You’ve got to hand it to feminists: Just when you think they can’t get any crazier, they go ahead and up the ante. If I’ve written some version of this line before—and I’m sure I have, because today’s feminists are truly the unwanted gift that keeps on giving—please forgive me. My brain tissue is a little scarred by what I’ve just seen.
Perhaps, if you’re unlucky, you’ve witnessed it too: A new video from the group “FCKH8,” a really creative name that would make for a spectacular license plate. Okay, it would actually make a pretty moronic license plate, but I’m trying to say at least one charitable thing about this group of reality-challenged weirdos. FCKH8’s new “feminist advocacy” video, which has already gained hundreds of thousands of Facebook “likes,” features…well, I’ll let their poorly punctuated press release speak for itself:
Facing a future where women are still paid 23% less than men for the same work, and where 1 in 5 women are raped or sexually assaulted in gender-based violence, little girls between 6 and 13 years-old dressed as pretty pink princesses drop F-bombs to draw attention to society’s continued sexism. Asking the question, ‘What’s more offensive? A little girl saying f*ck or the sexist way society treats girls and women’ these adorably articulate little ladies in sparkling tiaras turn the ‘princess in distress’ stereotype on its head and contrast the F-word with words and statistics society should find shocking such as ‘pay inequality’ and ‘rape.’
Spoiler alert: If you like shrill, indignant, oddly self-assured children screaming at you about fake statistics and imaginary oppression, all while dropping more F-bombs than that drunk, impassioned George Wendt look-alike who once sat behind me at a disastrous Chicago Bears game, you will love this video. Sadly, the little girls, likely excited for their huge Internet star turn showcasing the appalling poor judgment of their parents, are not remotely “adorable.” They are insufferable. However, let us forgive these tragic, sassy, satin-clad pawns. They know not what they do.
Don’t Blame the Pretty Princesses
They do not know, for instance, that the “1 in 5 women are raped or sexually assaulted” statistic is laughable, based on a long-discredited online survey with self-selecting respondents and standards equating “attempted kissing” or drunk sex with assault. Similarly, they don’t know that America’s legendary “pay inequality” largely stems from the personal choices of women, not a dastardly, conspiratorial patriarchy trying to keep the ladies down.
The adults running this circus act, however, are another matter. Two of them appear at the end of the FCKH8 video, and, in addition to yelling a lot, they both wear a highly unnatural shade of hot pink lipstick that I can only imagine is exclusively available in the prop rooms of America’s finest clown colleges. The lipstick is important to mention, because it adds to the terrifying effect of their mouths contorting into angry, gangsta-rap like expressions while shouting absurdities like, “Um, instead of cleaning these girls’ mouths out with soap, maybe society should CLEAN UP ITS ACT!” Also, one of the ladies in the video looks like a younger, meaner version of Principal Ed Rooney’s assistant in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” which gave me an odd sense of melancholy that will likely last for days.
After watching the video, perhaps spurred by a morbid sense of curiosity, I went to investigate FCKH8’s full website. It turns out that it’s an online t-shirt shop selling “anti-sexism,” “anti-racism,” and “LGBT equality” clothing and gear. In a touching nod to the tireless, ever-churning gears of global, free-market capitalism, the FCKH8 website also has one of those annoying pop-up “Let’s Chat!” boxes on their home page, allowing you to be bothered by a salesperson when you’re simply trying to mind your own business and buy something, just like in a real store.
“Hey there!” a FCKH8 employee named “Adam” chatted me. “Thanks for supporting the cause and being here, is there anything I can help you with?” Talk about an opportunity! Here’s what happened next:
Honestly, I’m kind of disappointed that Adam, earnest online text representative of FCKH8, did not tell me to go FCK myself. I mean, it’s not like I have a Harvard MBA or anything, but it seems like it would be a bit more in line with their brand.
So what do other feminists think of the FCKH8 deranged princess/shrill shouting/wildly tacky underage F-Bomb extravaganza? “It’s like a gift I didn’t know to ask for,” Lane Moore blogged at Cosmopolitan. According to the Huffington Post, it “calls out real problems that women face.” But by far the best review so far comes from the website Jezebel, where writer Kelly Faircloth argues the video would be “great”—“great,” that is, if it weren’t “an advertisement for a for-profit company.” At the “end of the day,” Faircloth warns readers, “the point of a for-profit company is making money.” Ah, yes, the evils of capitalism. It sneaks up and snares the best of us.
When you think about it, it’s almost hard to keep track of all the narratives. Perhaps this is because so many of them just aren’t true—and down the feminist rabbit hole we go.