As we consider the effects of recent events on our culture at large and apply the lens of historical perspective to them, we—wait. What did that title say?
There’s a bigot at the end of this essay?
Hold on just a second here. We’re at the beginning of this article. But there’s a bigot at the end, the title says. So please don’t scroll down, or else you’ll read what he says and then we’ll be infected with his bigotry. The jump is coming up—we don’t have to scroll down.
Hey, you scrolled down! Stuff like this is why everyone is always blaming your generation—whichever generation you might belong to—for all of our problems. There’s too much prurient curiosity mixed with an unavoidable desire to preen in front of one’s enlightened peers: “Hey everyone, see how committed to social justice I am! I’m publicly shaming this bigot by putting his or her words all over the Internet!” Meanwhile, the bigots are all like, “Oh please please please don’t persecute me! Don’t throw me in the briar patch of Twitter shame!”
Anyway, it’s not too late. We can stop scrolling and we won’t get to the bigot at the end of this essay. Here’s an irrelevant GIF so you can feel like there’s a sense of conclusion and you can close the tab without getting to the bigot at the end of this essay.
This isn’t about giving equal treatment to “both sides.” You see, that’s how bigotry works. First, it legitimizes itself behind a veil of half-baked statistics and out-of-context Martin Luther King Jr. quotes. Then, before you know it, BAM! You’ve just absorbed the opinion of a bigot.
Let’s be scientific about this, because apparently making discrimination uncool is not nearly enough for you slack-jawed rednecks who are continuing to read. According to a scientific study, bigotry equals low IQ.
To really get you to stop reading, here’s a really complicated graph with some math:
You’re still reading.
I don’t know what to say at this point. I might as well just move to a Scandinavian country, because I’m pretty sure mouth-breathers like you who participate in the mass dumbing-down of human culture and hate progress are illegal there.
I hardly blame you. Big corporations have practically colluded with a cabal of religious authoritarians to program your brain in favor of bigotry. They spend millions of dollars to poison your brain in favor of discrimination, thinking that by “listening to the other side,” you’re doing yourself a favor. Let me show you where that leads.
Okay, you scrolled down again, but I’ll admit that this time I kind of goaded you into it. But you can scroll back up. Stare at that picture. That’s you if you keep scrolling. You can stop, though, because we’re getting closer and closer to the hatemonger at the end of this thinkpiece.
Since you clearly don’t understand anything but pictures, let me draw it out for you a little more clearly. Look at this picture, then click away before we get to the bigot at the bottom.
Look, you keep scrolling. And, based on how that little scroll bar is looking, we’re coming to the end of this essay. So now’s your chance. Check your Twitter feed or Facebook. Go take a picture of your food for Instagram. Send a dirty picture of yourself to someone who will validate your existence for an hour or two. Just don’t scroll down, okay?
Well, would you look at that? We’re at the end of the essay, and the only bigot around here is… lovable old me! Gosh, that was a whole lot of sturm und drang for no particular reason, wasn’t it? A regular little tempest-in-the-teapot. And you were so worried!
By the way, I have a book coming out about this soon. Won’t you share about it on the social media platform of your choosing?