Once, there was a man and he had a wife and three daughters. Once that wife and those daughters went on vacation. That man made many plans for all the things he was going to do with his free time. Then he promptly wadded them up and didn’t accomplish anything, because that’s what bachelor time is for.
Well, that’s not exactly true. I did work on my plans for destroying the world. SMOD ain’t got nothing on me.
He really didn’t put much effort into it.
My hat's off to the guy who named the washing machine. So many sleepless nights, countless drafts, wastebaskets full of rejected ideas…
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) July 17, 2015
It’s all about where the heart is.
If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..
— Crunchy PeanutBrutha (@Livsey1) March 30, 2013
The person who conducted this study had a rough job.
It's a scientific fact that there is a 87% chance that any girl who wears a full face of makeup to the gym will burn your house down.
— Sarah (@thetigersez) July 12, 2015
Another way to end things.
I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve ruined by asking the ‘if we had the chance, would you help me steal a panda’ question too soon.
— Bookish (@BookisherBunny) April 11, 2014
Kids are so disrespectful.
Me: Whatevs. Your mom's a whore.
My 19 year old son: Mom. No. It doesn't work that way.
Me: *waiting for high five* That's what she said.
— It's Stephanie (@Snarfernini) June 30, 2015
Meteorologists don’t, either.
You can stop reporting the "dew point," TV meteorologists. We don't know what that is.
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) July 17, 2015
Babies are less useful.
*sees baby for the first time* is that a minion
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 18, 2015
“Drink Bartles and James.”
If u see me on the beach with a Surf Style jacket, jorts whippin in the sun, just know I already punched a shark & I'm due for a wine cooler
— Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) July 11, 2015
Should’ve punched it.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
— brent (@murrman5) November 24, 2014
That’s discrimination.
My seething hatred for The Dave Matthews Band has gotten me fired from every professional hacky sack coaching position I've ever had.
— Juice (@Juicedballs) February 26, 2015
Very meaningful.
And THIS tattoo is hebrew for warm zima
— BeTh (@TheSouthsMouth) July 19, 2015
Pretty much.
Drake is the Celine Dion of rap.
— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) April 14, 2015
Maybe they are.
It sounds like the kids are practicing their human sacrifice rituals in the other room. They're so cute at this age.
— Will (@vexroid) July 20, 2015
Nah, just let them sort it out.
Nothing warms my heart like the sound of my children's laughter… fighting… screaming… crying… I might have to go break this up.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) July 9, 2015
Lois was never good at reading faces.
lois lane: I got a new dog but his eyes are crossed
vet (puts glasses on dog): take a look at this
lois: what the fuck that's not my dog
— very handsome keith (@HandsomeKrogh) July 17, 2015
Put me down for that time slot.
[Mr. T checks his leather-bound agenda book]
"Well, fool – it looks like I have 15 minutes available for some jibber jabber next Tuesday"
— Austrian Deer Food (@sfreeze6) July 18, 2015
Wasn’t there a Denzel Washington movie about this?
I've been struggling with addiction and may lose my job soon… anyway, thanks for listening and have a nice flight [mic closes abruptly]
— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) July 10, 2015
Now we get to the parts where there might be blue language.
[WuTang Clan meeting]
We need names; I'm RZA
I'll be GZA
Call me Ol' Dirty Bastard…
Hmm, really Russ?
[dick flops out of bathrobe] Yep.
— Ollie Garch (@ojedge) July 23, 2015
And discussions of sex.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) July 16, 2015
Problematic.
Sooooo… Do you ever press charges?
*twirls hair*
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) July 13, 2013
Coming soon—Rich’s Soccer Suds and Shots.
A smart person could make bank wandering kids sports events with trays of liquor. After 3 hrs of soccer, I'd pay $20 for a shot of anything.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 17, 2015
Those fines wouldn’t be enough to pay off the national debt, for sure.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) July 10, 2015
Their whites are white.
Thinking of joining the KKK just to find out what laundry detergent they use.
— R๑×ƴ (@rockthechuck) July 18, 2015
My toddler used to act this way.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) October 16, 2013
When playing mood music, the instrument is important.
*plays Sexual Healing on the bagpipes as I lead you to the bedroom*
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) July 18, 2015
Part two.
*holding a couple rattlesnakes by their tails*
THESE MARACAS ARE UNNECESSARILY PAINFUL AND DIFFICULT TO PLAY
— Eyes Wide Butt (@eyeswidebutt) July 21, 2015
Correct.
Asimov's 3 laws of robotics? Um…the 1st is you don't talk about robots. So's the 2nd, I think. 3rd's something about not getting them wet?
— batkaren (@batkaren) January 13, 2015
Bad blood.
*wife sees me on the computer*
wife: What are you looking at?
me [Googling Taylor Swift song lyrics] Porn
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 20, 2015
How to get out of a ticket.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
JADEN: Maybe The 7 Dwarfs Were Normal Sized & Snow White Was A Giant
COP: *pulls gun* GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) July 14, 2015
Conversely.
"Listen officer, I'm a woman. I ask the questions."
— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) August 21, 2014
Fifty-one Shades of Gray.
Me: Did you like my manuscript?
Publisher: Your opening line is "I seductively took off my fanny pack."
Me: I'll need $1 million up front.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2015
Craigslist: You probably won’t get murdered.
This guy's coming to my house to buy something I'm selling online, so I'll either be $28 richer or murdered.
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) July 22, 2015
How to make an entrance.
I like to show up fashionably drunk.
— N a o m i (@NaomiGlitter) August 22, 2013
What’s bofa?
I swear, if my 13yo does one more deez nuts jokes to my wife I'm gonna start high-fiving him in front of her.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) July 20, 2015
Women.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
— Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) July 15, 2015
I mean, really.
How to tell if she likes you:
1. She makes eye contact while she murders you
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) July 16, 2015
No eye contact.
Hipster told me he's original. It's cool, I googled,"hipster" & showed him 7,000 identical guys. Then I shot him to make sure he understood.
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) July 19, 2015
Sharing is caring.
[Opens a beer at the park]
"Dude. There's kids here."
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) June 13, 2015
That’s it for this week. I’ll continue mining the depths for you, my people, because I am a man of love and compassion and want nothing but to bring you the best that life has to offer. Look for me soon in a town near you.
commanding a fleet of ladybugs upon these leaves, floating down the gutter to lay waste upon your cities
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) June 7, 2015
