that campaign disclosure requirement (prediction: he won’t).

A man who’s serious about running a legitimate presidential campaign does not unironically say things like “When did we beat Japan at anything?” weeks before the 70th anniversary of America’s defeat of Japan in World War II. He then claimed that you can’t find a Chevy in Tokyo (you can) and that Mexico is “beating us economically…killing us economically” (it’s not; in fact, California, Texas, and New York by themselves have a larger economy than that of Mexico).

A man who’s serious about a presidential race does not refer to the medieval religious death cult known as ISIS as his primary competition for real estate in the Middle East. Yes, he said that, too:

Islamic terrorism is eating up large portions of the Middle East. They’ve become rich. I’m in competition with them. They just built a hotel in Syria. When I have to build a hotel, I have to pay interest. They don’t have to pay interest.

That’s right, America: the real tragedy of ISIS isn’t the trail of headless bodies in its wake, it’s the sweetheart deals they’re getting on construction loans.

Trump then took some time out of his announcement speech to remind us all that he owns a whole bunch of golf courses.

This man doesn’t need a presidential campaign; he needs a hug. Look, Donald. We know you’re rich. Everybody knows you’re rich. Congratulations. You’re rich. We’re all very proud of how rich you are.

But you’re never going to be president. That’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less of a success or any less of a person. However, if you’re going to continue on with this charade, might I offer a campaign slogan for you? Not only is it catchy and original, but it also highlights the one thing you’re desperate to let people know about: your gigantic bank account. Ready for it?

Trump 2016: All Dollars, No Sense.