Businesses in America’s largest cities are boarding up their storefronts in anticipation of violence and looting in the wake of Tuesday night’s election results. While every sane person in America who has paid even the slightest bit of attention knows that the looting we have seen, our “summer of love,” has been perpetrated by leftists, the geniuses in our corporate media have convinced themselves, and maybe some of their more gullible viewers, that conservatives are the real threat this election night.
While it is difficult to imagine conservatives actually rioting and breaking down doors, it’s 2020 and the mantra of the year is better safe than sorry. Lots of crazy things we have never seen before have happened this year, including baseball games with no crowds that aren’t in Tampa Bay, and a presidential election in which one candidate refuses to campaign. So why not some Republicans getting crazy and looting? Anything is possible, right?
This obviously leads to the question of what Trump looters will be after in their post-defeat shopping sprees. As anger at the prospect of a Biden presidency courses through their veins, what stores should we expect to be targeted? Personally, I will likely be in the market for some boat shoes and pastel shorts, maybe the ones with little sailboats stitched on them. I’m also low on ties, and the people who watch me on TV don’t seem to like the ones I have so perhaps some Hermes neckwear.
I took the question to Twitter, and it turns out I’m not the only one with ideas along these lines. And since there are so many different kinds of Republicans, many have tastes different from my Northeast Thurston Howell sensibilities. Here are few of my favorite answers.
I have my eye on a putter, a jaunty fedora, and a case of Miracle Whip.
— (((Road Bear Life))) (@bearshrugged) November 3, 2020
Was going to storm Home Depot and get some stuff for the yard
— EJG (@EJGSH) November 3, 2020
I need a snow blower and a keurig machine that also works as an alarm clock. Maybe some new Uggs for my wife if there is time.
— Kyle Beckley (@Kyle_Beckley) November 3, 2020
Brooks Brothers ….anything I can get. Plus I would like a backgammon set.
— Double J sometimes Jsquared (@jsquaredftl) November 3, 2020
Hope they didn’t board up Cabela’s
— Joe Borelli (@JoeBorelliNYC) November 3, 2020
And they say the GOP isn’t a diverse coalition. Whatever you have you eye on, there are some things you can do to make sure that your looting experience goes as smoothly as possible. I’ve never actually looted, so this is just, like what I think might be helpful, buy hey, this is new for all of us.
Sensible and comfortable footwear is a must, there will be some running and even maybe jumping involved. Ironically, for me I’ll have to loot the boat shoes before I put them on, but in general just something easy on the feet.
It is possible you may have to deal with the police, we can’t really be sure. Yes, they have taken what New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio refers to as a light touch with leftist rioters, but that could change if conservatives are doing the thievery. So you’ll want to have your attorney’s phone number, not your tax attorney, but the one you called when your cousin got that DUI.
It also helps to be in large groups as those are harder for authorities to wrangle. So maybe pick a meeting place like your local Knights of Columbus lodge or a nearby golf course and wait until you have sufficient numbers.
Look, if we have learned anything in 2020 it’s that if things don’t go your way, if you think society is taking a bad turn, or if you’re just bored and annoyed, rioting and looting can be a healthy cure for what ails you. So grab some right-minded friends, rip a little Chards, and make yourself feel better. Unless Trump wins, that is. In which case lock your doors and don’t leave the house for a few days. Good luck and good hunting.