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The Federalist Luxury Gift Guide For Refined Rednecks

a college of insane Christmas gifts
Image CreditFDRLST/Canva

A ridiculous but awesome, over-the-top gift guide for your most ridiculous but awesome loved ones.

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Christmas is not about the gifts or about how much money you spend on someone, but some people are just worth spoiling, or giving a gift that says, “I love you this many dollars’ worth.”

You can find luxury gift guides from celebrities or any big-name department store, but they are full of ugly watches your dad would never wear and weird breakable things that look like they belong on Epstein’s island. So here are some luxurious, insanely ridiculous gift ideas that your loved ones would actually want.

American Alligator Head, $280

The head of an American Alligator pulled from the swamps of Louisiana exemplifies nature’s beauty and strength. More than just a great conversation piece, it is sure to become a family heirloom. It even comes with a Louisiana Department of Wildlife & Fisheries unique tag number used to track each alligator. 

Mother of Pearl Champagne Saber, $299.95

Don’t let your loved ones pop champagne like a peasant any longer. And no, a wood or acrylic saber will not do. A handmade, Laguiole, France-style mother-of-pearl saber is the only way to properly commence any happy hour. Laser engraving also available.

Wagyu Beef Whole Boneless Ribeye Imported from Japan, $1,199

You could buy your loved one a steak, or you could buy your loved one a steak from Wagyu cattle raised by a small group of farmers on Mount Poroshiri in the Hidaka Mountains of Hokkaidō, Japan. That’s what luxury tastes like.

A Wheel of Parmigiano Reggiano Cheese, $2,999.95

It’s 80 pounds of cheese.

Chalet Chicken Coop, $12,999

Raising chickens has never been easier or more stylish. The perfect gift for that wannabe-homesteader-Instagram-influencer. Plus, chickens are God’s original gift that keeps on giving.

This 10-foot by 12-foot coop can hold eight to 140 chickens, plus all the finishes on your Chalet are customizable.

Helicopter Hog Hunting Excursion, $2,750

Image CreditPork Choppers Aviation

The perfect gift for your environmental conservationist friend. There are more than 2 million hogs in Texas, and in order to maintain that population, at least 70 percent of them must be harvested each year. What better or more efficient way to do that than with an AR and a helicopter?

This package from Pork Choppers Aviation includes two hours in the air, weapons, ammo, and a fully edited HD video of your hunt.

Solar-Powered Electric Boat, $7,950-$12,750

A great gift for that uncle who is both a doomsday prepper and a Yacht Rock aficionado. At 15 feet long, 8 feet wide, and only 264 pounds, the Elcat is shockingly portable and affordable.

John Deere Diesel Utility Vehicle with Touchscreen Interface, $42,199

No more messing your hair up while piddling around the ranch in the John Deere XUV865R Signature Edition’s enclosed, air-conditioned cab with leather seats. Listen to your favorite pod while checking on the livestock with a touchscreen infotainment center.

Jezebel, Price Negotiable

The trailblazing internet blogging site Jezebel announced in October it is looking for a buyer. This would be a steal of a deal for anyone looking to publish screeds against the advancement of women.

A 17-acre Winery in San Miguel, California, $2,100,000

The family ranch with a barndominium is out. Upgrade to this 3,455-square-foot home with a wrap-around porch overlooking your own 17 acres of producing vines and fruit and olive trees. Plus, everything you need to start your own wine label. If you get started on the paperwork now, you should be able to close on it before Christmas.


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