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Kate Middleton’s Mystery Absence Is The Delirium Biden’s America Puts Us Through Every Day

The British monarchy’s absurd handling of Kate Middleton’s absence causes the same delirium as Biden’s presidency.


Condolences to the people of the United Kingdom. Over here in America, we too know what it’s like to have your fake leader play in your face in ways that are intended to make you question your sanity.

The most addictive story on the Internet right now is “Where’s Kate Middleton?” given that the princess of Wales has been missing from public since around Christmas time. It’s unclear whether she’s safe and healthy. Compounding the juicy drama is a photo Middleton posted Sunday on social media purporting to show her and husband Prince William’s three children. It followed weeks of open guessing about whether she’s gravely ill, missing on purpose, and even the possibility that her husband harmed her.

It turned out the picture was fake. On the same day, newswire services like the Associated Press and Reuters that had disseminated the photo called for its retraction and an immediate halt to further circulation. A social media account supposedly co-run by Middleton and William issued an explanation on Monday that the photo was an “experiment with editing.” It included an apology for “any confusion the family photograph we shared yesterday caused.” It was signed with a “C” for Kate’s full name Catherine.

It’s laughable. An “experiment with editing” might result in weird lighting or smoothened skin that’s more touched up than an altar boy, but it wouldn’t lead to, say, an extra foot opening in a shoe, or a shirt cuff that bleeds into a separate garment, or an extra row of a child’s teeth. That was the confounding display noticed in Middleton’s otherwise seemingly happy photo. That wasn’t the work of a photo hobbyist. It was the botched, half-baked product of an attempt to mislead the public.

(As I was writing this, the same account posted something about “environmental resilience and marine sustainability” with a few photos, none of which featured Middleton.)

British people, trust me. We see it all the time. Following two years of record levels of inflation, wherein Americans got poorer with every paycheck, the president of the United States went on our nation’s most highly rated television event and said it’s not that money is squeezing tighter, it’s that bags of candy and chips are getting smaller.

The same man recently said our country’s sovereignty was out of his hands then days later said he would take unilateral action to fortify our territory. He told us he would “restore the soul of America,” then instigated the criminal prosecution of his party’s ultimate political threat, threw men and women out of our military for declining a medical experiment, and told penniless voters it was their “patriotic duty” to send more of their taxpayer dollars abroad.

Rubbing salmonella in the wound, the 81-year-old president gazed into television cameras with the tightest squint on record last week and swore he’s never been more alive as he hacked and hollered his way through an annual address to the nation.

We’re used to being made fools of. It happens every day. But hopefully Kate Middleton turns up soon.

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