Mike Bloomberg To Buy Ad Space In Your Dreams

Mike Bloomberg To Buy Ad Space In Your Dreams

After a sluggish debate performance the Bloomberg campaign is launching new ads targeted at sleeping voters.

After a lackluster debate performance this week in which Mike Bloomberg looked like Sonny Corleone without an EZ Pass, his campaign has launched a bold new ad campaign. But this time the former New York City mayor won’t be on your television, or smart phone, or in skywriting, or tattooed on an Instagram influencer’s neck, he will be in your dreams.

According to a source close to the campaign this cutting edge technology became available owing to Bloomberg’s close ties with the communist Chinese government. Although details about how exactly dream influencing advertising works are scarce, it is believed that sonic pulses from electronic devices create concrete narratives once a person reaches a state of full REM.

The challenge for the dream ad designers has been to determine what “experiences” with Mike are most likely to result in the dreamer deciding to cast a ballot for him. Several versions have been tested, one in which Bloomberg is your grandfather on your 16th birthday and gives you a bright red Tesla. In another you play chess with Bloomberg. You lose, but he is very gracious about it.

“We want people to wake up thinking, Hey, that Mike Bloomberg, he’s my kinda guy, I’d like to grab a salad with no dressing and a veggie shake with him,” one campaign aide said.

Ad designers told the Federalist that they focus on authenticity, one said, “to really get that dream like quality we put a swimming pool in the living room, or for some reason that weird kid you knew in high school is there.” Some racy ads involving Bloomberg in the bedroom were tested but according to sources, “that didn’t go well.”

In addition to the positive ads meant to bond you with Mayor Mike, a series of negatives ads about his opponents have also been created. In one Elizabeth Warren is the vice principal at your job that makes you stay after work and watch episodes of “F Troop” with her.

In another, Joe Biden dressed in a leather suit flirts with your sister at the funeral of your great uncle. Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders share space in an ad where they try to sell you dog insurance.

“It’s all about creating associations with candidates,” a source close to the operation said.

Ethical concerns have been raised by some conservatives who are nervous about this new advertising technology. Privacy and safety issues have been cited. But not everyone on the right is balking at this new campaign tactic. A statement from the Alliance of Principled Conservatives Hell Bent on Losing states that “in times of such great crisis the threat that is Donald Trump must be banished by any means necessary.”

With this brave new world of political advertising the Bloomberg campaign is bringing the American dream to life, literally. So if you are a Democrat in a Super Tuesday state don’t be surprised if one of these fine mornings you wake up with the warm and fuzzies about Mike Bloomberg and a strong aversion to Big Gulps and handguns.

Sweet Dreams, everyone, he’s Mike Bloomberg and he supports this message.

David Marcus is the Federalist's New York Correspondent. Follow him on Twitter, @BlueBoxDave.
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